and in the end, you will always go back to the people who were there for you from the beginning.

sometimes, the best things are remembering the other best things. spring break continued.

Saturday was escentially a day long celebration of the 17th anniversary of Bevin's birth. bowling party, then after i went home for a little while before Bevin came to our house so we could take her to LAGUNA GRILLE for her birthday. even though the one close to us closed, we took her to the one further away. we ran around the strip mall while we waited for a table and acted like complete goofs. it was fantastic. Sunday was Palm Sunday where i sung with my favorite choir, then we went out to my grandparents' house in Huntington for St. Patricks day. my mom made corned beef and cabbage for about 30 of us and with the other unGodly amounts of food that were there, i don't know if i've ever been so full. and i got to see ALEX!!!! who i missed beyond belief. we kind of sat in a corner and went in the basement and acted completely antisocial. but we caught up, and that was important.

over the course of the weekend, I learned that an old friend of my grandpa's, known to my mother as "Uncle" Edmond, had passed away. Sunday was the beginning of Holy Week but we had to fit a wake and a funeral into it. this did result in something good though: GINA came down on Monday and we spent pretty much the whole day together. my mother took us to Target and we bought Easter presents and then Gina and I had dinner at Friday's before the wake. Tuesday i kind of schleped around, then went to the mall and dinner with my Arielle. i hung out in the parking lot at school for a while, just to kill time. haha. but Ari and i had a really great night. Wednesday i had to be up early for the funeral, which was really touching actually. i went back to school and then had choir practice. Thursday was Holy Thursday. i got my nails done during the day then went to Mass and out with Jaclyn, her bf, and the rest of the Bialers afterward at La Pace :-) Good Friday--made Pizza Rustica of course. then Service, then we went out to Smithtown to celebrate Aunt Leeny's birthday at H20. kind of made my life.

i also failed to mention that on Thursday, i broke my phone. by letting it bounce across the driveway. oy. on Saturday my dad and i had a really great morning when we went to get my phone replaced. we had starbucks and actually had some really good talks. came back, i went and picked up Bevin, and we came back to my grandma's to color eggs :-) Bevin and i hugged like 20 times when i dropped her back at her house. got dressed, Easter Vigil--one of my favorites. out to late dinner. Sunday was Easter and we were up early so i could go back to Church because i had to sing again. met the rest of the crew for brunch then back to my grandma's where we ate pizza rustica and played Red Dog (some sort of poker.) back to Salve yesterday.

i'm feeling kind of mixed about being back. i don't want to get back to doing stupid work and deal with the awkwardness of a particular situation. i think i'm going to make believe that it's not all that awkward. every time i pack to come back to Salve, it feels like i'm going on vacation when i'm really, really not. for some reason, i really miss North Carolina and my Trishie and Joseph. i randomly asked my mother if we could go to North Carolina in May. she said prob August which i think i can handle. i just hope i can see my babies before then.

it comes down to reality, and it's fine with me cause i'll let it slide.

don't care if it's on chinatown or on riverside. i don't have any reasons, i've left them all behind. i'm in a New York state of mind.

ohhhh yes. i stressed out for all of monday and tuesday and came home on wednesday, and i'm here for another week and two days. amazing. my poor car must be ready to kill me because i've already overworked it. my dad had it detailed for me while i was at school!! i've gotten to see people and i was happy that i squeezed seeing Gauri in because our breaks don't overlap much. i ran out my poor car to huntington to go see her.

the biggest thing on everyone's mind is Eliot Sptizer, otherwise known as the Luv Guv or Love Client #9. LOL ;-) all kidding aside, he disgrased our state and our justice system as did many before him. the whole thing really upset my mom, enough that she wanted to sit in the TV room on the ferry on the way back from school. i fell asleep. i honestly just don't feel like being depressed. i'm so happy to feel like a big deal again. my bed likes having me in it and i'm too happy to be there to be depressed over anything. i actually watched one of Claire's veronica mars DVDs with my mom today and she really liked it. Bevin's having her birthday party tomorrow and i'm glad she's having it while i'm here! i made her a really kickass card...haha....

i hope i can go into the city next week. that would kinda make my life. and congrats to Dani's car, Stella, for making it out alive. :-)

don't stop believing <3

hold on to that feeling!!

i don't ever if i've ever been more emotional in my life than i have in the past 48 hours. by emotional, i meen displaying such a range of extreme emotions. fortunately, they went from sad to scared to relieved to scared again to happy and fun to scared again to just content then a little sad again, but eventually ending at thrilled beyond belief.

1) on Friday, i was more nervous than i had ever been in my life...since this is an actual post and not song lyrics i guess i should explain. that person who i keep referring to finally knows. and he doesn't feel the same way. so i just took it brilliantly and avoided him like the plague, for all of wednesday and thursday. if you go back to my post on Thursday, i recognize that i need to stop the pity party and make things right again. Friday was going to be the day. i woke up on Friday, ready to pull the sheet over my head because i was so not ready to face him. i walked around nervous the whole day, shaking with my heart beating out of my chest. i actually wished that i had a test on Friday because that would be easier than this. i had a stomachache and i sat in the bathroom trying to convince myself that i could do this, but eventually, after many phone calls to my mother and lots of pump-up songs, i decided that this was do or die time. and i did it. and we're friends. unfortunately, i haven't given up hope. but i'm so, so happy that he's not out of my life. we really do have a lot to talk about. more than anything i was relieved. the only experience that scared me more was actually going away to college.

2)on Friday night, i went to Prov with Rachel and Claire...and this was my first clubbing experience. yes, i know, 19 and never been to a club? well now that's changed. we went to Remi's, which was actually a lot of fun aside from the rain on the way there. the bus ride back, however, may have been one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life, complete with Roger Williams kids marching off the bus yelling "SALVE SUCKS!!" Rachel gave them a piece of her mind. i sat there praying. the icing on the cake was Dani picking us up at 2am after we couldn't get the cab company and after a really disturbing encounter. Oy.

3) on Saturday i took Dani out to lunch at Yesterday's to thank her for picking us up. we got her car, Stella, looked at and we went to wal-mart. i went back to Miley, expecting a movie night at 7:15 with Rachel, Claire, and K....but no, that was SO not what was happening. i had told Claire and Rachel that March would be a very important milestone for me and that Jamie wanted me to celebrate it. i didn't know that they were the ones doing all the planning! K and I took the shuttle down to Reefe and waited for Rachel to let us in.......and then we were greeted by Rachel, Claire, Megan, and Dani, all screaming. "We're taking you out to dinner!" they exclaimed. i had tears in my eyes...my friends rock my universe and everyone else's too. K had kept the secret from me, and Dani had kept it all day on Saturday. we went to the Red Parrot and i had the biggest ice cream sundae i'd ever seen in my life. afterward i went back to Rachels and we watched some veronica mars and chillaxed, then i spent 2 hours on the phone with Michelle.

i spent most of the day today reveling in the weekend. i am so, so lucky. and i can't ever give up hope again, even under the circumstances of unrequited love. and.......i'm going HOME in 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's time....

to make things right.

and now a little anecdote from my favorite musical.

Guess mine is not the first heart broken,
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know,
There's just no gettin' over you

I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see,
There's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him",
My heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end,
That's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
Hopelessly devoted to you

.................................................

you can't always get what you want

no, you can't always get what you want

you can't always get what you want

but if you try sometimes

you find

you get what you need..........???????


i promise myself that i won't wallow in self pity forever. i'm a strong person.

FINALLY ! ! ! !

February is OVER!

the worst month, ever, out of the entire twelve month year, is OVER. and i'm high on life except that i have to read a whole play, have a quiz on it, and have a psych test. all tomorrow. if it were just the psych test or just reading the play, i'd be semi okay with it. but this is ridiculous. actually, Dr. David is ridiculous...and yet i walk out of her class loving her and not thinking that she's ridiculous. Sundays, in general, kind of make me want to just stay in bed until i have to go to Mass. i had so much fun with Gauri this weekend and when i went back to Newport last night, we saw a sign in the bus station in Boston that was for the bus to New York. We almost got on it and skipped classes for the rest of the week.

oh, how i wish. and yet, i don't, because something that is full of awesomeness is in the process of happening. and it's taking place here. and yet it has the potential not to take place here. i kind of can't contain myself about it.

'you have stolen my heart'