what to do??

i was prepared
i was ready
i was all set
give me another synonym...you get my drift.

but a lot can happen in a short amount of time
and all of that preparation
went to waste
and now when i need it...it came on too quickly.

what are we now?
where do we stand?
is it time for goodbye
all over again?

i can't think straight
my head spins in circles
as i sit here and wait
for an answer.

another crazy weekend!

i just realized that i never commented on the House episode, or on HSM3! both were amazing. finally Cuddy gets what she's been wanting and House had to be an ass about it..but next week's preview looks exciting *ahhh*

on Friday Nicole and I went to see HSM3! and we both cried. wow. dorks much? but we really had an awesome afternoon...chasing the RIPTA and playing the video games at the movie theatre. and i got a kid combo box..just because it had HSM characters on it!! came back, wound up talking on the phone forever, and got ready for the halloween dance. which was all and all a good night. sometimes i try too hard to re-create things that happened once before..but i have to remember that not all halloween dances are created equal. it's hard going to things like that as a 'floater' because you want to make sure you see everyone that you're friends with..and you have to fight through massive mosh-pit type crowds to find everyone. and i massively missed Erinne and Ryan and Danny...because they were at all the dances last year and i just felt like there was something missing.

and because i couldn't just go to bed when i got back...i promptly overslept the next morning and i had to be up at 5:30 for the VIA trip to NYC. i didnt hear my phone. wow. that is, i didn't hear it until Alli called at 6:21 and we had to be there at 6:15. i got my workout for day b/c i ran part of the way to Rodgers, where the bus was waiting. but lo and behold, i made it. Alli and i wanted to get the museum assignment done early because my parents came and took us out to lunch!!! and they brought Fagin, which made for some extra entertainment. we wound up eating at Fiorello's, so Fagin could be comfortable outside someplace...even though at some point he was propped on a seat, begging and almost eating the paper off the complimentary corn muffin.

we didn't get back from NYC until 9, and then i ran to get my costume on and Claire took me over to Shivaun's, for her halloween party. party only went until 11, as Shivaun had to go to work.

i had hoped for this to be the weekend...especially since so many hints were dropped. i had no reason to be hurt because it wasn't like i was ditched. and yet i was left going to bed last night questioning whether "this" is worth it anymore. i know i'll hold on because that's what i do...but at some point i need to give it up.
i didn't, however, let it ruin my weekend!! go me!

one year later <3

so i know that i do my best thinking in the shower. and this was just too good to not write.

the halloween dance is in two hours-ish and i feel like last year's halloween dance was...erm, yesterday. that led me to thinking about the past year...and actually, a little bit before that.

i'm a SOPHOMORE in college. good grief. a sophomore means, at least at Salve, bringing your car on campus or in my case bumming rides off my friends who didn't have cars last year. it means getting to live in mansion dorms or in cottage dorms and not stupid Miley. it means that you know the trolley schedule by heart and know the bus routes. it means that you have a better chance of being an officer or a leader in a club because you've been at it for a year already. it means thinking about studying abroad. it means no more NSS. it means deciding who you want to live with instead of who you're assigned to live with. it means that you realize that about half of your class is noticably absent...as lots of people transfer after their freshman year. it means that you can be a mentor or an RA. but most of all, it means...you're not new here anymore.

you go past the trolley stop on friday afternoons and see about a dozen freshmen, at any given time, with their bags packed. and you remember when that was you...homesick, missing your friends from home, wondering if it will ever be the same again. you see their naive faces walking around town, having no idea where the hell they're going. they usually travel in gaggles and you know that they've made real friends when the group reduces to just two or three instead of eight or nine. and then, you, the sophomore, the 'upper classman' now, hears someone scream your name and it fills your heart. you pray for that freshman because their day will come.

you also understand their pleas because one thing about college is that you're always missing someone. when you're at school, you miss your family and your friends at home. when you're at home, you miss your friends at school. and wherever your significant other is, you miss him or her whenever you're not in the place that he is. if he/she's from home, he/she comes to visit you at school on the weekends, and if he/she's from school, he/she comes home with you for a weekend and then you go to his/her place for another. but one thing that's good about it is that missing people forces you to keep in touch with them. thank the good Lord for Facebook...because sometimes you just don't have time for a long chat on the phone, whether you're at school and you just give a quick Hi! to a friend from home, or vice versa when you're at home. because there is time for that.

but one thing that you don't come to realize until after the summer between your freshman and sophomore years is that in both cases...if you're as good of friends as you say you are, you just pick up where you left off. when you go home in May, you are out so much that first week that you barely sleep. there could be a drama going on with your friends from home and while you might hate drama, you're so happy just to be in the loop. when you go back to school in September, there is no breathing that first weekend back. you've all missed each other too much...you survived your freshman year together, how could you not love each other? and in my own case it's not just the people in my own year...it's my upper classman friends, and i love making friends with new freshmen. provided that no one lives too far away, you can visit friends from home at other schools, and your school friends can visit over the summer. or you can visit them. but when you're a freshman, you get scared that it won't be that way anymore...and then, when you go home for such a long time like the summer is, your relief is contageous.

essentially, you come to realize how lucky you are to have people who love you, wherever you go, no matter where you are. gone temporarily does not mean gone forever. your freshman angst is over. and that's what being a sophomore is all about.

a prayer.

Dear Lord,

I'm not sure if You read blogs...but since You are everywhere and omnipotent, I'm assuming You'll see this.

There are many people in my life right now who are in need of your care.
My roomate just lost her grandmother, had to return to Japan for a total of three days for the funeral, got jet lagged, was struggling in her course work to begin with and is now behind as a result of being away, and her father just lost his job. She never seems happy anymore, but I wouldn't be either.

One of my best friends at college was just told that she was nothing more than a "booty call" by someone she was close to for a long time.

One of my best friends from home is here, in the US, at college, while her parents are overseas in India and her grandmother is very ill. She just traveled to Maryland to see her grandmother in the hospital and help care for her younger cousins. She was so tired today that she skipped class.

A friend here at college (or more than a friend? I don't know...) has been struggling to look for a job since he graduated college over a year and a half ago. He feels worthless and depressed, and his parents are not helping the situation.

Another one of my best friends at college was just told by her boyfriend that she may have anxiety disorder. She is struggling with the idea of entering therapy.

One of my best friends from home is at college in California. She is a junior now and still has not adjusted to living away from home. She is perpetually unsure of herself and thinks twice about everything without realizing her own goodness.

One of my best friends from home who I consider a sister is trying to balance being a senior, having her mother fall out of her wheelchair, and with her depressive tendencies. Her ex significant other is dating one of her good friends at school and their relationship is being waved in her face every day.

From what Facebook tells me, there were two other heartbreaks that I don't even know the stories yet because I've been so busy with my own life that I haven't had the time to contact them.

PLEASE HELP THEM ALL. I know you are watching over all of us, and I know that not all of believe in your existance, but please help to make all of their lives easier. And lastly, please help me to help them while staying on top of everything in my own busy life.

AMEN.

i'm still standing, better than i ever did

flashback to last week...to HOME, which was awesome. i got to see a lot of people who i missed. Bevin and i went to see Nick and Norah's Infinate Playlist which i'm so getting on DVD when it comes out. my manicure actually lasted this whole week. i got to go to Church at home. found a halloween costume. family event for Grandpa Jake's 80th birthday was also awesome...especially the 11:30 pm Wendy's trip...LOL. i played guitar hero with Jaclyn and i drove my car to starbucks every day. i sometimes wish i always had that life where i had no responsibilities...but then knowing me, i'd get bored.

came back to Salve and it was like everything hit me at once. in three days i had two quizzes and a test. but i got a 96 on my philosophy essay, and my science professor decided to do something nice for once. apparently we get 20 points added to our test score if we make up 20 questions. sweet deal. but tuesday and thursday were just rough, and everyone around me seems to be falling apart, which makes me fall apart. and i'm so, so, so happy that it's FRIDAY. i feel like i haven't slept in forever.

Claire's birthday celebration tonight :-D still have to get her present...way to be, Gracie, really!

and...FREAKING RED SOX. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. why couldn't the Yankees do that? WHY?

i'm too excited to study!

I'M GOING HOME TO NEWWWW YAWK TOMORROW!!!!!

and i can't wait. legit. i haven't been home yet and i've seen my parents once...and while i'm excited to see them i have a laundry list of people i have to see. at this time last year i already went home once and probably saw my parents twice.

i do have a stupid earth science test tomorrow...i poured out my troubles in that class to Sr. Marta, who might be the most understanding and sympathetic professor ever. i also told Dr. Lawber, who just laughed and said how much he would like to say on the subject. i HEART Dr. Lawber and Sr. Marta. actually, i heart every professor except one. Dr. Sylvia is interesting and really knows her stuff. Dr. Lawber goes without saying. Sr. Marta appreciates how hard i work and how much i have to do! and Dr. Hersh is so, so funny, so entertaining, so knowledgable, and also appreciates how interested i am in the material.

but it's been quite the busy week. Kaoru had to go back to Japan for a death in her family and we (me, her, Greg, Glynnis, and Glynnis' roomate Erin) were up at 4:30 am to get her to the airport in Providence...and last night i had to help set up for the campus min BBQ, have three hours of chorus, and go to my first SGA meeting which was actually really cool and interesting...I HAVE A PLAQUE THAT I RAISE WHEN I HAVE A QUESTION! we get to vote on everything and i have to get used to being called "Senator Donaldson." but don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME. it runs like a real senate. we took this crazy personality test to show our leadership skills and mine came out so accurate that it was scary. then today i had to go to Newport Police to get fingerprinted for Positive Role Models, and Terin and i managed to go to Dunkin afterward, and before our 10:30 classes. had class/lunch/more class, had a meeting with Anna Mae about retreat music (I'M CANTORING THE RETREAT...YAYYYY) and then promptly threw in Anchorman and slept through most of it...for 2 1/2 hours. way to go, Gracie.

i still have to pack...and study...but I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO SEE EVERYONE and to go to NEW YORK CITY!!!!! *squee*

everything you do
makes me feel so alive
and so confused
at the same time.
i can read your mind
but i can't read your heart.
i don't know where you want this to go
i can't figure out how you feel
all i know for sure
is everything that i feel for you.
you frustrate me
get me all worked up
so hard to read!
yet you make me laugh so hard
that my sides ache with joy.
and that reminds me
of just how much
i want to be with you
forever and for always.

WOW. :-D

and THAT, ladies and gentleman, may have been one of the best nights OF MY LIFE.

granted, there have been many of those. but this one will be added to the list. all of the drama of the week just seems so insignificant now. and it should stay that way because i don't care anymore (at least about the blame that got thrown at me...funny...).

technically, it started last night, when chorus ended and i had my little campaign party at Sky Ranch while we waited for the fated phone call to come which said whether or not i was a SGA senator. Ben, Sara, and i came over right from chorus and we were eventually joined by Ann and Whit (who left because Ann was so sick...aw), Jenn, Natalya and her friend, this girl Erika who was in chorus and i never met but i LOVED, Nicole V., Rachel V. coming in and out, and Megan (with Shane circulating around and making annoying remarks about How The SGA Does Nothing...oh dear...). we ate and watched House, then switched to the vice presidential debate and when we got tired of that...more House (it was, after all, my night).

i practically hyperventilated at 10:30 and there was still no call and a million and one people texting me asking what happened. we left skranch so we wouldn't bother Shirley anymore, but we hung out in the Miley lobby until the call FINALLY came at
10:55...to tell me that i was an SGA SENATOR!! (yea..you prob heard us scream all the way from Miley). i was on the phone and AIM for prob an hour and a half, just spreading the news. i called Uncle Vin at 11:15...and he didn't care!

today started out with a whole bunch of hugs and congrats. my dad told Margaret all about the election and she emailed me to say congratulations :-) after econ i had lunch with Wifey, then Sara came and sat and then Nicole V. showed up and we were legit eating in Miley for an hour and fifteen. it was awesome. then i ran into Glynnis and pretty much spilled the drama of yesterday (that i heard from three different sources) to her. after we compared stories in skranch for a bit it was on to the next stage of the day...

Claire and i were going to Holy Smokes for her to get her cartilage pierced and for ME TO GET MY TRAGUS PIERCED!!!! AHHHH!!!! and Claire handled it like a pro..despite how nervous she was. i know how much blood is in your tragus...as out of nowhere my ear started bleeding after it was all done. but still, despite more pain than i intended for, a whopping $45, and blood on the seat belt in Claire's car...it looks AWESOME. came back to Salve, made more phone calls about the election, and went to Glynnis' dorm to go to Brick Alley for dinner. it wound up being me, Glynnis, Megan, Claire, and Claire's roomate Jenna, so we all fit in Glynnis' car. we didn't wind up going to The Brick due to the forty minute wait so i got to experience my third friday night in a row at the Red Parrot. but it didn't matter...it was still awesome. Glynnis just kept cracking us up and we ate so much dessert that we couldn't finish it...that's how big the desserts are at the Red Parrot. we got to experience Glynnis trying to parallel park with poor Megan directing her...and how city girls don't belong in the woods. Megan gave me this sweet little card for winning the elections, which is now hanging in my dorm. when we walked back to the car i started bitching about the long walk and apparently i'm from NY so i should be used to it...then Glynnis started doing the "tush and ankles" routine which was effing amazing. we went to Stop and Shop then drove back to Salve with "Walk It Out" blasting out the windows. we rock. end of story.

next stage of the evening...threw laundry in the machine, hung with Kalyna in her room while i waited for it, went down to Miley to give Shane his bday gift b/c his bday is on Sunday. we moped around and Dani was working in Miley Mart so we made faces at each other threw the windows (in true Wifey fashion..haha) i got a mini-tour of the back of skranch which smelled so badly that i almost gagged. and i noticed how Shane's intake sheet has "Sugar Sugar" programmed into the computer to read that, every time. i think i laughed about that for a good twenty minutes...we bummed around Miley Mart with Dani for another good fifteen minutes and Shane opened his gift, then he took me back to Young and we yelled at stupid people, the whole three minutes it took to get here.

i really should go to bed! i have a SGA retreat at 9am. shit...but i'm just way too happy and high on life!!!!