and dreams really do come true at Christmas!

what a week i've had!

sleeping = non-existant, but that's to be expected i guess. that's what happens at CHRISTMAS!! i'm so stuffed with food that i could cry. but once again, that goes with the territory!!!!

let me start from the beginning, on last Saturday, because it's honestly been quite a tale. my dad and i set out to pick Gauri up from the airport pretty early on Saturday morning, but we wound up putting the "tree" up then heading to the airport, with intentions of decorating the tree when we came home. but...the Snowstorm From Hell kept Gauri's flight back forever so...we went to the city! finally, we picked Gauri up only to find her luggage lost *sigh*. we waited forever on this line just so Gauri could tell some idiots from Delta what color her luggage was. (and poor Gauri was so upset because her birthday/christmas presents to me were in there!!) once we made it out of there, we came home, made Gauri's favorite cookies, went out for dinner, and drove around looking at Christmas lights, which i love and Gauri did too. we watched House on DVR (i think i'm FINALLY caught up!) and went to bed without talking forever amazingly.

Sunday...tree decorating/Mass/watched Elf. awesome.
Monday...braved the mall. twice in one day *SIGH* went with my mom during the day, came home for all of an hour, then went to a different mall with my dad (yes, on Long Island we have four malls within a 15 mi radius from my house. no joke.) but it was fun because we went out to dinner, and when i go out alone with my dad he takes the time to make me feel special.
Tuesday...went all over creation, essentially. met Michelle for diner breakfast, ran to pick my dad up from a business delivery then drive him to do more deliveries, went and picked up stuff for my grandma, and saw my life flash before me about three times during the process. SERIOUSLY...PEOPLE NEED TO CALM DOWN ON THE DRIVING TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS!! i almost got sided in an intersection, and it took fifteen minutes to find a parking spot in the stop & shop parking lot. and i didn't even need to go to stop & shop. i came home in tears because i didn't freak out while it was happening, but i needed to freak out once i got myself out of it. at least Michelle was clearly impressed with my driving skills ^_^ had choir practice on Tuesday night!!!! and had a second soprano part thrust on me right away because our director didn't bother to teach it to anyone because i was going to be there. now. it's nice to be so depended on and to be respected BUT!!!! i had two days to learn the part that i couldn't get in rehearsal. did i figure it out? course i did. and then, i came home and wrapped.

Christmas Eve was a long day but an awesome night. i was at the nail salon at 9:15 am to beat the crowds (which was a success) but i think Santa sent the monsoons in honor of Christmas Eve. i was then appointed to run Grandma Errands which meant standing in the gourmet market for a good ten minutes before the people realized our order was a catering order and not a deli/butcher order. *SIGH!!!!* i wound up having to go back there to get cooking directions and i felt so awful because the people probably would be happy to never see my face again after how angry they saw me getting...we went to the Paradyszes for Christmas Eve dinner, and Allie pulled out an old tape of our fourth grade production of Cinderella. it was awesome, it truly was. after was Midnight Mass...which is my Happy Place. probably in the whole world. in the entire realm of life. i cried my way through as i sung O Little Town of Bethlehem and Silent Night and O Come All Ye Faithful. it was...beyond awesome. i didn't get to sleep until late because i had to stay up and watch...A CHRISTMAS STORY!

and then today...aaah Christmas!! i was actually the last one up. so different from when i was a kid. we had to split the day with my mom's side and my dad's side but we at least had our own Christmas in the morning. i got the pink iPod nano that i've been wanting FOREVER, a $50 gift card to CVS so i can develop all of my pics, a lot of clothes, a House t-shirt (got some of those for my birthday too), and really awesome Ed Hardy sneakers. from my grandma..Skullcandy headphones!! and Sex and the City on DVD from Gina and Enchanted from all of the Barones. my parents loved the collage i made them and my grandma cried when she opened the note that said that Gina and Joe and i were taking her out to dinner. next stop..Huntington, for the infamous Donaldson family hulabaloo. we did a Chinese Auction and i wound up with a Starbucks card ^_^ but the whole process is just hysterical, especially when there are 25 of us. lots of screaming and yelling. we also sung a 12 Days of Christmas parody, which i love, always.

but the best parts of all it:

1)of course, the reason for the season...Jesus. so many people lose sight of that.
2)my grandma has been feeling depressed and sick (mostly to her stomach) all week. but God was watching out for her as she was even able to eat fried calamari on Christmas Eve and she stayed awake through Midnight Mass. i love doing Sign of Peace at Mass..at Salve, Ann and Terin and Ben and i all hold hands during the Our Father then hug at Sign of Peace. at home, my parents and my grandma look up to the choir loft after i give peace to my choir buddies to give me peace. i was so happy to see my grandma smiling at me up there; it almost made me feel like my grandpa was still there with her. and today, she was just so happy when she opened everything and to have all of us there (even though not EVERYONE was there).
3)something coming around (not in the love life sense) that could finally go back to the way things used to be.
4)ok..big news here....get ready...I'M GOING TO BE A GODMOTHER!!!! my cousin Erin asked me tonight, right before i was about to dig in to the Christmas feast, to be the Godmother to her new baby who is scheduled for C-Section on New Year's Eve. i cried and hugged her and Larry, her husband. i'm still shocked. truly shocked. and the best part...her name will be Grace, and her nickname will be...GRACIE!!!! !!

so...i'm off to DISNEY on Monday. just when i thought things couldn't be any more magical, i'm going to my other Happy Place...where Magic lives!

MERRY CHRISTMAS (and thank you to anyone who made it through that long post)!

bah humbug?

i had a great birthday.
i had two productive days of getting ready for Christmas.
i've seen a few people.
Gauri's coming tomorrow.
there is lots of snow outside.

so...why am I sad?

1) i don't want to get a fake tree, even though it's really the best move we could have this year.

2) guess who i miss???? yeah...i think you know. this is ridiculous.

HOLY SHIT!!

I'M GOING TO BE TWENTY (20) YEARS OLD ON TUESDAY!!!!

that, ladies and gentlemen, would be THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
as my uncle says...oh my goodness, two-zero...you're making us feel like geezers!

and...i've already had so many birthday gifts!
my salve birthday shindig was AMAZING, thanks to my amazing friends.
i get to go HOME for CHRISTMAS BREAK on my birthday and see HANDEL'S MESSIAH in NYC with my Wifey and my Sis and my Ari. and my parents, of course. then we're eating at Fiorello's and Wifey is spending the night.
of course my grandmother flipped when she found out that she's not going to see me on my actual birthday...so we're having dinner with her on Wednesday.
and...my birthday gift to myself is going to be a massive sit around with Gauri and a big mug of hot chocolate...and watch practically all of Season 5 of House since i've lost track of how many episodes i've missed due to SGA meetings. my mom's TiVoed them all for me :-D
i'd also like a new pink iPod nano from my parents ^_^ (wow...i'm such a brat...)

but before all of that happens...i still have juries tomorrow, and my earth science final on Tuesday. but THAT'S IT. no more concerts, no more presentations, and 3 whole finals DONE. and God willing, i'll get over this cold!!!!

and....i love Salve, i love love love my friends, but...I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT OF HERE and GO HOME!!!!!!!

so, here's to the next 20, and hoping and praying to my Savior that 20 is as amazing as 19 was...because 19 was pretty awesome...like 50,000x better than 18.. so i would love it if 20 was the best so far!

true life!!

a legit conversation with my mother:

Me: Mom, i'm so pissed off...can you please cool me off because you're the only one who can right now? i don't want to say something i'll regret.

Mom: of course, honey. take a deep breath...

Me: Mom, wouldn't your life be SO much easier if you had a NORMAL child without crazy emotional attacks and temper fits who you have to "cool off?"

Mom: of course not, honey! that would be BORING!!

have i mentioned how much i love my mother? because sometimes i don't think i mention it enough. <3

in the midst of it all, sometimes one forgets.

after spending the last 24 hours with some of the best people on earth from longuyland, i'm so, so happy. and then, i come home and my mind drifts to who i miss.

and then it dawned on me...

i've WASTED so much of my life thinking about where i'd RATHER be, so much so that i barely take the time to soak up the memories that are made in a day. when i was a kid, i wanted to be a grown-up. whenever i had feelings for someone, i was always wanting to be with them instead of where i was. i could be missing out on one of the best times of my life...because i was thinking of somewhere i'd rather be. granted, there are those times, i.e. doing homework at 1 in the morning with no end in sight...but that's why you have the good times, that's when you're supposed to want to be somewhere else.

so...i find it extremely appropriate that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, because in the midst of everything on my plate, it's so easy forget HERE and NOW, instead of where i'd rather be. so for the next few days anyway, i'm going to focus on HERE and NOW, because i have so much HERE and NOW to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

survey from my wifey

Can you take this witho​ut delet​ing any quest​ions?​
yup

What'​s going​ on betwe​en you and the last perso​n you kisse​d?​
absolutely nothing..it was 5 years ago

What was your worst​ mista​ke in your life?​
long story.

Would​ you get back with your last ex if they asked​ you?
nope

What'​s somet​hing you reall​y want right​ now, be hones​t:​
to at least see a particular member of the opposite sex

Last time you had butte​rflie​s in your stoma​ch?​
today, probably...econ quiz

Does anyth​ing on your body hurt right​ now?
joints.

Who was the last perso​n to disap​point​ you?
that same person who i want to see right now

Who was the last perso​n you had a deep conve​rsati​on with?​
Sara :-D then my mother

What are you liste​ning to?
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay

Whats​ a quote​ from a song that you are liste​ning to?
"that was when I ruled the world"

Have you ever punch​ed a hole in the wall?​
nope but i def could have

Do you know someo​ne in jail?​
i don't think so

What about​ in DGA?
nope

Where​ were you at 2:00 this morni​ng?​
getting into bed

Who did you copy this from?​
Dani

How do you know them?​
she's my wifey!!

Do you wear glass​es?​
nope

Anywh​ere you'​d rathe​r be right​ now?
HOME, with someone

Are you going​ anywh​ere for the next summe​r?​
i have no idea...hopefully North Carolina

Do you have plans​ today​?​
helping out with Haiti relief, then studying and packing for HOME tomorrow!

Waiti​ng for someo​ne to call?​
Nope

Will you call them if they don'​t call?​
Not waiting for anyone to call

What'​s a fact about​ the last perso​n who had their​ arms aroun​d you ?
Sara is one of the strongest people i've ever met.

Where​ did you get the shirt​ you are weari​ng?​
new york and company

Could​ you go a day witho​ut eatin​g?​
NO WAY!

Do you know anyon​e that smoke​s weed?​
Yes

Do you still​ talk to the last perso​n you dated​?​
no

Have you ever kisse​d a stran​ger?​ If so, how did it happe​n?​
no

Do your paren​ts force​ you to go to churc​h or let you make the decis​ion?​
i go to church on my own.

Where​ is the furth​est place​ you'​ve trave​led?​
Italy

Can you do split​s?​
never could!

What was the last thing​ you drank​?​
Water or mocha latte

What was for dinne​r tonig​ht?​
didn't have dinner yet

Does your ex miss you?
I don't know

Does anyon​e love you?
I really hope so

How has the week been?​
hopefully today will be fast so i can get HOME!

Does the last perso​n you share​d a bed with mean anyth​ing to you?
Better question: who was the last person I shared a bed with? Probably a very good friend

Do you curse​ in front​ of your paren​ts?​
yes, actually...my dad doesn't care and my mom doesn't care about little ones but she gets mad with the big ones

Are you slowl​y drift​ing away from someo​ne?​
i hope not

Have you ever kisse​d anyon​e who'​s name start​ed with an F?
nope

Did anyon​e see you kiss the last perso​n you kisse​d?​
Nope

When a frien​d walks​ out of your life,​ do you go after​ them or let them go?
it's one of the hardest things for me to deal with

Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you last kisse​d?​
nope

Does anyon​e hate you?
i think so

Do you belie​ve every​one deser​ves a secon​d chanc​e?​
key word being second, but yes. i do.

What was your first​ alcoh​olic bever​age?​
Wine

How old were you when you first​ smoke​d weed?​
never did

Have you ever lived​ with your girlf​riend​?​
Friends that are girls, yes. Girlfriend, no
Pee while​ on the phone​?​
Nope

Have you ever slept​ over at your girlf​riend​'​s house​?​
Friends that are girls, yes. Girlfriend, no

AAHH!

TWO DAYS!
until my homesick spell is OVER.
i'm thinking about one year ago tonight...i came back from closing night of Maccers and had to write a massive paper and went to bed at 4am. good grief. so, so happy that i only have some religion hw and practicing and econ reading to do...some of which i can finish up tomorrow morning. when you break it down it's really not all bad. especially when you compare it to last year.

haven't given an update in a while...
- last weekend...my parents were here for the student recital and i sung Voi, Che Sapete. hard piece if i do say so myself. then they took me, Claire, and Nicole out to Brick Alley. Sunday went with the madre to CHRISTMAS TREE SHOPS and started CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

- had somewhat less work this week than i had last week but that didn't mean that it was over. still had dumb science quizzes. Friday i went to see Cassy, then went to see the Laramie Project with Ann, Whit, and Chelsea and saw a bunch of other people there too. went to the dance show last night with Ann, Whit, Ben and Nicole then Nicole and I went with Glynnis and Megan to Micky D's for late night foooood...and Megan and Terin rocked in the show :-D today went out with Nicole and her mom who was so, so sweet!!!! we ate at the red parrot then i went over to Sara's dorm for a good three hours. went to Mass and now i'm here procrastinating. yesh.

i'm so so so so so sooooooooo sick of studying for 10 point quizzes that i could cry. but...i have less than 48 hours until i'm HOME!!!!!!!

i'm so confused.

i don't know what you want.

i need answers.

i want to go HOME!!

i'm so tired.

i'm so busy.

i have to cram in 16.5 hours of community service between now and the end of the semester.

i'm so, so sick of studying.

i had a test last friday, a presentation on saturday, a presentation on monday, a test on tuesday, a quiz on wednesday, a quiz on thursday..and i declared my Religious Studies major on friday.

friday's test = 85
saturday's presentation/paper = 96
monday's presentation = 97
tuesday's test = 78, but add on the +20 extra credit points and you get...98
wednesday's quiz = 92
thursday's quiz = don't care because it will get dropped anyway

good enough! i'm satisfied.
but...ALL OF THAT IS REASON TO BE SO, SICK OF SCHOOLWORK.

and...SO, SO SICK of something else.

IS IT SO WRONG TO MISS SOMEONE AND JUST WANT TO SEE THEM??!!

and...i'm going to be TWENTY in less than a month. WHY????

I Am A New Yorker

i didn't write this, but i LOVED it and i need to share it because it makes my life.

I am a New Yorker
I do not live in the five boroughs or on the Island or Upstate
I may live hundreds or thousands of miles away
Or I may live just over the GW Bridge
But I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker
Whatever took me out of New York:
Business, family or hating the cold
did not take New York out of me.
My accent may have faded and my pace may have slowed
But I am a New Yorker
I am a New Yorker
I was raised on Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and Rockefeller Plaza,
The Yankees or the Met's (Giants or Dodgers)
Jones Beach, Rye Beach, Orchard Beach or one of the beaches on the sound
I know that 'THE END' means Montauk.
Because I am a New Yorker
I am a New Yorker
When I go on vacation, I never look up
Skyscrapers are something I take for granted
The Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty are part of me
Taxis and noise and subways and 'get outa heah' don't rattle me
Because I am a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker
I was raised on cultural diversity before it was politically correct
I eat Greek food and Italian food,
Jewish and Middle Eastern food and Chinese food
Because they are all American food to me.
I don't get mad when people speak other languages in my presence
Because my relatives got to this country via Ellis Island and chose to stay
They were New Yorkers
People who have never been to New York have misunderstood me
My friends and family work in the industries, professions and businesses that benefit all Americans
My firefighters died trying to save New Yorkers and non-New Yorkers
They died trying to save Americans and non-American cans
Because they were New Yorkers.
I am a New Yorker
I feel the pain of my fellow New Yorkers
I mourn the loss of my beautiful city
I feel and dread that New York will never be the same But then I remember:
I am a New Yorker
And New Yorkers have:
Tenacity, strength and courage way above the norm
Compassion and caring for our fellow citizens
Love and pride in our city, in our state, in our country
Intelligence, experience and education par excellence
Ability, dedication and energy above and beyond
Faith--no matter what religion we practice
Terrorists hit America in its heart
But America's heart still beats strong
Demolish the steel in our buildings,
but it doesn't touch the steel in our souls
Hit us in the pocketbook;
but we'll parlay what we have left into a fortune
End innocent lives leaving widows and orphans,
but we'll take care of them
Because they are New Yorkers


Wherever we live, whatever we do, whoever we are
There are New Yorkers in every state and every city of this nation
We will not abandon our city
We will not abandon our brothers and sisters
We will not abandon the beauty,
creativity and diversity that New York represents
Because we are New Yorkers
And we are proud to be New Yorkers

by Vincent Pasquale

15 days until the official start of the best time of the year!

i broke out the Christmas music today. i just couldn't wait anymore. Christmas isn't for another 46 days, but it doesn't matter to me. i just had another crappy Monday so it was necessary to lighten my mood..but now i can't focus. i state that the Christmas season officially kicks off when i go home for Thanksgiving.

so, in honor of the BEST TIME OF THE YEAR being right around the corner (and it actually starting according to some radio stations and commercials), here is a list of all of my favorite Christmas things, in no particular order.

- the TV specials that i actually have time to watch; Christmas in Rockefeller center and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are two of my personal favorites due to growing up in NEW YORK. A Charlie Brown Christmas always makes me think of my mother, because she gets excited like a child for that one.

- my favorite commercials are prob the Pampers "Peace on Earth" commercial with the babies from different parts of the world with "Silent Night" in the background, whatever the Hess truck commercial is that year, the Radio City Christmas Show commercial, the classic Hershey Kiss commercial, Santa getting stuck in the chimney advertising some stomach medication, the classic M&Ms commercial when the red and green M&Ms sneak downstairs and run into Santa, the "a diamond is forever" comercial with a cover of Cat Stevens' "How Can I Tell You" playing in the background and a man giving his wife/girlfriend a ring as a surprise, and if anyone remembers the "Behold The Power Of Cheese" commercials, one of those in which a girl leaves Santa cheese instead of milk and cookies and he left her the whole freakin' toy shop.

- the music, my favorites being O Come, All Ye Faithful (Nat King Cole or Josh Groban), (Christmas) Baby Please Come Home (Darlene Love), Sleigh Ride (the instrumental version or The Ronettes), all of the awesome Bob Rivers parodies (I even like the cynical aspects of Christmas), and a whole bunch that i can't think of right now!

- the crazy shopping. i do Black Friday every year and i always like to listen, just for the hell of it, for what toy soccer moms across the country will be knocking each other over for this year. i remember the year that Tickle Me Elmo came out and a fight broke out on Christmas Eve in a K-Mart over the last one. i also remember Furbies, and i didn't say that i wanted one until much later...but Santa definately scored for me and i somehow got a Furby :-D

- the food, including all of the special food that chain establishments don't serve at any other time of the year; i had my first Eggnog latte from Starbucks yesterday and it was just wonderful. my mom and i always make cookies a few days before Christmas and it's something i look forward to every year. also the traditional Italian Christmas Eve...for us it's sicilian pizza, fish sauce, pasta, and fish salad that my grandmother makes. dessert is cookies of course. i'm not a big fish person but Italian Christmas Eve is just full of magic.

- the movies: A Christmas Story is my all-time favorite MOVIE, forget about christmas movie. but It's a Wonderful Life never ceases to leave my eyes wet, and some of the newer ones like The Polar Express and Deck The Halls are great too. Of course there's Miracle on 34th Street though I grew up with the Mara Wilson version as opposed to the 50s version.

- the Church services. don't need to go into details, except i sob. every year.

- the gift giving/receiving. makes me feel so good both to give and receive.

- and then there's my birthday, stuck in the middle of the season...but all of the more reason to celebrate!

yours truly, one sad conservative.

so what does one think of when they think of the word LIBERAL?

i think of being FREE. at no cost. because God forbid we should EARN it...not like the Founding Fathers tried to or anything. anyone remember 1776?

i think of legalization of pot and reducing the drinking age to 18...because it all goes on underground anyway, right? but...what kind of ROLE MODELS are we that we are saying it's OKAY to be DRUNK at 18 and to be HIGH all the time? what STANDARDS are we setting?

i think of the word hypocritical...okay, so we can save the lives of criminals (and Obama supports capital punishment anyway) and we won't go to war, but yet, because a woman makes a stupid mistake in judgement, it should be okay to kill a LIVING, BREATHING life. makes a WHOLE lot of sense.

i think of BILL CLINTON...just hearing the names gives me a knot in my stomach. because it's perfectly okay that he was president for eight years and engaged in one of the most unethical acts that a human being can engage in. i also think of ELIOT SPITZER..oh, what a guy! notice how they're both liberal democrats.

i think of other people who are liberal who say they are so accepting, and yet, if you're not liberal, they don't accept you. someone explain that one to me.

i think of people like Al Sharpton who think that everything that could possibly be a racist slur is indeed a racist slur.

i'm not saying that every liberal is just like this. because most of my friends lean to the left and we have an understanding (true friendship right there...no sarcasm). i know i'm generalizing. who knows? i don't think Obama is a bad guy...i'd take him over Hillary any day.

BUT...disrespect and lack of ethics and accountability in this country has gone FAR ENOUGH. i thought McCain was going to be the guy to change that. not saying Obama isn't ethical and accountable...because while he very much may be, most of my own generation, obviously excluding my friends because i pick carefully, isn't. which is exactly why they voted for Obama...they figured that now, their voices of disrespect can be heard....because that's what LIBERALS do. they are too trusting that people being accountable to themselves is enough. well, guess what...it's not. that's why we have LAWS. and i kind of feel bad for Obama, because i'm sure he is a very responsible person who is going to trust that everyone else is responsible too. but if you give a little, guess what happens. all people want is MORE.

and distribution of wealth...isn't that called socialism? so, it's okay to exercise all kinds of freedom, but when it comes to money, we can't. God forbid we spend our money the way we want.

dear Mr. President...prove me wrong. show me that the next four years won't be the era of demise of the United States of America.

yours truly,
one sad conservative.

so the world went so right for me today.

except...i don't know the next time i'll see your face.

:-(

what to do??

i was prepared
i was ready
i was all set
give me another synonym...you get my drift.

but a lot can happen in a short amount of time
and all of that preparation
went to waste
and now when i need it...it came on too quickly.

what are we now?
where do we stand?
is it time for goodbye
all over again?

i can't think straight
my head spins in circles
as i sit here and wait
for an answer.

another crazy weekend!

i just realized that i never commented on the House episode, or on HSM3! both were amazing. finally Cuddy gets what she's been wanting and House had to be an ass about it..but next week's preview looks exciting *ahhh*

on Friday Nicole and I went to see HSM3! and we both cried. wow. dorks much? but we really had an awesome afternoon...chasing the RIPTA and playing the video games at the movie theatre. and i got a kid combo box..just because it had HSM characters on it!! came back, wound up talking on the phone forever, and got ready for the halloween dance. which was all and all a good night. sometimes i try too hard to re-create things that happened once before..but i have to remember that not all halloween dances are created equal. it's hard going to things like that as a 'floater' because you want to make sure you see everyone that you're friends with..and you have to fight through massive mosh-pit type crowds to find everyone. and i massively missed Erinne and Ryan and Danny...because they were at all the dances last year and i just felt like there was something missing.

and because i couldn't just go to bed when i got back...i promptly overslept the next morning and i had to be up at 5:30 for the VIA trip to NYC. i didnt hear my phone. wow. that is, i didn't hear it until Alli called at 6:21 and we had to be there at 6:15. i got my workout for day b/c i ran part of the way to Rodgers, where the bus was waiting. but lo and behold, i made it. Alli and i wanted to get the museum assignment done early because my parents came and took us out to lunch!!! and they brought Fagin, which made for some extra entertainment. we wound up eating at Fiorello's, so Fagin could be comfortable outside someplace...even though at some point he was propped on a seat, begging and almost eating the paper off the complimentary corn muffin.

we didn't get back from NYC until 9, and then i ran to get my costume on and Claire took me over to Shivaun's, for her halloween party. party only went until 11, as Shivaun had to go to work.

i had hoped for this to be the weekend...especially since so many hints were dropped. i had no reason to be hurt because it wasn't like i was ditched. and yet i was left going to bed last night questioning whether "this" is worth it anymore. i know i'll hold on because that's what i do...but at some point i need to give it up.
i didn't, however, let it ruin my weekend!! go me!

one year later <3

so i know that i do my best thinking in the shower. and this was just too good to not write.

the halloween dance is in two hours-ish and i feel like last year's halloween dance was...erm, yesterday. that led me to thinking about the past year...and actually, a little bit before that.

i'm a SOPHOMORE in college. good grief. a sophomore means, at least at Salve, bringing your car on campus or in my case bumming rides off my friends who didn't have cars last year. it means getting to live in mansion dorms or in cottage dorms and not stupid Miley. it means that you know the trolley schedule by heart and know the bus routes. it means that you have a better chance of being an officer or a leader in a club because you've been at it for a year already. it means thinking about studying abroad. it means no more NSS. it means deciding who you want to live with instead of who you're assigned to live with. it means that you realize that about half of your class is noticably absent...as lots of people transfer after their freshman year. it means that you can be a mentor or an RA. but most of all, it means...you're not new here anymore.

you go past the trolley stop on friday afternoons and see about a dozen freshmen, at any given time, with their bags packed. and you remember when that was you...homesick, missing your friends from home, wondering if it will ever be the same again. you see their naive faces walking around town, having no idea where the hell they're going. they usually travel in gaggles and you know that they've made real friends when the group reduces to just two or three instead of eight or nine. and then, you, the sophomore, the 'upper classman' now, hears someone scream your name and it fills your heart. you pray for that freshman because their day will come.

you also understand their pleas because one thing about college is that you're always missing someone. when you're at school, you miss your family and your friends at home. when you're at home, you miss your friends at school. and wherever your significant other is, you miss him or her whenever you're not in the place that he is. if he/she's from home, he/she comes to visit you at school on the weekends, and if he/she's from school, he/she comes home with you for a weekend and then you go to his/her place for another. but one thing that's good about it is that missing people forces you to keep in touch with them. thank the good Lord for Facebook...because sometimes you just don't have time for a long chat on the phone, whether you're at school and you just give a quick Hi! to a friend from home, or vice versa when you're at home. because there is time for that.

but one thing that you don't come to realize until after the summer between your freshman and sophomore years is that in both cases...if you're as good of friends as you say you are, you just pick up where you left off. when you go home in May, you are out so much that first week that you barely sleep. there could be a drama going on with your friends from home and while you might hate drama, you're so happy just to be in the loop. when you go back to school in September, there is no breathing that first weekend back. you've all missed each other too much...you survived your freshman year together, how could you not love each other? and in my own case it's not just the people in my own year...it's my upper classman friends, and i love making friends with new freshmen. provided that no one lives too far away, you can visit friends from home at other schools, and your school friends can visit over the summer. or you can visit them. but when you're a freshman, you get scared that it won't be that way anymore...and then, when you go home for such a long time like the summer is, your relief is contageous.

essentially, you come to realize how lucky you are to have people who love you, wherever you go, no matter where you are. gone temporarily does not mean gone forever. your freshman angst is over. and that's what being a sophomore is all about.

a prayer.

Dear Lord,

I'm not sure if You read blogs...but since You are everywhere and omnipotent, I'm assuming You'll see this.

There are many people in my life right now who are in need of your care.
My roomate just lost her grandmother, had to return to Japan for a total of three days for the funeral, got jet lagged, was struggling in her course work to begin with and is now behind as a result of being away, and her father just lost his job. She never seems happy anymore, but I wouldn't be either.

One of my best friends at college was just told that she was nothing more than a "booty call" by someone she was close to for a long time.

One of my best friends from home is here, in the US, at college, while her parents are overseas in India and her grandmother is very ill. She just traveled to Maryland to see her grandmother in the hospital and help care for her younger cousins. She was so tired today that she skipped class.

A friend here at college (or more than a friend? I don't know...) has been struggling to look for a job since he graduated college over a year and a half ago. He feels worthless and depressed, and his parents are not helping the situation.

Another one of my best friends at college was just told by her boyfriend that she may have anxiety disorder. She is struggling with the idea of entering therapy.

One of my best friends from home is at college in California. She is a junior now and still has not adjusted to living away from home. She is perpetually unsure of herself and thinks twice about everything without realizing her own goodness.

One of my best friends from home who I consider a sister is trying to balance being a senior, having her mother fall out of her wheelchair, and with her depressive tendencies. Her ex significant other is dating one of her good friends at school and their relationship is being waved in her face every day.

From what Facebook tells me, there were two other heartbreaks that I don't even know the stories yet because I've been so busy with my own life that I haven't had the time to contact them.

PLEASE HELP THEM ALL. I know you are watching over all of us, and I know that not all of believe in your existance, but please help to make all of their lives easier. And lastly, please help me to help them while staying on top of everything in my own busy life.

AMEN.

i'm still standing, better than i ever did

flashback to last week...to HOME, which was awesome. i got to see a lot of people who i missed. Bevin and i went to see Nick and Norah's Infinate Playlist which i'm so getting on DVD when it comes out. my manicure actually lasted this whole week. i got to go to Church at home. found a halloween costume. family event for Grandpa Jake's 80th birthday was also awesome...especially the 11:30 pm Wendy's trip...LOL. i played guitar hero with Jaclyn and i drove my car to starbucks every day. i sometimes wish i always had that life where i had no responsibilities...but then knowing me, i'd get bored.

came back to Salve and it was like everything hit me at once. in three days i had two quizzes and a test. but i got a 96 on my philosophy essay, and my science professor decided to do something nice for once. apparently we get 20 points added to our test score if we make up 20 questions. sweet deal. but tuesday and thursday were just rough, and everyone around me seems to be falling apart, which makes me fall apart. and i'm so, so, so happy that it's FRIDAY. i feel like i haven't slept in forever.

Claire's birthday celebration tonight :-D still have to get her present...way to be, Gracie, really!

and...FREAKING RED SOX. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. why couldn't the Yankees do that? WHY?

i'm too excited to study!

I'M GOING HOME TO NEWWWW YAWK TOMORROW!!!!!

and i can't wait. legit. i haven't been home yet and i've seen my parents once...and while i'm excited to see them i have a laundry list of people i have to see. at this time last year i already went home once and probably saw my parents twice.

i do have a stupid earth science test tomorrow...i poured out my troubles in that class to Sr. Marta, who might be the most understanding and sympathetic professor ever. i also told Dr. Lawber, who just laughed and said how much he would like to say on the subject. i HEART Dr. Lawber and Sr. Marta. actually, i heart every professor except one. Dr. Sylvia is interesting and really knows her stuff. Dr. Lawber goes without saying. Sr. Marta appreciates how hard i work and how much i have to do! and Dr. Hersh is so, so funny, so entertaining, so knowledgable, and also appreciates how interested i am in the material.

but it's been quite the busy week. Kaoru had to go back to Japan for a death in her family and we (me, her, Greg, Glynnis, and Glynnis' roomate Erin) were up at 4:30 am to get her to the airport in Providence...and last night i had to help set up for the campus min BBQ, have three hours of chorus, and go to my first SGA meeting which was actually really cool and interesting...I HAVE A PLAQUE THAT I RAISE WHEN I HAVE A QUESTION! we get to vote on everything and i have to get used to being called "Senator Donaldson." but don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME. it runs like a real senate. we took this crazy personality test to show our leadership skills and mine came out so accurate that it was scary. then today i had to go to Newport Police to get fingerprinted for Positive Role Models, and Terin and i managed to go to Dunkin afterward, and before our 10:30 classes. had class/lunch/more class, had a meeting with Anna Mae about retreat music (I'M CANTORING THE RETREAT...YAYYYY) and then promptly threw in Anchorman and slept through most of it...for 2 1/2 hours. way to go, Gracie.

i still have to pack...and study...but I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO SEE EVERYONE and to go to NEW YORK CITY!!!!! *squee*

everything you do
makes me feel so alive
and so confused
at the same time.
i can read your mind
but i can't read your heart.
i don't know where you want this to go
i can't figure out how you feel
all i know for sure
is everything that i feel for you.
you frustrate me
get me all worked up
so hard to read!
yet you make me laugh so hard
that my sides ache with joy.
and that reminds me
of just how much
i want to be with you
forever and for always.

WOW. :-D

and THAT, ladies and gentleman, may have been one of the best nights OF MY LIFE.

granted, there have been many of those. but this one will be added to the list. all of the drama of the week just seems so insignificant now. and it should stay that way because i don't care anymore (at least about the blame that got thrown at me...funny...).

technically, it started last night, when chorus ended and i had my little campaign party at Sky Ranch while we waited for the fated phone call to come which said whether or not i was a SGA senator. Ben, Sara, and i came over right from chorus and we were eventually joined by Ann and Whit (who left because Ann was so sick...aw), Jenn, Natalya and her friend, this girl Erika who was in chorus and i never met but i LOVED, Nicole V., Rachel V. coming in and out, and Megan (with Shane circulating around and making annoying remarks about How The SGA Does Nothing...oh dear...). we ate and watched House, then switched to the vice presidential debate and when we got tired of that...more House (it was, after all, my night).

i practically hyperventilated at 10:30 and there was still no call and a million and one people texting me asking what happened. we left skranch so we wouldn't bother Shirley anymore, but we hung out in the Miley lobby until the call FINALLY came at
10:55...to tell me that i was an SGA SENATOR!! (yea..you prob heard us scream all the way from Miley). i was on the phone and AIM for prob an hour and a half, just spreading the news. i called Uncle Vin at 11:15...and he didn't care!

today started out with a whole bunch of hugs and congrats. my dad told Margaret all about the election and she emailed me to say congratulations :-) after econ i had lunch with Wifey, then Sara came and sat and then Nicole V. showed up and we were legit eating in Miley for an hour and fifteen. it was awesome. then i ran into Glynnis and pretty much spilled the drama of yesterday (that i heard from three different sources) to her. after we compared stories in skranch for a bit it was on to the next stage of the day...

Claire and i were going to Holy Smokes for her to get her cartilage pierced and for ME TO GET MY TRAGUS PIERCED!!!! AHHHH!!!! and Claire handled it like a pro..despite how nervous she was. i know how much blood is in your tragus...as out of nowhere my ear started bleeding after it was all done. but still, despite more pain than i intended for, a whopping $45, and blood on the seat belt in Claire's car...it looks AWESOME. came back to Salve, made more phone calls about the election, and went to Glynnis' dorm to go to Brick Alley for dinner. it wound up being me, Glynnis, Megan, Claire, and Claire's roomate Jenna, so we all fit in Glynnis' car. we didn't wind up going to The Brick due to the forty minute wait so i got to experience my third friday night in a row at the Red Parrot. but it didn't matter...it was still awesome. Glynnis just kept cracking us up and we ate so much dessert that we couldn't finish it...that's how big the desserts are at the Red Parrot. we got to experience Glynnis trying to parallel park with poor Megan directing her...and how city girls don't belong in the woods. Megan gave me this sweet little card for winning the elections, which is now hanging in my dorm. when we walked back to the car i started bitching about the long walk and apparently i'm from NY so i should be used to it...then Glynnis started doing the "tush and ankles" routine which was effing amazing. we went to Stop and Shop then drove back to Salve with "Walk It Out" blasting out the windows. we rock. end of story.

next stage of the evening...threw laundry in the machine, hung with Kalyna in her room while i waited for it, went down to Miley to give Shane his bday gift b/c his bday is on Sunday. we moped around and Dani was working in Miley Mart so we made faces at each other threw the windows (in true Wifey fashion..haha) i got a mini-tour of the back of skranch which smelled so badly that i almost gagged. and i noticed how Shane's intake sheet has "Sugar Sugar" programmed into the computer to read that, every time. i think i laughed about that for a good twenty minutes...we bummed around Miley Mart with Dani for another good fifteen minutes and Shane opened his gift, then he took me back to Young and we yelled at stupid people, the whole three minutes it took to get here.

i really should go to bed! i have a SGA retreat at 9am. shit...but i'm just way too happy and high on life!!!!

a little nervous (??)

only i can manage to be running for office, taking 20 credits, and be in what seems like love all at the same time. but the truth of the matter is that...they can all turn out too amazing for words.

but i suppose i am a tad (oh crap, now i'm using his vernacular...and not on purpose!) nervous about the results of the SGA elections...i've been saying that i don't care because i want to believe that. i love how there are 12 spots and 13 people running. Lucky Thirteen will Lose.

and at the same time...i love how many friends are wearing my shirts, putting up my posters (Rachel and Natalya), taking DOWN my posters (long effing story), drove me to Wal-Mart for supplies (Glynnis), made cookies with me (Kalyna, Cait, and Ben), made t-shirts (Nicole and Kaoru), joining my facebook group, putting "VOTE FOR GRACIE" on their away messages and facebook statuses, and generally saving my ass (Claire, Emilie, and Alli!) . i'm honestly humbled by it all, i really am.

the poster crisis (the already referred to Long Effing Story) kind of broke up the week a bit...i got this stupid email saying that i had to take down a bunch of my posters b/c they would peel the paint off and they were a fire hazard (where WAS i supposed to put them, after all? bulletin boards...or as Shane would put it...on the sender of the email's ass...wow).

but the long and the short of it? VOTE FOR GRACIE FOR SGA SENATOR! because Busy People Get Things Done!

what haven't you told me?

they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
if that theory's right then your soul is all about me.
what you say and what you do just don't match up
what haven't you told me?

i really think we stepped it up
you poured your heart out to me
i listen with everything i had
for what you didn't tell me.

i can't get you out of my head
we can't stand to be apart
and i want so much to give you my heart
and to finally hear what you haven't told me.

I WANT IT ALL.

I want that crazy social life
the endless calls and text messages
never free on weekends
hit me up later bitches (love ya MWAH)!

I want to get those grades
look at me, I got straight A's AGAIN
Good Student Discount and Dean's List ceremonies
oh that Gracie is SUCH a teacher's pet (GRRR).

I want to get the guy
the one I fell the hardest for
just admit your feelings for me
and then we can live happily ever after!

I want to be the best singer
Every concert and choral group
why the HELL didn't I make a capella?
and I know theory too.

I want to be in charge
student senator, campus ministry
OMG she does EVERYTHING
(and she manages to go to CHURCH?)

I want to be busy
but not to feel what happens
when something's gotta give
and you're running on empty.

I want to put the normal feelings aside
not to want what means the most
but I guess we're not robots
I guess I'm only...human.

....but does that mean that I Can't Have It All?

Dear Annoying Little Voice In My Head That's Telling Me "You Can't Do It All" :

Bring it, bitch.

With Love From Gracie!

i'll give you $100 if you find someone busier than me.

i need to make the world aware of what my life looks like until October 10th.

9/24- active campainging meeting
9/25- active campaigning begins
9/26- my parents are coming up, Hunger Concert
9/27-9/28- the rest of Fall Festival Weekend, with events that i have to go to
10/1-10/2- SGA Elections
10/3- my SGA fate is bestowed upon me...muhahaha
10/5- Shane's birthday :-)
10/6- Ann's birthday :-)
10/10- GOING HOME FOR LONG WEEKEND!!!!! YEAHHHHHHH!!!!

over said long weekend i need to:
buy a halloween costume, visit Margaret and Suzanne, probably get a check-up, see my biffles, and go to a family thing. yes, the planning has already started.

but i'm sure i'm forgetting some stupid tests or maybe POP QUIZZES THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT YET that are going to happen while all of this is happening!

it all works out, eventually.

so after the shitty week i had, the past two days COMPLETELY made up for it.

my shitty week was mostly due to a few not so hot grades...which we all know is not okay by me. Dr. Lawber gave us two pop quizzes in Econ and i got a 40 on one. i freaked out on poor Dani, who said she never saw me like that before. she practically held me while i screamed her head off in the middle of Ochre Point Avenue. (i have the best Wifey EVER, thank you.) the next one was better. a 70. at least i passed. not normally a mantra that i live by, but after a 40 and knowing that your lowest grade is going to be dropped, it's livable. i currently have an 85 quiz average in Econ b/c i got a 100 on a reaction paper. still not okay, but we're heading into the third week of the semester and i have time to pull it up.

the other class that pissed me off was Earth Science. two quizzes this week that we knew about...ten questions...one chapter each. you would THINK that would mean that SMALL LITTLE DETAILS would be excluded from the quiz and BIG CONCEPTS would be what we were tested on. it wasn't even like i didn't study the details! i just didn't study them as hard as the big concepts. every educator that i've ever had has been trying to get me to understand that i should only study big ideas and not waste my time with details because i did that forever. and i always completely overstudied. now i have to remember SPECIFIC ROCK TYPES??!! from a professor who says 'basically' every third word? OY.

not to mention the emotional crisis that i had to handle that wasn't mine, not being able to find helium balloons for Dani for her 21st birthday, falling UP stairs twice in one day, not being able to find the common room remote to watch the House premiere, the swipe card reloader being out of service, and then the icing on the case, finding the family gathering pictures on Facebook. that broke me. i threatened to come home next weekend.

there WERE some good things, though. i had two GOOD quizzes, and one of them was a surprise. i met my soulmate in Nicole, who is a freshman and in campus ministry. and the House premiere...was just amazing, though i want to hunt down Wilson and kick his ass (House and Wilson NEED EACH OTHER!). i even got my laundry done.

then on Friday, after lunch with my Wifey and making campaign t-shirts with Nicole, GAURI CAME TO NEWPORT!!!! Kaoru and I picked her up and waited for the shuttle forever, and then we ate at the Red Parrot. we came back, hung out with Shane, came back to my room and gossipped about people and watched National Treasure (or as much as we could get through before we fell asleep). we had brunch with Megan and Courtney then i showed Gauri as much of Newport as i possibly could. i took her to all of my favorite stores, we went to the arcade, then sat in Starbucks (just like if we were on LI) and came back and gossipped some more :-) (about people who were NOT in earshot!) Ann and Whit took us back to Gateway for Gauri to meet her bus. and now i'm back here, eating chinese food and leftovers from last night.

and i'm SO MUCH HAPPIER!!!!

i legit love my life.

i've realized that i haven't given a life update in a while. so, here goes.

i've been up until 2am pretty much every night doing work. and yet the only class that i really could do without is earth science because the professor is probably around a hundred years old and he goes on for an hour and fifteen minutes about...igneous rocks. my desk is next to the wall. that's usually where my head winds up. my other classes are mostly discussion and my social work professor, Dr. Sylvia, is letting me do the community service project that i wanted to do even though the outline will be given to her past the deadline. Dr. Sylvia is my hero for the week. something else awesome about this semester is that i get to have lunch with my Wifey three days a week! and i get to get up early to finish reading that i couldn't finish the night before, and i have a long break before my 4pm class on Tuesdays and Thursdays to do more reading.

my mom made her TV debut this week on Tabitha's Salon Takeover! at some point we actually heard her voice (and our home phone number was busy with people calling) but i yelled at her because she kept her sunglasses on in the first shot that we saw her in. my grandma called and asked my mom if the salon people had used the dirty salon supplies on her hair...that's my fabulous family for ya.

i've decided that i'm running for SGA senate, which may be the best thing ever or it could be the biggest mistake i've made in a while. Ann and Claire yelled at me because they know i have too much on my plate. i know they are doing it because they love me and that makes me feel good. but i've figured out that i must get some sort of odd pleasure out of being so busy that i could cry. i'm going to have to miss the Voices in Harmony concert because of the fall retreat, and next semester i'm going to have to miss the spring retreat because i wanna be in the musical. maybe this is what college is all about...making choices. but it's so great at the same time. i also need to add how much i LOVE my new freshman buddies-Rachel, Ben, Natalya, Jenn, Ali, and the whole rest of them-and i LOVE that they will all wear my SGA TSHIRTS!!!! Rachel loves US history, Ben loves music and musicals, Natalya is from California which makes her fascinating in itself, and Jenn watches HOUSE!!!!!!

Friday i had my usual lunch date with my Wifey and then i went downtown to do some xcore shopping for her 21st BIRTHDAY!!!! i finally got myself some starbucks, then came back, went to Panera with Claire and the rest of the Carnlough cottage girls, came back, watched I Love The New Millennium with Claire and Jenna for a while, then hung out with Shane on his late shift for a bit. Saturday i went with Megan to the March of the Seahawks and then to see the Salve football game against SUNY Maritime...which caused me to have some mixed alliances. went back, went on the cliff walk with Megan, and then Claire and i had our starbucks adventure...it took ONE HOUR to find an effing PARKING SPACE in downtown Newport. no joke, ONE HOUR, and plus the time it took for me to run into some random ass store to get quarters to feed the meter...only to find that the parking space that we finally ended up with had two hours and five minutes left on it. that was some damn good coffee. Saturday night Whit and i went to Sex and the City in Wakehurst and we saw Claire and Ashley, so we all kind of walked back together.

i love my life. have i mentioned that lately?? and...GAURI is coming to see me on FRIDAY!! and i think i'm going home in 28 days-ish. by the time i'm home, i'll know if i'm an SGA senator.

i guess we can call it my college resume.

i was thinking about all the stuff i've done while i've been a college student. so, here goes the grand recap.

-VIA program
-dean's list for fall 07 and spring 08
-university chorus
-madrigals
-church choir
-campus ministry student council
-campus ministry spring retreat committee
-voice lessons with two student recitals
-fall 07 production of the "Scottish Play"
-scripture sharing
-East Bay special olympics volunteer
-St. Clare nursing home volunteer
-and...major credit overload, especially this semester.

no wonder everyone tells me i'm insane...and i think i want to run for SGA senator.

the way it works for me
is that when someone says
they won't be in my life anymore...
they won't. and nothing will change that.

but you came back into my life
as quickly and unexpectedly
as you entered it
and it's so, so good to see you here.

but where will we go from here?
will it be the way it's been
where the tension is always there
and no one makes a move?

all i heard from people who care
is that you're not for me
but i don't care what they say
and i'm ready to take another shot.

but is this our last shot?
is this our last chance
to be something together?
or should i just give up?

i'm not ready to say it now
no 'que sera sera' for me
i'm blessing the day
that you came back
so
we
can
have
one
more
try.

i'm baack....

this is so, so wrong. but i miss my Miley room. my new room in Young doesn't feel like my room yet. i love it. it has a BATHROOM, which is so, so much better than the shittastic communal bathroom in Miley. there is an actual common room (but apparently Miley has a common room now....wtf...), it has a working elevator, there are actual closets instead of holes in the wall, Dani's apartment is literally next door and Ann's building is across the street, and the room is just all around big. Claire said that my Miley room prob didn't feel like my room at this time last year. i said that it didn't, but not as much as this doesn't. it makes no sense. the room is awesome. i have my pictures up. but it was a bitch to trek down to Miley Mart tonight and bum a ride off poor Claire. i didn't eat from 1pm until just a half hour ago. yay 4pm class and then chorus and mads.

i only have one class tomorrow, with...DR. LAWBER!!!! i have to figure out who will go to the think fast game show with me. i met new freshmen and that feels weird too. I feel like i'm still supposed to be a freshman. i have my first Jamie session tomorrow...yay for the shrink.

my parents got me a new camera. for no apparent reason. i love my new camera and i love pestering people to take random ass pics even more. yesterday was a really fab day, it really was. Dani and i just bummed around all day and we christened my new camera. i met Ann and Whit at the movie on the lawn at wakehurst, which was Ironman and we ended up liking. today i had my first VIA class with Dr. Hersh and this kid walked out because the conversation was depressing him. i bummed around with Glynnis for a good part of the day and i had chorus and mads later. it's been great, but i just miss Rachel a lot. so many times i wanted to run into Reefe (even though she wouldn't be there anyway) and bang on her door. one of the new freshmen that i met lives on her floor and that made me sad. i miss going on the cliff walk with her and miley caf meals and pestering Shane with her. i miss Claire being right next door. at least i still have K living with me.

and.......i guess we can say that i'm a little......homesick.

ooh, i'm CONFOOSED. haha

back to Salve tomorrow.

i don't know whether to be excited or sad. both, i guess. i've missed Salve all summer and now i get to be there...but i get to miss NY.

i've wanted to cry all day. and then i'll hear something that randomly reminds me of Salve and i'll get excited. and i'm going to miss Rachel.

and i'm nervous about...seeing 'you.' i've been doing that stupid thing that people do in the movies..rehearse what they are going to say in the mirror when they first see that person. hasn't exactly worked...i don't know what i'm going to say except....'hi.' wow, imaginative. it's been a really long time.

and i'm not looking forward to the irrational gracie voice in my head yelling at me to study more. contrary to popular belief, I DO NOT LIKE TO STUDY. i just like the results.

i'm all mixed up!!

wait, WHAT?

so i have officially wasted time this summer.

prepping to miss you.

and i thought i'd never see you again...but NO! i'm going to see you in a week and a half, like everyone else who i missed all summer.

i don't know whether to laugh, cry, jump for joy, slam a door, or just wonder how the hell i'm going to go about this.

my all time song list, in no particular order

Don't Stop Believing-Journey
Born to Run-The Boss
Livin' on a Prayer-Bon Jovi
Welcome to the Black Parade-MCR
So What-P!nk (new, I know, but it makes the list)
Baba O'Riley-The Who
NY State of Mind-Billy Joel
Vienna-Billy Joel
There Are Worse Things I Could Do-from Grease
Thunder Road-The Boss
Baby, It's Fact- hellogoodbye
Good Morning Baltimore- from Hairspray
South Side- Moby ft. Gwen Stefani
For Good- from Wicked (so cliche!)
and of course Ave Maria.


probably more to come. i think you can tell a lot about a person when you see their all time song list.

WHY??!!

WHY is this so difficult?
i had such a great night, a great day, and most stuff this week has been GREAT. and now i'm sad.

i think there is no one else in the history of the world who is as bad at good-byes as i am; especially good-byes to people who You've Really Given A Piece Of Yourself To and actually...TRUSTED. and who You've Never Met Anyone Like Before and Would Follow Around All Day Even Though You're A Leader and NEVER a Follower and Feel No Sexual Attraction To Whatsoever Seeing As You're Straight and She's a She. and who you kind of aspire to be in your next life but you only write that here....so...how do you say good-bye (even if it IS only temporary and you KNOW that they aren't GONE from your life...and has even requested an invitation to Your Future Wedding) to someone like that? ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT PERSON SIGNED YOUR PAYCHECK ALL SUMMER????

HOW???!!!!!

there enlies my frustration of the evening. i think i need to go watch House.

and we thought these days would last forever

what was this summer all about?

it was about learning to balance a new time-consuming job with a hectic social life.
it was about finally conquering the Northern State Parkway. all by myself.
it was about a project failing and learning to pick up the pieces and smile on.
it was about newfound struggles with my parents that we learned from and worked through.
it was about missing someone, a lot, but not letting it effect me.
it was about learning new things about myself.
it was about those crazy pictures that capture it all.
it was about reunions and hugs and brownie sundaes.
it was about meeting some really, really special people who i can awkwardly attach myself to, and further awkwardly attaching myself to special people who were already part of my life.
most of all, it was about being together, no matter what we were up to.


and....to lighten the mood....MY HOUSE SEASON 4 DVDS ARE HEEEEERE!!!!

'it's not goodbye, it's see you later'

i had to say good-bye to Margaret a half an hour ago.


i have to say good-bye to Christina in a little bit.


i have to say good-bye to Gauri TONIGHT.


i royally suck at good-byes.


:-(

doesn't everyone come and go?

if i was just going back to the fun part of Salve i'd be so, so excited right now.

but i'm not.

and i have to go back to missing people. but different people than the people from Salve that i've been missing all summer.

why can't i be one of those people who loves one place and hates the other? that would make leaving the place i hate and going back to the place i love so, so much easier.

i never made anything easy for myself.

i KNOW that EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS but i just feel things deeper than a lot of people do (and the people who love college and hate home or hate college and love home only go through it once...i get it when i leave college and leave home). i've been told that i 'take friendship very seriously.' let me rephrase that...i take ALL relationships very seriously.

i am SO, SO sick of random people Who Knew Me When I Was As Big As Their Leg asking me how college is and If I'm Excited To Go Back. now i'm going to have to answer how my summer was and talk about what i did. i think it's going to be that way for the next three years. after a while you sound like a broken record.

i need to make an album of pictures from this summer. there are so many.

and...i'm really, REALLY going to miss Margaret and Suzanne.

be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it.'

when i was in middle school all i ever wanted was to be THAT girl.

the one who everyone wanted to be like. instead i was the girl who wanted to be like them.

eventually i let that go and decided just to be me.

apparently a lot of people liked that idea because now i'm the person who everyone wants to be with.

don't get me wrong. it's a blast. usually.

a half of tank of gas lasts three days.

people call me not once, not twice, but three times in the same day to do something that night once i don't pick up the first time.

i see my parents a sum total of an hour a day.

i don't have time to breathe.

i'm so tired i could cry.

i clean out my text message inbox twice a day...and clear out my voicemail once a week.

and of course there's that pressure of being THAT person.

and sometimes it goes to your head and boosts your ego to a fault.

people keep things from you because they value your opinon so much that your dissapproval would kill them.

i always said that i would love to have all that power.

now i kind of wish i could go back to being a social outcast who spent friday nights with her parents or on the couch watching movies or babysitting, with no cell phone or facebook or even a car to get to all of these places. i didn't have time for myself before. i could never be famous. and i always thought i'd love to be...but if i'm overwhelmed now, imagine how i'd feel if i were famous.

1am...and a poem. big surprise.

if i get one more chance
to make the leap of faith
to tell you how i feel
and scream it to the world
are you going to be back
as a regular fixture in my daily life
because it's fate
or coincidence?
if i get one more chance
to let me love you
are you just going
to push it away again
and not let our chemistry matter?
are you worth my hopes?
are you worth my fears?
are you worth my dreams?
are you worth me
going over and over in my head
how i'll say something so simple
as 'hello'
or should you be going stir-crazy
over the first time that you'll see me again?
are you worth the leap of faith
that i'm prepared to make
just to be with you
provided that time
stays on our side
and maybe you won't leave....
just yet?
would you make the same leap for me?

identity crisis

i'm a lot deeper than a lot of people know.

i love all that girly crap, i really do, but i love being original too. i make sure that i never look like anybody else and i'm really, really emo and you wouldn't know that by looking at me. i'm a romantic FOOL sometimes and i get pissed off easily. i love being the center of attention and standing out. i love being in charge and i love helping people. i think humility is overrated but only if you have a reason to not be humble. i may not be humble but i'm not easy on myself at all. i'm really a freak if you think about it.

sometimes i want to try things that are so out of character for me just to see the reactions. is that...odd?

so confused. again.

i guess i'll never be the perfect child
no matter how much i try
no matter how many times i convince myself
that i can.
i guess there will always be that part of me
that's never quite right
that can't just go overlooked
that just gets picked on
and it will never go away.
i can't change it
even if i correct it
no matter how many things
i do right.
can't everything that's right
cancel out everything that's wrong?
isn't there more of that?
did i actually do anything right
or am i more than just a waste of space?
am i delusional?

weekend of my life

kudos to The Weekend Of My Life. Shivaun's party was fab, it really was. i didn't even feel like a jerk because i wouldn't play beer pong because i wasn't the only one not playing. i got hit on (haah, joy) but it was actually kind of hysterical. we hated on Shane for not showing up (BOO SHANE!)

my day in NYC with Gina was also fab. and spending the whole weekend with the Barones was just awesome. since i got paid this week, i spent $$ like a crazy person who really couldn't afford to, but i didn't care. i went to a psychic at the street fair outside Bliss Spa (where Gina had a foot massage from a flaming dude named Edwin.) and for $10 she wasn't bad. she told me that a lot of people take advantage of me. and that i won't be fat forever (ok, she was extremely encouraging). i bought this awesome tissue box cover that has a pic of a NY liscense plate on the top that reads AH-CHOO, with a whole in the C in CHOO for the tissues to come through. it's so quirky. I LOVE IT.

we hung out at my house on Saturday night and ordered food from Sergio's. and then i overthought, but what makes that different from any other day.

my parents went to this awesome wedding on Sunday while i was at Shiv's party. it was on a rooftop in SoHo and they said they want to have my wedding there. i want to get married at Salve, but i'll take that for a second choice. we hung out at the pool at the Barones' condo today, then went out to eat with my parents.

no work again tomorrow!! but work was really pretty good last week. Suzanne, the agent, livens up the whole office. she sends Margaret and I into stitches and we even have a running bet (which i'm WINNING) and it's awesome. i saw a lot of people this week (and i don't ever think i wrote about the John Mayer concert!!! where Bevin and i got SOAKED, but forgive me if i already did) and my social life is truly a blast. but i'll admit it's also exhausting.

people i need to see this week: Gauri (who is finally back from her worldly adventures), Marissa (who is back from her camp in DISNEY), and i'm seeing Bevin tomorrow. i need to see Allie before she goes to Italy too!!!!

other events in my social life: went to Barefoot Peddler with Michelle and Laura last week to see James. hung out with Michelle in Great Neck until 11ish afterward. saw Gemma on Thursday and hung at Starbucks forever. saw Anna and went to Uncle Dai's. went to SUMMER STOCK REHEARSAL last tuesday which was awesome because i got Erica mostly to myself.

I MISS SALVE LOVES! but i still stand that everyone should be in one place.

late night poet strikes again

It was as though no one else in the world existed.
They looked at one another
Wordless for once
In awe of each other
The moments they’d shared
And the people who they’d become together.
They weren’t ready to part
(How was it time already?)
Back to reality
To their own separate lives
Away from each other
And all that they’d shared.
They just stared
And stared
And stared
Until they broke the silence
With a goodbye embrace
And it was back to business as usual.

what i know now

i never knew that i'd end up with this life. i never knew that i'd have a social life away from my parents. i never knew that i'd be so fat....wait, i'm trying to keep this positive. i never knew that i'd actually survive my freshman year of college. i never knew that i'd meet some of the most amazing people ever at said college. i never knew that i'd be a music major. i never knew that i was going to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. i never knew that i'd have friends (from college) who lived in Connecticut, Massachusetts, and even as far away as Indiana (yay Rachel!). i never knew that i'd have friends and cousins in North Carolina. i never knew that i'd actually go to a club without freaking. i never knew that it was possible to enjoy your life even if you didn't like yourself. i never knew that i'd have a real job and be good at said real job. i never knew that i'd be one to talk on the phone until midnight.

because of all this, i can't stop believing that the stuff that isn't right won't work itself out (i.e. dramas, and being fat) God is there.

i also never knew that my mom would have her reality show debut before i would!

college survey

YOUR FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE...


Where did you live? Old Miley

Who was/were your roommate(s)? Kaoru

Do you still talk to them? yes! we're living together again next year

Ever get in trouble in the dorms? unreasonably and unjustifibaly.

Something you remember about when you first lived on campus? when the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night because someone's guest pulled the fire extinguisher out of the wall.

Your campus phone number or other number: um, yeah, like I'd give that to you.

First bar you got wasted at? not for me, thanks

Favorite Pizza Place? Via Via i guess

Favorite place to go out to eat? Panera, Brick Alley, Red Parrot

Did you go to the library? not a lot

What was your Favorite Floor: none really

Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined? campus ministry, University Chorus, Madrigals, and i was in the play

Where did you buy your books? The Bookstore

Who made the best wings? didn't have wings

Ever attend a concert or comedic performance? Jack's Mannequin came

Have you ever spent the night on campus not in your dorm hall? almost

Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go? Friday or Saturday, went to town, Starbucks, out to eat, and to Prov

Where did you get coffee? JAZZMAN'S

Go see a play or been in one? in Maccers, saw Mousetrap and Hay Fever

Did you ever have a job at school? nope

What do you hate about your college? my RA, my floor, some of the food, and 8:30 classes

What did you love most about it? my friends <3 and a certain member of the opposite sex.

Ever leave to go on a road trip? to Dani's house on February break and my mom picked me up there; went to visit Gauri in Boston

Where would you believe is the best location to live in? prob Hunt/Reefe

Graduated or still attending? still attending.

Year of graduation? 2011

Will you go back? yes!

How many parking tickets have you gotten there? none, no car yet

Finally, ever gotten arrested? nope.

different sort of poem

I NEED AN IDEA.
something that i put my all into.
my excuse for never having enough time.
that gets me ready to wake up in the morning
and eats away at my sleep at night.
that distracts me while i'm driving
that people get tired of hearing about
that my appointments get scheduled around
that i just
can't
stop
thinking
about.
at home
at work
that makes me drop my food when eating
and trip down the street when walking
and doesn't let me go to the bathroom....in peace.
that doesn't ever leave me alone.
that becomes so big that i need to call in backup.
that distracts me from the weather
that keeps me away from the real world.
that saps away at my boundless energy.
now that's the kind of idea i'm looking for.

SO confused!

i officially didn't get what i came for. my mission of yesterday failed. it really doesn't matter all that much, except for that both dumb, nosy missions like yesterday's, and real, honest missions, like i don't know, GREASE, have been failing. i like something is missing in my life. yet i'm happy, truly happy. i'm always tired, but that doesn't make life very different than it usually is. it's not my social life. i have the social life that i always wished i had. it's not my parents, to who i expressed how i was worried that i was disconnecting from them. we had our mental health day on 4th of july that we've all been needing. it's not even the players involved in yesterday's mission. it's...."you." and actually, it's not just....."you." it's not like we don't talk. it's my lack of a project!! i know i sound like a broken record. should i just sit back and enjoy myself, let everyone else plan projects for me? i've gone back a couple of summers and i've realized that i've had a project for most of those, what with camp counseling and being in summerstock. no wonder i never feel like i'm on vacation...but that's what i like. the office was so busy today in the morning...and i LOVED it. i felt so...empowered. the phone kept ringing, Margaret kept firing stuff at me to do, and customers kept showing up to pay bills. i didn't just feel empowered...i felt resourceful. i decided that i like Studying Under Pressure, despite how crazy i get. i feel, well, empowered and resourceful. (EDIT: couldn't think of any more adjectives.)

for everyone who is waiting for me to Burn Out....you can leave the theatre now. put down your popcorn. get a refund for this flick. it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

back in business.

i'd like to be an official event planner. anyone who would like to have me plan their event for them for a small fee would be welcomed. and i probably wouldn't charge anyone who actually reads this.

work was a million times better today. and i got the weekend of my life all straightened out and all systems are pretty much go. just a few things that have to be worked out. SO excited for lots of things this month (BRUCE CONCERT WITH ZE WIFEY, NYC gathering, The Weekend Of My Life, Myeloma benefit, and hopefully fireworks at Piping on Sunday provided we can get in).

i don't know why, but my unhealthy obsession with putting on shows/being in shows has caused me to not be the same since Grease died. i can't listen to Grease music anymore. it's my favorite show. it's one of my unhealthy obsessions. and i can't even listen to the Taylor Hicks radio commercial without feeling emotional. it's just a show. i should be over it. but i can't even remove it from my work info on Facebook.

other things and people i have Unhealthy Obsessions with (look out.):
starbucks.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
Facebook.
taking pictures.
my friends.
my car/driving.
chocolate mousse.
the Yankees.
teachers.
clothes/purses/SHOES.
lots and lots of music.
listening to music.
singing.
music analyzing.
other people's personal situation analyzing.
GREASE. ( :-( )
SUMMER STOCK.
learning institutions.
good Churchly things.
random facts/pop culture.
US HISTORY FACTS.
apparently, the sex and the city movie, which i never thought i'd like.
any book that i get extremely engrossed in.
CHRISTMAS.
politics.
long island.
newport.
being fabulous.
the flavor of love girls charm school.
ocean's eleven.
talking to sexy men who i've never met and will never see again. ever.
event planning.
acting.
small children.
fascinating adults.
restaurants.
good hippie things.
bragging that being Republican doesn't mean Anti-Peace...and wearing my peace sign earrings.
being a tacky Eighties Lady at heart.
WALT DISNEY WORLD. DUH.
being "out."
being on the written or unwritten VIP list.
running into people and being mauled out of happiness.
HUGS.
and the obvious, HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE. HOUSE. (which i can now pre-order on Amazon.com)

60 days to salve. yes, i counted.

no, seriously. i really did.



1) i get to see my Wifey on the last day of THIS MONTH. SQUEE!

2) Bevin aced the SATs the second time around!!!!

3) Ari and Joe graduated :-)

4) my job has been a hassle this week. *sigh* i'm a workaholic. and that's not good. i'm always tired. i'm always running to hang out with people and then i come home and talk to other people. i've waited a long time to have an amazing social life. this is what i've always wanted. i didn't count on always being tired. Margaret and i joke about me staying home. when i do stay home, we say that i've "thrown my parents a bone." i never thought that i'd be so quick to ditch my parents. am i...actually becoming a grown-up? are they letting go? this is all new. i don't know what's happening. and the worst part? i'm still going to do it! i'm still going to go out and talk on the phone and on AIM. i'm scared that i'm going to lose my parents and the relationship i have with them in the process.

5) another late night poem.

i know i've got it bad
because i keep listening for your voice
in my head
and while i can hear everyone's voice
as clear as day...
i can't hear yours.
you've become a picture
words on a screen
that stand in place
for the whole you.
you're not here.
not with me.
far....far.....away.
separated by over a hundred miles.
and it seems like much further.

thoughts, i guess

i often forget that your own problems are not nearly as daunting when measured against the problems of certain members of your life. in this case, that person is my boss, Margaret, who i've always really, really looked up to, even before she was my boss and she was just a friend of my dad's. i don't know that many people who wear as many "Hats" as she does.

i'm also about to majorly swallow my pride....and i'm amazed at how certain people can make you do that, time and time again, and make you bail them out even though you've bailed them out 2387232987 times before.

i realize that anyone who i consider a "brother" or a "sister" to me, whether they be older or younger, becomes extremely important. even if that means bailing them out. again. it's a responsibility that i take seriously.

also...to "you," i miss you more than words know how to say. i want to see you, be with you, just hear your voice...for crying out loud. <3



in other news....Happy Birthday Grandpa. You are always missed and we love you.

RIP John Tucholski (very involved Parishoner of my Church)

the brain needs work!

i'm feeling unfulfilled.
i need to sing/direct/act/organize something even if it doesn't involve theatre/music.
my mom thinks this may be a good thing because it frees me up because i'm working a lot.
i beg to differ. i don't like not being busy. i don't feel like i'm special if i'm not ridiculously busy.
even though i'm tired all of the time and i could use a mental health day big time.
and sadly, my new idea probably can't work.

NC was awesome, however. i missed my babies and i spent every moment with them.

i miss my Salve loves. a lot. :-(

i love my 516ers. :-)

rest in peace, buddy.

Grease is dead.


blah.


Time of Death: 8:29 PM.
as Frank put it, only a handsome doctor with a cane could revive it.

in other news:
RIP Tim Russert.
I Got Paid Today.
Dani's brother, Mike, had surgery today and is out of recovery and doing okay.
Congrats to everyone in the class of 08 who is graduating tomorrow.
I Might Have A New Idea...
Surprise Trip In Two Days. YIPPEEEE! (did I just say yippeee?? wow.)

and that is all. (awl.)

a bit about myself

felt like doing this. so here we go.

i've learned that sometimes the best things in life come from hard work. sometimes you get lucky and things come easily, but it's important, as corny as it sounds, to count your blessings. i like when things come easily- i know i'm spoiled and i like that i don't have to pay my phone bill and i get my own car. those are all great, but in a way i feel like i've had to work for those too. if i didn't work hard in school, if i wasn't responsible, if my parents didn't feel like they could trust me, i wouldn't have my own car and i'd probably have to pay my phone bill, or maybe i would just have a not so cool phone and less text messages...but the truth is that life is not measured in how many text messages you're allowed in a month. life, if you're going to measure it in text messages, should be measured in the text messages that are filled with those inside jokes that you'll remember forever, that will never get old. i've grown up a whole lot this year and i get told that i sound a lot more like i'm 30 than 19. i've learned a whole lot. sometimes the best things don't come just from hard work, but from believing in doing something that you never thought you'd do, like go away to college. maybe, just maybe, i'll ride a loop the loop roller coaster...but then again, i don't see that as a life experience that measures up to going away to school.at this time last year, i'd have rather rode that dumb roller coaster. now i'd rather go back to school! and not because it's the lesser of two evils, but because Salve is one of the best things that's ever happened to me. it's no longer something to be afraid of. but as i mentioned in one of my earlier posts, it would be nice if i could have everyone in one place. before i went to Salve, the only people i missed were my cousins, who live all over the place, and Laura, who moved to north carolina. i missed my summerstock friends during the year, but there was the security of knowing that they were just an IM (we IM more than call in most cases) away, and before we knew it the summer would be here and it would be time for another show. even when i was done with summerstock, we still saw each other more during the summer because we all had more time. now i feel like a grown up...no more summerstock, but rather a nine to five job which i do love, but still...and now i get to direct a summer show, God willing there are enough kids to pull it off...but as i said, there is as solution to EVERY problem. Michelle and I were talking about good-byes before and how much they suck. they do. they really, really do. even though i don't see them as often as i used to since college, my aunt Viv and Uncle Jay are moving to Maryland and i think my parents are avoiding the subject. but i couldn't help but hug them very, very tightly when they left our house on Sunday. now i'll have to miss them. i'll also have to miss Charlie and Jeanne from choir, even though i don't see them all that often since college either. but now i'm missing everyone at school and there are just so many people to miss and not see a whole lot. but in every case, we all know that we're all there for each other. communication is so easy these days. almost too easy. i think that's all for now. i am, after all, becoming quite the grown up and i need to go to bed because there will be a whole lot of insurance to look over in eight hours from now.

i want to wake up where you are.

i may not show it on the outside, but i miss you. so much so that i've cried over it for the past two nights.

ok. enough on that subject. i got my first paycheck and that feels so, so good. i love my job. i've seen so many of my fabulous 516 people and i have so many more to still see. and yet i'm really, really worried about how Grease is going to work out...Frank says we only need 10 kids to put on the show, but i'm still concerned. i hope it comes off. like it better. grrrr.

EDIT: i really like it when people you haven't seen for a long time haven't changed in terms of their good qualities, and seem to outgrow those things that once drove you crazy. sometimes it's nice to know that people are just the same old person they were when you last saw them, and it's also nice when they look at you and seem to say, "same old Gracie...." but at the same time, they've noticed that you HAVE changed, and not in a bad way. that you've grown up, that you have a lot to be happy about. i like that.

countdowns!

Laura Invades NY!!!!= 7 days
surprise trip...=11 days
Grease auditions= SATURDAY!
Michelle returns to NY!!!!=25 days
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN and WIFEY!=58 days

dance the night away.

i could, quite possible, be starting to find myself. don't hold me to anything though...i may be turning into one of those LIVE LAUGH LOVE people who puts all of those philospophical quotes about living EACH day as though it were the last day of our lives! despite my usual hint of sarcasm, i'm starting to think it may be true. this isn't like me-i'm cynical, sarcastic, and i hate cliches. but cliches suddenly don't seem so cliche anymore. they seem...romantic. i'm not nearly as cynical as i once was...if i'm cynical at all anymore since college completely changed my life. as for sarcasm...well, it's a part of me and would you love me any other way?

i just have so many reasons to be happy.
1) i maintained an acceptable GPA even by my standards.
2) i just saw VAN HALEN in concert. and i'm seeing BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN with my wifey in July.
3) i'm a music major. therefore, i have a good voice.
4) i just started a new job. and it's actually fab.
5) my Salve friends are amazing.
6) i've been seeing my old friends who i've missed.
7) my parents are hysterical and supportive.
8) my car doesn't drink up gas all that quickly!
9) i love children.
10)i get to go to NYC again on Sunday after a Mass that i'm going to love.

AND!! the Yankees are even starting to play like the Yankees again!!!!

a two part post

1) POOR WILSON!!!! after three ex-Mrs. Wilsons' he has to lose Amber? SERIOUSLY? and now he has to hate House? there is no end to the injustice that takes place at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. House almost gave his own life to save Amber. isn't that worth something? though the part that made everyone cry was that note, 'sorry i'm not here, went to pick up House' ....dry eyes were rare tonight. though i loved the moment at the end when Foreman sat down in a booth in a restaurant and Cameron and Chase showed up, like old times, like paying homage to seasons one through three. there was even a scene at some point during one of those seasons (too tired to recall now) where House sits down in a booth with them in almost exactly the same setting. the worst injustice of all? the fact that it was the SEASON FINALE...no House all summer. TEAR.

2) the late night poet strikes again. so here goes nothing.

you're so blind
to what i see
because through my eyes
i see a you and me
that we could be.
maybe you see too
maybe you don't
maybe we share nothing
maybe this is something else
to add to that long list of opposites....
but opposites attract.
i still want there to be
a you and me
but your eyes look elsewhere
not even your glasses can correct that poor vision.

i miss you every day. <3

i wish i could apparate. random harry potter reference.

good first week. mani/pedi, highlights, the usual. starbucks, and my biffers. driving around aimlessly. YAY. choir practice. double YAY. AIDS walk tomorrow. more YAY.

i just really, really miss my Salve friends.

and...i need to do another song dedication. i'm just glad that this day didn't come a few years ago because i would have been a total wreck. i'm not looking for any more gratitude than i already received. i never do nice things for the "thank-yous."

i can't waste time so give it a moment
i realize that nothing's broken
no need to worry about everything i've done
lived every second like it was my last one.
don't look back, got a new direction
i loved you once, needed protection
you're still a part of everything i do
you're on my heart just like a tattoo
just like a tattoo
i'll always have you.

explain to me why life goes by so fast.

so, i'm no longer freshmeat. that's good and bad i suppose. i feel...old. i don't mean my parents old, but i'm the same age as a girl that i used to baby-sit for when i baby-sat FOR her. i told Shane that i was feeling old...and he said "well, how do you think I feel?" he makes a point, after having been DONE with college for a year (so not looking forward to that). doesn't mean that i don't feel...old!

the calendar is the same as it was when i was in eighth grade aka the most amazing school year. it makes me feel like eighth grade was literally yesterday, even though it was five years ago and my cousin Trish is five now. she was born the night before i left for Washington, DC in eighth grade and i feel like she was just born and Mer was just pregnant for her...five years later, she's getting ready for kindergarten, Mer also had Joseph, my parents are married for 25 years, Uncle Joe and Alex are engaged, and I JUST FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE. where, oh where, did the time go?

i wasn't exactly too keen on going home because going home meant saying..goodbye. but i'll say that it went over well. it really, really did. we ran into Rachel and her dad in ocean coffee roasters on saturday morning before we left to come back to NY. we got back around 4:30 ish, to the driveway all decorated by Lexi, my neighbor, that same girl who i used to baby-sit for who's going to be starting HIGH SCHOOL next year...i sat for her when she was six and i was twelve. my parents left me balloons and my grandmother came over, then we unpacked a lil, i picked up Bevin (and we hugged forever) and we met Aunt Leeny and company and Uncle Joe and Alex for dinner. we re-located to LAGUNA in westbury b/c we couldn't get a table. we closed the restaurant. amazing first night back.

mother's day on sunday-the crew from the Italian family came down and aside from my getting a headache from the loud voice volume, we had a fantabulous dysfunctional day. today i woke up at 12:30, and loafed around pretty much all day. out to dinner, then back to watch the most amazing HOUSE episode of the season. seriously...AMBER? House's taste has gotten worse..Stacy and Cuddy are so much better for him.

i'm so happy to be back with the greatest people ever, but i really miss the other greatest people ever. i'm actually IM'ing with Claire right now and Rachel put a buttload of pictures up today and i realized how much i missed everyone. i know that it's only been two days but still...it's just weird to not get up and meet Claire in the hallway to go walk over to Jazzmans. it's weird to not yell over to Kaoru and Greg and tell them that They've Lost The Game. and at the same time, time just fell back into place here. i feel as though i've never left. the no schoolwork aspect, however, is pretty damn cool.

survey while listening to pieces that i have to recognize on the final.

Was your last kiss a mistake?
nah. it was cute.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
last thursday

Where is your father right now?
either putting the clamshell on our car or making dinner at home.

What do you think of your number 3 on your top friends?
she's only been my best friend since i was 5.

What is bothering you right now?
needing to see [H]ouse tonight in spite of having a final tomorrow, the song i'm listening to for said final (ah, the life of a music major), and not being able to find The Right Words.

Are you mad at anyone?
nah

Do you use big words?
lol yes

Have you ever been called a slut or 'man whore'?
as a joke, and probably behind my back during high school

Does your head hurt right now?
my ponytail is pulling but otherwise no

Wheres your ex right now?
state college, at least i think so.

Do you miss someone?
oh yes. everyone at home.

Have you ever injected a drug?
Nope

When was the last time you saw your father?
last Sunday (not yesterday, the one before that)

Look to your right, what is there?
phone, lipgloss, fortune from fortune cookie, two books, and my wallet.

Do you want to be in a relationship?
Yes!

Have any piercings or tattoos?
four holes per ear.

Do you fight with your parents often?
stupid fights with my mom every now and then, and when i fight with my dad it's usually a scream out. but neither one of those happen often at all.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
i actually don't remember...it's a Bon Jovi shirt

Have you ever been in a car accident?
lol...i crashed my parents' car twice

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
i try hard not to "hate" people but i feel like i could now be friends with someone who i dislike.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine (or Salve's, lol)

Do you think the whole day is better if you smoke pot?
No way

What are you looking forward to?
seeing my parents/Bevin/Gauri/Ari/Alex/Gina/Grandma

What is your mood right now?
sad + happy = lovesick.

What is the last movie that you watched?
Juno :-)

Why did your last relationship fail?
i felt like i wasn't being fair to him

Did you date anyone this summer?
No

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
only like every day...i haven't given up hope sadly

Have you ever kissed someone 18 or older?
sadly no

Are there people you want to delete from your buddy-list but don't?
Probably

You still talk to the person who hurt you the most?
yup.

the best of both worlds (??)

things i am so excited for:
aimless drives. drive thru starbucks. ralph's at the last possile minute. my favorite choir. going to Church with my parents and singing with my favorite choir. patrolling the streets of locust valley. going into NYC on the spur of the moment. visiting people when they are so not expecting me to randomly pop up out of nowhere. going back to portledge. seeing teachers. portledge graduation and ari's graduation. cousin gatherings. directing GREASE. another summer of pottery. showing up at summer stock. TGI FRIDAYS. LAGUNA. watching HOUSE until my eyes fall out. BAYVILLE SWINGS. roosevelt field/walt whitman/broadway. CPK. sketchy gc movie theatre. AIDS WALK. VAN HALEN. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. MY BABIESSS.

things and people i am not excited to leave:
our hallway spot. VERONICA MARS. mornings at jazzmans. JOAN DAVID. PAT HAWKRIDGE. good old stella, even with her dying hubcaps. Sunday night Mass. SKRANCHING it. endless movie saturday afternoons. wal-mart runs for no apparent reason. providence place. REMI'S. the trolley. achmed, the dead terrorist and jeff dunham in general. massive debates in skranch at odd hours of the afternoon. campus ministry meetings. MILEY MART runs. girl talks until 4am. OLD SCHOOL BSB. apple bottom jeans, boots wit da furrr. welcome to connecticut. sharing ipods on the RIPTA. dances in ochre court. st. clare nursing home. special olympics. movies in wakey. miley meals, despite the disgusting food. brick alley pub. the red parrot. yesterday's. LET'S GET CAUGHT. totino's pizza rolls. MO THE SHUTTLE DRIVER. complaining about NSS. and of course, "GRACIE WE'RE TAKING YOU OUT TO DINNER!!"

come to think of it, i am so so so lucky to have the best of both worlds. and only one aspect of the Salve world is going to dissapear. when i think of it that way, that particular aspect doesn't seem so daunting.