1am...and a poem. big surprise.

if i get one more chance
to make the leap of faith
to tell you how i feel
and scream it to the world
are you going to be back
as a regular fixture in my daily life
because it's fate
or coincidence?
if i get one more chance
to let me love you
are you just going
to push it away again
and not let our chemistry matter?
are you worth my hopes?
are you worth my fears?
are you worth my dreams?
are you worth me
going over and over in my head
how i'll say something so simple
as 'hello'
or should you be going stir-crazy
over the first time that you'll see me again?
are you worth the leap of faith
that i'm prepared to make
just to be with you
provided that time
stays on our side
and maybe you won't leave....
just yet?
would you make the same leap for me?

identity crisis

i'm a lot deeper than a lot of people know.

i love all that girly crap, i really do, but i love being original too. i make sure that i never look like anybody else and i'm really, really emo and you wouldn't know that by looking at me. i'm a romantic FOOL sometimes and i get pissed off easily. i love being the center of attention and standing out. i love being in charge and i love helping people. i think humility is overrated but only if you have a reason to not be humble. i may not be humble but i'm not easy on myself at all. i'm really a freak if you think about it.

sometimes i want to try things that are so out of character for me just to see the reactions. is that...odd?

so confused. again.

i guess i'll never be the perfect child
no matter how much i try
no matter how many times i convince myself
that i can.
i guess there will always be that part of me
that's never quite right
that can't just go overlooked
that just gets picked on
and it will never go away.
i can't change it
even if i correct it
no matter how many things
i do right.
can't everything that's right
cancel out everything that's wrong?
isn't there more of that?
did i actually do anything right
or am i more than just a waste of space?
am i delusional?

weekend of my life

kudos to The Weekend Of My Life. Shivaun's party was fab, it really was. i didn't even feel like a jerk because i wouldn't play beer pong because i wasn't the only one not playing. i got hit on (haah, joy) but it was actually kind of hysterical. we hated on Shane for not showing up (BOO SHANE!)

my day in NYC with Gina was also fab. and spending the whole weekend with the Barones was just awesome. since i got paid this week, i spent $$ like a crazy person who really couldn't afford to, but i didn't care. i went to a psychic at the street fair outside Bliss Spa (where Gina had a foot massage from a flaming dude named Edwin.) and for $10 she wasn't bad. she told me that a lot of people take advantage of me. and that i won't be fat forever (ok, she was extremely encouraging). i bought this awesome tissue box cover that has a pic of a NY liscense plate on the top that reads AH-CHOO, with a whole in the C in CHOO for the tissues to come through. it's so quirky. I LOVE IT.

we hung out at my house on Saturday night and ordered food from Sergio's. and then i overthought, but what makes that different from any other day.

my parents went to this awesome wedding on Sunday while i was at Shiv's party. it was on a rooftop in SoHo and they said they want to have my wedding there. i want to get married at Salve, but i'll take that for a second choice. we hung out at the pool at the Barones' condo today, then went out to eat with my parents.

no work again tomorrow!! but work was really pretty good last week. Suzanne, the agent, livens up the whole office. she sends Margaret and I into stitches and we even have a running bet (which i'm WINNING) and it's awesome. i saw a lot of people this week (and i don't ever think i wrote about the John Mayer concert!!! where Bevin and i got SOAKED, but forgive me if i already did) and my social life is truly a blast. but i'll admit it's also exhausting.

people i need to see this week: Gauri (who is finally back from her worldly adventures), Marissa (who is back from her camp in DISNEY), and i'm seeing Bevin tomorrow. i need to see Allie before she goes to Italy too!!!!

other events in my social life: went to Barefoot Peddler with Michelle and Laura last week to see James. hung out with Michelle in Great Neck until 11ish afterward. saw Gemma on Thursday and hung at Starbucks forever. saw Anna and went to Uncle Dai's. went to SUMMER STOCK REHEARSAL last tuesday which was awesome because i got Erica mostly to myself.

I MISS SALVE LOVES! but i still stand that everyone should be in one place.

late night poet strikes again

It was as though no one else in the world existed.
They looked at one another
Wordless for once
In awe of each other
The moments they’d shared
And the people who they’d become together.
They weren’t ready to part
(How was it time already?)
Back to reality
To their own separate lives
Away from each other
And all that they’d shared.
They just stared
And stared
And stared
Until they broke the silence
With a goodbye embrace
And it was back to business as usual.

what i know now

i never knew that i'd end up with this life. i never knew that i'd have a social life away from my parents. i never knew that i'd be so fat....wait, i'm trying to keep this positive. i never knew that i'd actually survive my freshman year of college. i never knew that i'd meet some of the most amazing people ever at said college. i never knew that i'd be a music major. i never knew that i was going to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. i never knew that i'd have friends (from college) who lived in Connecticut, Massachusetts, and even as far away as Indiana (yay Rachel!). i never knew that i'd have friends and cousins in North Carolina. i never knew that i'd actually go to a club without freaking. i never knew that it was possible to enjoy your life even if you didn't like yourself. i never knew that i'd have a real job and be good at said real job. i never knew that i'd be one to talk on the phone until midnight.

because of all this, i can't stop believing that the stuff that isn't right won't work itself out (i.e. dramas, and being fat) God is there.

i also never knew that my mom would have her reality show debut before i would!

college survey

YOUR FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE...


Where did you live? Old Miley

Who was/were your roommate(s)? Kaoru

Do you still talk to them? yes! we're living together again next year

Ever get in trouble in the dorms? unreasonably and unjustifibaly.

Something you remember about when you first lived on campus? when the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night because someone's guest pulled the fire extinguisher out of the wall.

Your campus phone number or other number: um, yeah, like I'd give that to you.

First bar you got wasted at? not for me, thanks

Favorite Pizza Place? Via Via i guess

Favorite place to go out to eat? Panera, Brick Alley, Red Parrot

Did you go to the library? not a lot

What was your Favorite Floor: none really

Club, Athletics, Frat or Sororities, you joined? campus ministry, University Chorus, Madrigals, and i was in the play

Where did you buy your books? The Bookstore

Who made the best wings? didn't have wings

Ever attend a concert or comedic performance? Jack's Mannequin came

Have you ever spent the night on campus not in your dorm hall? almost

Favorite night to go out on, and where did you go? Friday or Saturday, went to town, Starbucks, out to eat, and to Prov

Where did you get coffee? JAZZMAN'S

Go see a play or been in one? in Maccers, saw Mousetrap and Hay Fever

Did you ever have a job at school? nope

What do you hate about your college? my RA, my floor, some of the food, and 8:30 classes

What did you love most about it? my friends <3 and a certain member of the opposite sex.

Ever leave to go on a road trip? to Dani's house on February break and my mom picked me up there; went to visit Gauri in Boston

Where would you believe is the best location to live in? prob Hunt/Reefe

Graduated or still attending? still attending.

Year of graduation? 2011

Will you go back? yes!

How many parking tickets have you gotten there? none, no car yet

Finally, ever gotten arrested? nope.

different sort of poem

I NEED AN IDEA.
something that i put my all into.
my excuse for never having enough time.
that gets me ready to wake up in the morning
and eats away at my sleep at night.
that distracts me while i'm driving
that people get tired of hearing about
that my appointments get scheduled around
that i just
can't
stop
thinking
about.
at home
at work
that makes me drop my food when eating
and trip down the street when walking
and doesn't let me go to the bathroom....in peace.
that doesn't ever leave me alone.
that becomes so big that i need to call in backup.
that distracts me from the weather
that keeps me away from the real world.
that saps away at my boundless energy.
now that's the kind of idea i'm looking for.

SO confused!

i officially didn't get what i came for. my mission of yesterday failed. it really doesn't matter all that much, except for that both dumb, nosy missions like yesterday's, and real, honest missions, like i don't know, GREASE, have been failing. i like something is missing in my life. yet i'm happy, truly happy. i'm always tired, but that doesn't make life very different than it usually is. it's not my social life. i have the social life that i always wished i had. it's not my parents, to who i expressed how i was worried that i was disconnecting from them. we had our mental health day on 4th of july that we've all been needing. it's not even the players involved in yesterday's mission. it's...."you." and actually, it's not just....."you." it's not like we don't talk. it's my lack of a project!! i know i sound like a broken record. should i just sit back and enjoy myself, let everyone else plan projects for me? i've gone back a couple of summers and i've realized that i've had a project for most of those, what with camp counseling and being in summerstock. no wonder i never feel like i'm on vacation...but that's what i like. the office was so busy today in the morning...and i LOVED it. i felt so...empowered. the phone kept ringing, Margaret kept firing stuff at me to do, and customers kept showing up to pay bills. i didn't just feel empowered...i felt resourceful. i decided that i like Studying Under Pressure, despite how crazy i get. i feel, well, empowered and resourceful. (EDIT: couldn't think of any more adjectives.)

for everyone who is waiting for me to Burn Out....you can leave the theatre now. put down your popcorn. get a refund for this flick. it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

back in business.

i'd like to be an official event planner. anyone who would like to have me plan their event for them for a small fee would be welcomed. and i probably wouldn't charge anyone who actually reads this.

work was a million times better today. and i got the weekend of my life all straightened out and all systems are pretty much go. just a few things that have to be worked out. SO excited for lots of things this month (BRUCE CONCERT WITH ZE WIFEY, NYC gathering, The Weekend Of My Life, Myeloma benefit, and hopefully fireworks at Piping on Sunday provided we can get in).

i don't know why, but my unhealthy obsession with putting on shows/being in shows has caused me to not be the same since Grease died. i can't listen to Grease music anymore. it's my favorite show. it's one of my unhealthy obsessions. and i can't even listen to the Taylor Hicks radio commercial without feeling emotional. it's just a show. i should be over it. but i can't even remove it from my work info on Facebook.

other things and people i have Unhealthy Obsessions with (look out.):
starbucks.
Achmed the Dead Terrorist.
Facebook.
taking pictures.
my friends.
my car/driving.
chocolate mousse.
the Yankees.
teachers.
clothes/purses/SHOES.
lots and lots of music.
listening to music.
singing.
music analyzing.
other people's personal situation analyzing.
GREASE. ( :-( )
SUMMER STOCK.
learning institutions.
good Churchly things.
random facts/pop culture.
US HISTORY FACTS.
apparently, the sex and the city movie, which i never thought i'd like.
any book that i get extremely engrossed in.
CHRISTMAS.
politics.
long island.
newport.
being fabulous.
the flavor of love girls charm school.
ocean's eleven.
talking to sexy men who i've never met and will never see again. ever.
event planning.
acting.
small children.
fascinating adults.
restaurants.
good hippie things.
bragging that being Republican doesn't mean Anti-Peace...and wearing my peace sign earrings.
being a tacky Eighties Lady at heart.
WALT DISNEY WORLD. DUH.
being "out."
being on the written or unwritten VIP list.
running into people and being mauled out of happiness.
HUGS.
and the obvious, HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE. HOUSE. (which i can now pre-order on Amazon.com)

60 days to salve. yes, i counted.

no, seriously. i really did.



1) i get to see my Wifey on the last day of THIS MONTH. SQUEE!

2) Bevin aced the SATs the second time around!!!!

3) Ari and Joe graduated :-)

4) my job has been a hassle this week. *sigh* i'm a workaholic. and that's not good. i'm always tired. i'm always running to hang out with people and then i come home and talk to other people. i've waited a long time to have an amazing social life. this is what i've always wanted. i didn't count on always being tired. Margaret and i joke about me staying home. when i do stay home, we say that i've "thrown my parents a bone." i never thought that i'd be so quick to ditch my parents. am i...actually becoming a grown-up? are they letting go? this is all new. i don't know what's happening. and the worst part? i'm still going to do it! i'm still going to go out and talk on the phone and on AIM. i'm scared that i'm going to lose my parents and the relationship i have with them in the process.

5) another late night poem.

i know i've got it bad
because i keep listening for your voice
in my head
and while i can hear everyone's voice
as clear as day...
i can't hear yours.
you've become a picture
words on a screen
that stand in place
for the whole you.
you're not here.
not with me.
far....far.....away.
separated by over a hundred miles.
and it seems like much further.