not this again...

i can't hang on anymore
to what i thought we had.

i float on through the everyday charade
but my head explodes with hurt.

now i'm far from where you are
but even when i was near
you never came.

do you regret it now?
do you miss me when i'm gone?
do you even give a shit?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
it's almost as though i don't know you anymore...or maybe i never really did.

it takes a rare breed
to drive me to this level
of what feels like insanity

i'm too tired to sleep
i'm too drained to think anymore
my mind plays like a broken record on auto-pilot
and i'm just in my own fog.

but maybe the end of this
is the most sane deed
that i will ever do.

home sweet home?

i don't remember the last time i felt so lost.

i mean, it's not even like i'm not happy. and when i'm with my friends, i'm happy. i've been seeing people all week who i have not seen in FOREVER and it's been AWESOME. they distract me from what i'm really thinking about.

but when i'm by myself i go into these deep thinking modes and i pull out old pictures and think about who i used to be. i guess being home reminds me of that person. i saw a lot of my old jewelry tonight and i remembered where i wore certain jewelry. it was so, so weird and i felt old.

i just found a crapload of pics from junior and senior year mostly and it's so strange to think about how long ago that was.

i miss my Salve loves SO SO SO much, more than i did last summer. i'm on AIM almost every night just to talk to them. but i'm seeing Glynnis on Sunday! YAY!!!!

and what i really want to talk about......i can't.

when is IT going to go away? when will i stop reminiscing? when will the feelings pass? and then i hear "Don't Stop Believing..."

.....and i am WAY confused.

i've never felt this way before!

so, all throughout high school, people used to cry about the seniors leaving and how different it would be and how much they would miss them. i never really understood, save for when Gemma graduated. But never before have I felt so close to a senior class until this year.

Commencement Ball is tonight and is in progress right now. I was just over at Ann's and saw her and Steph and Whit and Terin all dressed up, then went to Dani's and saw her and Meghan and Steph and the whole crew all dressed up. then I went and drove Erinne and Bryan down to commencement ball and got to snoop in the front window of the Newport Marriott to see everyone in their dresses!

I feel so nostalagic...it doesn't help that Erinne and Ryan are both here and I haven't seen them in so long. it feels like people are back together again and I LOVE that feeling. I keep seeing my seniors and just feeling so proud of them, so proud to be their friend, and so happy that they wanted me there to take pictures and hug them before going off to the ball. I wish I was going too...but I'll have my chance. I never understood the hype with Prom (though I did have a great time at mine) but this feels different. This feels special.

on the other hand...

NO MORE SCHOOL!

NO MORE STRESS!

NO MORE DEADLINES!

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

:-(

tomorrow's and Saturday's agenda:

-theory final at 10:45.
-random burst of happiness because finals are done.
-let the sadness commence.
-say good-bye to Claire and Kerrin.
-sell my books back.
-last TB sandwich at Sky Ranch/last meal at Sky Ranch ever/say good-bye to Shane.
-help Glynnis move out.
-do nothing. blech.
-go to bed.
-wake up on Saturday. good-bye breakfast with Ben.
-go to Providence with Alli...and then say good-bye to her.
-cry.

this is so damned depressing.

I should shut up already. It's a good problem to have.

at this point, it's an identity crisis.

no I'm being completely serious.

I am listening to 'New York, New York' right now, trying to get excited. Earlier today I was excited. Later on I was depressed. Then I wrote on Home People's walls because I am so excited to see them. Then I told Salve people how much I'm going to miss them. I got a text from Chelsea saying how much she missed me already. It made me tear up a little. Once I get there, I'll be golden. I won't have time to be upset. I'll be going to Florida with Jaclyn three days after I get back.

but still....UGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate how emotional I have to get about good-byes. I hugged Nicole for almost a solid minute on Sunday night. She's gone tomorrow too. And I'm dreading having to say good-bye to Glynnis and Claire and Alli and Kerrin and Laura and Ben and Jenn and K and Sr. Marta and obvs my seniors and obvs...the obvious. *cries*

yet...I know there will be some jumping and screaming and hugging when I see my Grandma and my dog and Bevin and Gauri and Allie and Ari and Michelle and Sam and Laura and Frank and Gina and Joe and all of the JCC-ers and Haley and Gemma and Margaret and Suzanne and Uncle Joe and Alex and Jaclyn and Beth and other people i'm forgetting slash other people who i usually tend to see only during the summer, but it's great nonetheless. just writing all of that out makes me excited. I haven't seen Allie since DECEMBER and Ari and Michelle since JANUARY. that's far, far too long.

it's amazing how this song always captures how i'm feeling.


I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu--jah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu---u---jah

IT CAN'T BE TIME FOR THIS YET!!!!

:-'(