faith, trust, and...well, maybe we don't need pixie dust.

WOW. TWO DAYS UPDATING IN A ROW. I'M ON A ROLL.
or maybe i'm just procrastinating REALLY badly.

Sometimes people show up in our lives to teach us something....or, to show us that there is still reason to believe in somthing. Case specifically, that not everyone is the same. Not everyone that you trust instantaneously is going to wind up stabbing you in the back. You CAN let your guard down. It's OKAY. You're SAFE. Maybe I don't have to hate the entire human race just because of the poor dealings of a few people. Maybe people are basically good.

I saw this quote once on a facebook bumper sticker, of all places; it said something along the lines of how 'she's so afraid to hold on to anyone, because anyone who said that they'll never leave....left.' I know how that feels. I realized that I live in fear of being abandoned by people who mean something to me. But I don't have to be afraid. They're not going anywhere.

Not to say that I'll never be hurt again. Because I will be. I'm only TWENTY years old and I have a lifetime ahead of me to meet and lose people. But maybe, just maybe, I can learn to trust more than I ever have. Also not to say that I'll change overnight. Because I won't.

...but just one reassuring voice, telling me that they're not going anywhere, when I didn't even have to say anything first, may mean more to me than it does to most people. The voice in my head that screamed "LIAR" actually shut up and the tears of separation sadness did not fall.

All I have to do is TRUST.

the best problem to have

I did not update this for the entire month of August....

...mainly because I was having too much of a blast. This has been one of the best summers OF MY LIFE. especially since it started out with me in such a rut.

And now I have the age old problem....idontwanttogobackbutiwanttostayherebutimissmyfriendsandiwanttogobacksoWHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE IN ONE PLACE?

yeah. same old thing. now I just laugh at it. but what's different is that last summer, I did not have NEW friends which I was so not expecting. whenever I say that I don't need new friends, tell me to shut up. because I was so pleasantly surprised to see what doors new friends can open up for me. more memories, more adventures, more that I'd ever IMAGINED. and not like the old friends were just gone...because they weren't. not to mention that I even got to see my Salve loves because I took multiple road trips!

I am so, so blessed.

Dear Summer 09:

In spite of having royally sucked in the beginning, you have massively turned things around for me and I can't thank you enough for that.

I AM HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE.


love,
Gracie

*walks off singing Havin' a Hunch*

lazy lazy lazy!

lack of updating is unacceptable. LOL

so...i am no longer lost. after being mopey all through June, i decided about two weeks ago that i still have a lot of summer to look forward to. i am not even half way through yet. i have been on summer break for fifty two days and i have sixty days until i go back to Salve. two weeks ago i was wishing for that to get here sooner. now i am happy to be here again.

i felt for a bit like my social life was non-existant due to my participation in Seussical. but...i just have to reach out more. i just have to balance it all. i'm not working every day. i can manage it.

so....a few highlights from the summer, so far:

* florida trip with the other family. awesomeness.
* going to DSW with Sam and putting up old JCC pics
* helping Frank get his theatre company up and running again
* meeting Elizabeth and Jessica at work
* when K came to visit and me and her and Bevin washed Sparky and then went to the fair
* that epic diner night with Frank and Sam
* spending two days at the Greek Festival with Bevin and Michelle
* Father's Day and Riley's Birthday
* adventures with Gauri!!
* aimless driving with Sam until crazy hours of the morning
* visiting the JCC!!!!
* going to see Rock of Ages with Glynnis!!!!
* Bevin's Grad Weekend!
* MARYLAND AND DC TRIP!!!!!! with the cousins
* yesterday, at work...getting rosary beads that were BLESSED BY THE POPE from Suzanne :-)
* having deep convos with Elizabeth when we're supposed to be doing work
* Alex's shower
* celebrating Alex's birthday and graduation from nursing school
* seeing choir peoples
* discovering Glee, which unfortunately doesn't start until September
* working through a few things...but not letting that bother me.
* getting my new camera and a lot of new stuffffff
* the usual routine with Allie and Ari
* actually going to the gym
* and nothing like a surprise dinner with the rents at La Pace.

and....stuff i'm massively looking forward to:


* Ann's grad party and spending this sunday at my WIFEY'S!!!!
* more great Seussical rehearsals, like tonight's.
* hell week/show week/cast party
* GOING TO RHODE ISLAND IN NINE DAYS AND STAYING AT ALLI'S!!!!!! love love love
* my Silpada jewelry party, this Friday
* State Farm Staff Appreciation Dinner
* seeing my faves in the summerstock show and the afterparties ^_^
* choir party, hopefully
* hopefully going to Raleigh to see cousins again
* hopefully meeting two very special newborns :-)
* JOURNEY CONCERT in August!!!!! i may just drool and cry at the sight of Steve Perry.

all i can say is.....



this is SO NOT LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!!

not this again...

i can't hang on anymore
to what i thought we had.

i float on through the everyday charade
but my head explodes with hurt.

now i'm far from where you are
but even when i was near
you never came.

do you regret it now?
do you miss me when i'm gone?
do you even give a shit?
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
it's almost as though i don't know you anymore...or maybe i never really did.

it takes a rare breed
to drive me to this level
of what feels like insanity

i'm too tired to sleep
i'm too drained to think anymore
my mind plays like a broken record on auto-pilot
and i'm just in my own fog.

but maybe the end of this
is the most sane deed
that i will ever do.

home sweet home?

i don't remember the last time i felt so lost.

i mean, it's not even like i'm not happy. and when i'm with my friends, i'm happy. i've been seeing people all week who i have not seen in FOREVER and it's been AWESOME. they distract me from what i'm really thinking about.

but when i'm by myself i go into these deep thinking modes and i pull out old pictures and think about who i used to be. i guess being home reminds me of that person. i saw a lot of my old jewelry tonight and i remembered where i wore certain jewelry. it was so, so weird and i felt old.

i just found a crapload of pics from junior and senior year mostly and it's so strange to think about how long ago that was.

i miss my Salve loves SO SO SO much, more than i did last summer. i'm on AIM almost every night just to talk to them. but i'm seeing Glynnis on Sunday! YAY!!!!

and what i really want to talk about......i can't.

when is IT going to go away? when will i stop reminiscing? when will the feelings pass? and then i hear "Don't Stop Believing..."

.....and i am WAY confused.

i've never felt this way before!

so, all throughout high school, people used to cry about the seniors leaving and how different it would be and how much they would miss them. i never really understood, save for when Gemma graduated. But never before have I felt so close to a senior class until this year.

Commencement Ball is tonight and is in progress right now. I was just over at Ann's and saw her and Steph and Whit and Terin all dressed up, then went to Dani's and saw her and Meghan and Steph and the whole crew all dressed up. then I went and drove Erinne and Bryan down to commencement ball and got to snoop in the front window of the Newport Marriott to see everyone in their dresses!

I feel so nostalagic...it doesn't help that Erinne and Ryan are both here and I haven't seen them in so long. it feels like people are back together again and I LOVE that feeling. I keep seeing my seniors and just feeling so proud of them, so proud to be their friend, and so happy that they wanted me there to take pictures and hug them before going off to the ball. I wish I was going too...but I'll have my chance. I never understood the hype with Prom (though I did have a great time at mine) but this feels different. This feels special.

on the other hand...

NO MORE SCHOOL!

NO MORE STRESS!

NO MORE DEADLINES!

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

:-(

tomorrow's and Saturday's agenda:

-theory final at 10:45.
-random burst of happiness because finals are done.
-let the sadness commence.
-say good-bye to Claire and Kerrin.
-sell my books back.
-last TB sandwich at Sky Ranch/last meal at Sky Ranch ever/say good-bye to Shane.
-help Glynnis move out.
-do nothing. blech.
-go to bed.
-wake up on Saturday. good-bye breakfast with Ben.
-go to Providence with Alli...and then say good-bye to her.
-cry.

this is so damned depressing.

I should shut up already. It's a good problem to have.

at this point, it's an identity crisis.

no I'm being completely serious.

I am listening to 'New York, New York' right now, trying to get excited. Earlier today I was excited. Later on I was depressed. Then I wrote on Home People's walls because I am so excited to see them. Then I told Salve people how much I'm going to miss them. I got a text from Chelsea saying how much she missed me already. It made me tear up a little. Once I get there, I'll be golden. I won't have time to be upset. I'll be going to Florida with Jaclyn three days after I get back.

but still....UGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I hate how emotional I have to get about good-byes. I hugged Nicole for almost a solid minute on Sunday night. She's gone tomorrow too. And I'm dreading having to say good-bye to Glynnis and Claire and Alli and Kerrin and Laura and Ben and Jenn and K and Sr. Marta and obvs my seniors and obvs...the obvious. *cries*

yet...I know there will be some jumping and screaming and hugging when I see my Grandma and my dog and Bevin and Gauri and Allie and Ari and Michelle and Sam and Laura and Frank and Gina and Joe and all of the JCC-ers and Haley and Gemma and Margaret and Suzanne and Uncle Joe and Alex and Jaclyn and Beth and other people i'm forgetting slash other people who i usually tend to see only during the summer, but it's great nonetheless. just writing all of that out makes me excited. I haven't seen Allie since DECEMBER and Ari and Michelle since JANUARY. that's far, far too long.

it's amazing how this song always captures how i'm feeling.


I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you? (and)
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah

Maybe there's a God above, and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
And its not a cry you can hear at night, its not somebody who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu--jah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu---u---jah

IT CAN'T BE TIME FOR THIS YET!!!!

:-'(

April 29th? HOW?

First, a compilation of highlights of Sophomore Year.









hmm. what do i have to cover...

1) House! OMG! Why does House keep hallucinating Amber? And I am so happy to see that he actually has a heart about Kutner's death.

2) a brief convo:

Me: you know that quiz that I was all worried about? Well, I got a 100.
My Father: Don't take this the wrong way...but you can be a real jerk sometimes!

BAHAHAHAHAHA

3) the obvious.
it's the end of the semester. It's bittersweet, I guess. I had my last VIA class, last Religious History of Newport class, last SGA meeting, etc. My recital was today. I am so relieved that it's over and also that I'm DONE with journal entries and presentations and quizzes in VIA...LOL

But, if it's at all possible, I'm already starting to miss...
OD runs. Ma's/McDonalds/the usual haunts. Team Sparky and Team Team. mentoring. lengthy arguements with Shane. weekly Miley lunches with Nicole and Ben. Campus Min meetings and events. FATHER TOM. in-depth support sessions with Marie. going to dinner at Ann's and Whit's and having the most amazing game nights and convos. going to shows and concerts. "studying" and random outings with Chelsea in the middle of the afternoon. chinese food nights and being forced to watch Desperate Housewives with Sara. my fabulous birthday party (though that was a while ago)with the most epic game of Apples to Apples. being on Awesomesauce with Minerva and The Boss on Thursday nights. intense discussions in VIA. and a whole lot more that i'm forgetting.

I am so excited for summer...for the besties, for my job, for possibly being in a musical, for the DINER of course, and for my own comfy bed. I am so NOT READY for this semester to be over. Therefore, it is indeed bittersweet.

Let's recap how many good-byes I'm making...or let's not. Probably better that way.

it's about time that it hit me....

well, that just hit me like a ton of bricks.


can we put off May 17th for as long as humanly possible?

PLEASE??!!!!!!

can we just pretend that it isn't happening?

and at the same time, I'm going to be so proud.

I guess it's bittersweet...but holy crap, so many memories.

And while I've become really good at the whole keeping in touch thing...but there is something to be said for someone being next door, across the street, across campus...yeah. you get the point.

In case no one noticed, I'm not so good at this whole change/good-bye/not gonna see you for a while thing. Maybe I have to get better at it.

let's give little ole me a pat on the back, shall we?

Jamie and I were having this talk today about how far I've come, and I feel the need to share.

I don't know if I'll ever have everything I've ever wanted. There's quite a list...and I'm going to try to have everything I've ever wanted. but so many things happened this semester show how far I've come. I'm not at all the person I used to be. I have good days and bad ones. At the time, the bad ones seem like they are days that I'll never get over, and lately I just feel as though wherever I go, I keep getting my ass kicked.

But as Jamie put it, that really doesn't matter...does it...

It sure as hell feels like it does, but she's right. It really, really doesn't. I'm not turning into one of those clishe 'live laugh love' people...but more of a 'I am always willing to stand up for what is right, no matter what' person. I think I always was...it just took me longer to embrace it and once I embraced it, I didn't go about it the right way. I'm still a work in progress. I'm learning how to go about it the right way.

I still have some things I need to get over, but I would like to think we all do, right?

And I close with this:

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He/She doesn't set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his/her actions and the integrity of his/her intent. In the end, leaders are much like eagles; they do not flock, you find them one at a time."

el survey

1.Name and middle name? Gracie (no middle name! my real name is two words)

2.What holiday is your birthday closest to? CHRISTMAS

3.Favorite flavored Pie? something with chocolate and without mint

4.Does it bother you when someone says they will call you and they don't? it honestly depends on who it is

5. Are you allergic to anything? The short list is what I'm NOT allergic to...Glynnis says my resperitory system went faulty in the factory.

6. Is there something special you want for Christmas? Christmas is in 8 months...not like I'm counting ^_^...but not close enough to start thinking about that

7.When was the last time you went swimming? Don't remember

8. Do you like cheese cake? Godiva cheesecake!! nom nom nom

9. How many of the U.S.states have you lived in? 2--> NY <3 and RI

10.Have you traveled outside the country? to Italy when I was 11

11.Do you keep a planner or calendar with daily events? calendar

12.Does anyone like you? apparently!

13.Do you have any strange pets? yes...

14.What is your dream car? I have a few...these days a silver Acura MDX, a black Mercedes GL 450, or a BMW 6 series convertible

15.What did you do today? class, sold tickets for the Last Call, lunch with Chelsea, bothered Shane, therapy, practiced my solo with Melissa, REALLY AWESOME Religious Studies seminar...and it's only 5:47...

16.Are you bipolar? Funny you should ask...but I've gotten a WHOLE LOT BETTER!

17.What is the main ringtone on your cell? when it's actually on ringer? MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU!!

18.Where would you want to go on a first date? that's one thing I have not planned out

19.When is the last time you were hugged? today...by Chelsea

20.Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? My Grandpa did when he was alive

21.How important is romance? ........

22.Have you ever bungee jumped? nope...and I never would, either.

23.Have you ever been white water rafting? no. another thing I probably wouldn't do

24.Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? I guess we can call it that!

25.Are you a cavity free kid? yes

26.Are you an extreme racist? nope

27.What song are you listening to right now? So Close -- Jon McGlaughlin (from Enchanted)

28.What is your favorite song at the moment? I have MANY...but my favorite always and forever song is Welcome to the Black Parade.

29.What was the last movie you watched? I don't remember. how sad is that.

30.Where was the last house you went besides your house? Carnlough :-)

31.Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? I TP'd my dad's closet once when I was a kid. HAHA

32.Have you ever been punched? sort of

33.Whats the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? I have decided that there is no concrete answer to that statement. One person can change your thinking about the opposite sex forever.

34 Can you open a beer bottle with a body part other than your hand? no

35. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? I have never been to the Olive Garden. how sad is that.

36.Say something totally random about yourself? I am completely and utterly obsessed with TEXTING.

37.Do you have an mp3 player? iPod

38.Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? I think so...except I don't remember which celebrity!

39.Do you have freckles? birthmarks...and lots of them...that Irish skin will do that to you

40.Are you comfortable with your height? these days, yes. though too many people call me cute because of it. then again my height is probably not the only reason; I think how fast I speak kind of lends to it too :-)

41.Do you love someone? what sort of love are we speaking of here?

42.How tall are you? 5"3.75 apparently

43.Do you speak any other language other than English? not speak, but I took French in HS

44.How do you like your steak cooked? still mooing

45.Has anyone you were really close to passed away? My Grandpa, even though I was three; I really wish I knew him more than I did

46.Do you watch MTV? mostly no, but I have always loved My Super Sweet 16!

47.What is something that really annoys you? how the meal plan in Miley only goes until 7:15

48.Have you talked with your parents about the birds and the bees? OH GOD...have I mentioned that awkward moments define my life?

49.What is the best thing in your refrigerator right now? I actually don't know...don't think any of my stuff is in there

50.When is the last time you had professional pictures taken? headshots for Macbeth last year

51.Do you have a crush on someone? a crush...or more? but I actually do have a 'crush' on someone!

52.Does that person like you back? the 'crush'? doubtful. but the obvious? perhaps

53.Do you drive when you go on long trips? YES!!!!

54.Whats the latest you have ever stayed out? don't know, actually

55.Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die? yes

56.Were you ever rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? no

57.Have you broken a bone or had stitches? no

58.Anyone on your mind right now? sure

59.What color is your hair? light brown

60.What did you do last night? Chorus/Mads practice, worked in the SGA office and did hw, went to Ma's with ze Wifey

i used to be that girl
all alone
but never complained about it.
not a big deal
not a problem
somehow i'll make it work.
but i'm not that girl anymore
i'm never alone
truly happy
but don't disturb the peace.
honestly.
don't bring me back to that place
don't make me live it
don't turn on me
don't make me the loner
all over again.

i've been fighting a cold since monday. i just can't stay on my game this week. sometimes you lose, i guess. but i'm not about to just throw it in. NEVER.

so i had a wonderful Easter.

sung four Masses (well technically, three Masses and a service), went to the city, colored eggs with my babies, made traditional Italian food.

and now my parents are fighting.

my parents rarely fight. but when they do, they always wait until the company leaves before it starts.

i have to go back to Salve tomorrow...and i would really love it if they were speaking before i left. just so it isn't so freaking AWKWARD.

happy easter.

thank you, social psych.

so tomorrow i have a test in social psych...and we're talking about whether or not we are all truly better than average.

apparently, people all tend to describe themselves as better than average...so does that mean that you're average if you describe yourself as better than average? I always thought i was above average..and then i got my VIA paper back today. now, granted, i know that a C is average (and a passing grade that many people would be happy with...) but i don't think of a C is average. B is average. for me. it's not awesome. and I got a B. a straight up 85. i worked my ass off on that damned thing. and people who did it the night before/the day of did as well and some were even better. HOW IS THAT FAIR? isn't it all about hard work? GOOD OLE FASHIONED HARD WORK? HOW COME NO ONE VALUES THAT ANYMORE? (and when did i become my father?)and i even started it ahead of time, like my mother always prods me to do AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. HA.

but now i have myself thinking (which is NEVER good), and i always thought myself to be better than average. beyond better than average. i couldn't deal with just being average. that's probably one of my greatest fears. i'm a Sigma Phi Sigma candidate, for crying out loud. at least someone thinks i'm better than average (other than my parents, but they have to say that...)

i must be above average because i take things seriously (though some would tell you that i take certain things too seriously). no one takes anything seriously anymore, not even professors. i should be thankful that Dr. LoPresti gave me the 85 i deserve, i guess. at least he gets it. classmates don't take schoolwork seriously. people don't participate. entire class periods become wasted. and presentations are nothing more than people reading from a piece of paper. not to mention that no one cares about turning things in on time...when my computer crashed today, i went around looking for the best possible solution. most people would be passive about it. i almost cried. i suffered no penalty, because i have a good track record.

and then there's chorus practice. people leave early, don't show up at all, come late, don't sing, talk, text, you name it. now i'm not saying that i've never done any of these things, because i have. but i try really, really hard to not be a repeat offender. it's far too laid back for my taste. therefore, i'm ABOVE AVERAGE.

i should really get back to studying that i complain so much about people not doing...

lift my spirits again
give me hope
i'm rearing to go here!
what we've waited for
could just be ours.
make me believe
that we could be
don't discourage me
just make me believe.

idealism

that's the first picture that comes to my mind when i think of idealism. i know we've all seen it...but it still makes such an impression on me. that man changed his country just by standing. that was all he had to do. if we all thought that ideally, the world would be so much better.

people don't usually get that i'm an idealist until i say something that allows for them to have the 'a-ha!' moment. they usually tell me that i'm 'so cute' or they just yell, ohmygosh, you're an idealist! that's precious.

yes. there are still a few of us.

i have hope. i know there's a bad world out there. i'm not naive. but having hope will allow me to get through it. i have something to believe in. i have faith. i pray. i'm not realistic. i have it set up in my mind that i can push myself through anything...and when i realize that i'm actually not invincible, it takes me a while to deal with that realization. i like to think that i impress people, and in spite of them seeing multiple people in a day, i'll stand out. they'll remember me. i like to believe that i'm not just another face in the croud...but the truth is, my greatest fear could be being invisible...being a number...just another face in the croud. and my heart tells me i'll never be that...because i'm an idealist.

i don't give up on people easily. i've been let down and somehow i know there will be a need for them later on. i want them to be better people. i want to forgive. i don't trust easily because i'm afraid that once i do trust, i'll trust too much and put all of my faith in someone, and be let down. and then, i'll try and find them again.

i don't like leaving anyone out or hurting the feelings of anyone who i remotely care about. in my mind, we really will all keep in touch and be BFFS forever. no joke...this is how i've set this all up. i've named my children, designed bridesmaid dresses, picked out an ideal career, and perhaps fallen in love...all by age 20. because i have a plan. because i'm an idealist.

idealists have a sort of child-like enthusiasm for the way they go about things. no obstacle is too large. no time constraint matters. stupid rules are to be broken, unless someone gets hurt (or in my case, unless it effects my grade...then i actually think, go figure.). who needs sleep? THERE IS NO REALITY.

and at that moment when i touch someone's life or make my own better by being an idealist...it is all worth it.

how old am I, anyway...

so, after I just copped to how much I want my father to act as though I'm a child, let's see....How old do you act?


[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[x] You own a credit card
[] You know how to change the oil in a car
[x] You've done your own laundry
[x] You can vote in an election
[] You can cook for yourself
[x] You think politics are interesting

TOTAL SO FAR: 6

[] You show up for school late a lot
[x] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket
[x] You've never gotten a detention
[] You have forgotten your own birthday
[x] You like to take walks by yourself
[x] You know what credibility means, without looking it up
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a week

TOTAL SO FAR: 11


[x] You know how to do the dishes
[x]You can count to 10 in another language
[x] When you say you're going to do something you do it
[] You can mow the lawn
[x] You study even when you don't have to
[] You have hand washed a car before

TOTAL SO FAR: 15


[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up
[x] The people at Starbucks know your usual
[x] Your favorite kind of food is take out
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need
[x] You understand political jokes the first time they are said
[x] You can type pretty quick

TOTAL SO FAR: 21


[] Your only friends are from your place of employment
[] You have been to a Tupperware party
[] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job
[] You have more bills than you can pay
[x] You have been to the beach
[x]You use the internet every day
[]You have been outside of the united states 3 or more times
[]You make your bed in the morning

TOTAL: 23

***Repost this with the subject as: I'm (how old you are) but I act (what you got on the test)

well, that makes me only 3 years older than i actually am...

-crash-

-crash-
sometimes all you can do
lie down
let it flow
don't let go
but by all means
let it out.
just -crash-.
just seize up that moment
for what it is
and what it's worth
maybe you can't get it back
maybe you can
but take the time you need
to cry.
cry hard
cry soft
cry long
cry short
but just cry
and -crash-
by any means necessary.
you'll get out.
you know you will
find your way
pick yourself up
you let it flow
and now it's time to let go.

nothing is EVER, EVER as tragic as it seems.
your life could end tomorrow...don't ever waste it.

RIP Jordan Krown
Portledge loves you always <3

FML.

Today, I realized that I have no idea what that ONE thing is that makes me happy. I have no reason not to...I got a 3.82 last semester, I'm a member of a nationally accredited honor society, I'm on Student Government, I have great roomates, I sing well (or so I think), I'm a mentor, and I will never see a student loan for college. Yet already I've changed my major once, I have a minor, I'm almost falling asleep in one of my classes for my current major, and I'm thinking about either adding another major or changing yet again. And yet even if I find something that makes me happy, chances are I won't make a lot of money...which means I won't be happy...which means that my parents wasted a shitload of money on a college education. My father makes a lot of money, yet he sits behind an overcrowded desk and yells at incompetent people who owe him beyond belief, all day long. They tell you that college is that time where you will figure out what that one thing is...yet, you have to pick your major SOPHOMORE YEAR...it's not just Salve. They all lie. A year and a half is REALLY not enough time to pick a major and decide what it is you want to do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...although, when it comes down to it, there's really only two choices: live in a box, or be my father. FML.

this needs to end.

at first, it was funny.
then, it was amusing.
then, it was confusing.
AND NOW IT'S PISSING ME OFF.

no, i'm not homesick. i'm not stressed out about schoolwork...i had my midterm for the day, thank you. it's not even my "love life."

i can't even put words to it...and i know it's stupid to get upset over. it's not gonna stop me.

SO WHAT? I'm still a rockstar ^_^
right?

my head is still on spring break.

yet, there are so many things that i can't WAIT for!!!!

it's kind of scary how familiar things become. i go home and it feels like i've never left. i come back to school and it feels like i've never left. i honestly don't know where i'm happier...but i suppose that's a good problem, right? but then why am i always so excited to go home but get sad when i have to leave?

well, a few things are obvious.

NY > RI...NY > just better than everyone.. period.
friends at home--> known some as long as 15 years...friends at school-->known for just over a year.
at home, i have a REAL BED. i can eat REAL PIZZA and REAL BAGELS. yes, i ate pizza not one, not two, not three, but FOUR times this past week. that is how disgustingly much i missed honest to goodness pizza.
i can drive my car anywhere before 7PM...no stupid parking regs. but they are a small price to pay as opposed to the trolley!
and the dead obvious one: my parents, my grandma, and my dog. after 18 years of seeing them every day/week, it's STILL weird to only see them for limited periods of time, every month or so. some people here go home practically every weekend. occassionally, i'm jealous. i wish i could do that...but that would NOT have worked freshman year.

but then we examine my life here, at Salve:

my friends here are AMAZING.
i get to see a certain member of the opposite sex on a regular basis.
sometimes, it's really great to show my parents how much i am capable of living on my own...though even after a year and a half, i still doubt my capabilities from time to time.
i really like going to Jamie every week...i was at a point where i thought going to therapy once every few weeks was good enough, but if i can go every week, it sure helps things a lot.
i'm actually used to the Army Cot that Res Life calls a bed. i wouldn't choose to sleep on it, but most nights by the time i get there, i could crash on the floor.
i get to really, really connect to some awesome religious life.
most of my life, my friends never lived close by. one of the awesome things about college is that you can just drop in or hang out whenever you want.
i think i've only had one or two professors that i couldn't stomach...in four semesters, that's pretty good.

but people look at their lives at any point in time and clearly know Where Their Life Is. and guess what...i don't know where my life is. can someone's life be in two different places? before coming to Salve i only had one place to have a life. and i haven't left that life behind. i used to call it my "old life" but it's not old...i wouldn't even call it secondary. it's my Home Life. and here, i have my College Life.

i feel like i spend so much time deliberating over this particular topic.

survey time

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
hm. not those exact words but close enough

Who are your last 5 texts from?
Bevin, Connie, Michelle, Gauri, Alli

Who was the last person to call you?
Bevin

Do you miss anyone?
i guess so

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
oh yes

What are your plans for this weekend?
still trying to figure that out

Whats irritating you right now?
i have to go back to the grind on Sunday and it's Thursday

Are you listening to music right now?
yes

What was your childhood nickname?
i've been Gracie since i was 8

Is this year the best year of your life?
it has the potential

Do you have a best friend?
quite a few

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping!

Have you ever passed out?
nope

Do you fall for people easily?
not exactly sure how to answer that.

In the past week have you gotten sick?
nope

How many clothes do you have in your closet?
HAHA...you expect me to count?

Right now do you want to kiss someone?
sure

What’s your mood?
indifferent, actually

Where were you 1 hour ago?
just getting home

When’s the last time you cried?
tonight, for a short while

Did you enjoy your weekend?
yes

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
i'd like to think so, but in my experiences, honestly it hasn't happened yet. unless the guy was gay.

Where’d you get the shirt you’re wearing?
under the christmas tree

Who do you currently like?
i think you know

Do they like you?
not sure

Sunrise or Sunset?
sunset

What movie is in your DVD player?
at school, i think a House DVD

Are you cocky?
yes, actually...

Have you ever been to Mexico?
no

Do you make your bed daily?
nope

Your favorite movie?
Ocean's Eleven, or A Christmas Story

Your favorite tv show?
HOUSE <3

Is there a tv in your room?
at school, yes

How was your day?
meh

Your favorite season?
these days, summer

Something you’re looking forward to in the next month?
Washington DC with Alli my love

Last person you gave up on? When?
i tend to not give up on people, in case you hadn't noticed...but if i had to say i would say last summer.

Last shirt you wore?
sweatshirt and tank top

If your best friend made out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, what would you do?
i'd have to be in the situation to know

Who do you know that can make you feel better if you’re not feeling happy?
a few people

What are you doing besides this?
nothing

Are you logged into any instant messanger programs?
not anymore

Do you have any dishes in your room?
at school, yes

It’s 10am. What are you doing?
on the weekend or on break...sleeping. during the week...either at class or getting ready for class. or i'm at work.

IT'S OVER!

that's right, folks...February is OVER! not gonna come for another year. but the stress hasn't stopped. i have not had this much schoolwork since high school and i'm trying not to freak out (even though i did on friday pretty much) and i keep complaining about it.

so far, for tomorrow, i have already done:

- a presentation on Trinity Church, and woke up early to go to Newport Historical Society to work on said presentation
- regular theory hw, not a big deal
- a take home 2 page essay also for my religion class


i still have to:

- read, which i probably am gonna skim again
- write an analysis paper
- read parables which are happening tomorrow.
and i have to wake up early tomorrow because we are interviewing a candidate for the new university priest/chaplain.

Shane told me to stop being a baby and do it. I told him that i wouldn't go to bed unless it was done and he well knew that. i won that spat, bwhahahaha.

on the bright side, my roomie made me hot chocolate ^_^ and i'm gonna hope for no classes tomorrow *fingers crossed*

for your reading pleasure

i wrote this during class today...after the professor said that people who stand alone on their values don't last.

i straight up looked at him and said, "you'd be surprised how many do."

and then i wrote this:

try to last when no one's on your side
on your own
without those people you thought
would ALWAYS be there.
stand up there all alone
on a premise
so afraid
but unflailing
or so it seems.
because you're willing
to go to the ends of the earth
for what you think and feel is right.
and while you're not truly alone
you feel like no one understands.
eventually, you're rewarded
for sticking it out.
OUTPLAY.
OUTLAST.
if you can't convince them, CONFUSE THEM.

what's the answer?

so we had this crazy discussion in class today about whether or not life is fair.

and guess what. life isn't fair. but for the most part, it's been fair to me. yet...what did i do to deserve that? how did i get to be one of the lucky ones? i mean...it hasn't been a bed of roses. but i honestly can't think of any life i'd rather have than my own. the only person i ever wanted to be for a day is my mother.

sure, i'd love to get handed one of those dream fastpasses at Disney where you can go on any ride you want and cut the line as many times in one day as you wish. i'd love to get handed a shopping spree for some crazy amount of money. but after so much studying of consumerism and after hearing about the awful things that go on in sweat shops, so much of that stuff isn't important. i know i place a lot of emphasis around material goods and part of me says that i just can't help myself. but maybe i can.

if i take away everything in my life that needs money, i think i'd still be happy. now as much as we all say that money can't buy happiness, i think it certainly helps to buy memories. i can't, or should i say that i don't want to think about what my life would be like without those awesome days spent in the city with my parents (like this past weekend when i went home!). and i love the convienence of having my car here at Salve now. as much as it's for convienience, so many memories are made in the car!!!! but...i think of other people's lives and i realize just how lucky i am.

sometimes everyone has to complain and whine about their life. i had my moment last week. that moment is over. no more whining for a while because i think everything is pretty much back to normal and i filled my whining quota for the next three months all in a week! right now, i have so much work to do before going home for spring break but i tell myself that it will get done. i know i'll feel overwhelmed, but i always land on my feet.

onward!

*sigh*

just to put this out there:

i don't know if i've ever been so tired in my life. i've gone to bed at 3am every night for the past two weeks, with the exception of one or two nights.

i have a psych test tomorrow and yet another crazy busy day. i almost fell asleep in class and in mads practice.

friday can't get here soon enough.

honestly?

is it ONLY february 8th?

can this month PLEASE speed up? NOW?

i feel like all i've done is whine and guess what...i'm gonna whine here too.

i need to catch a break. i am so, so tired and i guess i'm emotionally drained.

but i'm always. always. always okay. because that's just life. and sometimes you just have to ignore it and go on pretending.

i know i'll be happy. in fact i was happy the past two days.

just how much more will it take
for me to fall apart
to pieces
and shatter like glass?

but what's done is done
nothing can be taken back
it's nothing i can stop
it's just the world.

i've discovered that i love to write about myself

in honor of all of those fact things on Facebook...
i'm combining the two i made. and adding more. because it's 1:18 am and i'm not tired.

1. I'm a sophomore (where did the time go?) at Salve Regina University and I LOVE it though I'll always be a New Yorker at heart. I plan on returning to Long Island once I graduate from Salve. I'm a Religious Studies major and a Music minor, and I want to go to the Master's degree program in Religious Studies from Fordham University, where I wanted to go before I found Salve.

2. I'm very loud sometimes and I guess what one could consider obnoxious. For all intense and purposes, I don't mean to piss people off. I'm intent on speaking my mind but I'm genuinely sorry if the way I go about it offends you. My social work professor indirectly referred to me the other day as "the oone who never shuts up." I told her my mother would kiss her feet for saying that, seeing as she has to listen to me all of the time. ;-) Love you Mom.

3. I'm an only child and I'm admittedly spoiled. I went to Confession once and told my pastor that I felt like I was too materialistic. He told me that as long as I gave back to people that Jesus does not want me to commit myself to a life of poverty. I do my best to give back to people and I very much recognize how lucky I am to keep the lifestyle that I do.

4. I'm extremely devoted to my parents and I'm so proud of their 25 year marriage and even longer commitment to each other. They didn't always have it easy and what they worked through could merit them a special on Oprah though I think they're too humble for that. While sometimes I want to scream at them, that's what parents are for and I would be NOWHERE without them..I wouldn't even feel as though I had God, because they brought me to Him. They are genuinely the most important people in my life and I would do absolutely anything for them even if it meant risking my own life.

5. I like being Catholic. I like knowing that no matter where I go in life, Jesus will be there. I feel that my commitment to Him is very important because there is no greater sacrifice than what He went through.

6. I take care of others before myself. I'm routinely referred to as "Mom" and it's been said that I even have a Mom Car....and it's true, seeing as I wanted an SUV so I could drive around everyone who needed a ride. I'm very, very protective of people almost to a fault. My roomate laughs at me and always says that I "take care of EVERYONE!" Michelle laughs at me because I "have a nine to five and a minivan.." but correction, a COMPACT SUV!

7. I love my friends, in New York, at Salve, wherever. They are the Lights of God in my life. I think about where I was in life some years ago and then I think about the friends I have now and I could not be more thankful. I've been referred to as taking friendship very seriously. I truly give my heart to people who give their heart to me. I don't make friends easily, but it kills me to lose friends. I love to take so many pictures because I need to remember EVERYTHING that we do together!

8. I love being surrounded by people and knowing everyone, but sometimes it gets overwhelming. Three times last week, I introduced myself to friends of my friends and the conversation resulted in something along the lines of...Me: Hi, I'm Gracie! Other Person: Yup, I know.

9. Disney World and Christmas are my two favorite entities in life. I usually emit tears upon embarking in either one.

10. I've been seriously depressed but I'm inspired every day by how I managed to come out of the funk. I remember what I'm made of, that if i could get through that, I could get through anything. That time in my life is becoming easier to talk about and deal with because I know that there are people who genuinely care and I'm not constantly questioning their trust. I am occasionally still haunted by that time, but I remember what I have now and the sad tears turn to happy ones.

11. I'm a narotic fool concerning grades. I can't even manage to sing my best in my voice lessons because I constantly have in the back of my mind that I'm getting graded on every lesson. My voice teacher sympathasizes and says that she wouldn't grade me if it wasn't a departmental policy. I know this is something I need to work on, but the thought of not graduating with honors or not making Dean's List gives me a knot in my stomach. I might actually get better grades if I was less nervous.

12. I overcommit myself, but somewhere in my mixed up mind I know I must like it to some degree. I'm taking 20 credits this semester, I have a major and a minor, I'm in the VIA program, I'm on SGA, I helped plan the campus ministry retreat, I do other campus ministry events, I sing in Madrigals, University Chorus, and church choir, I do babysitting and church choir when I'm home, and somehow I manage to have a social life and keep in touch with my friends from home when I'm at school. Phew!

13. I love singing and performing. In case you hadn't noticed, I have no issue with being up in front of a crowd unless I'm going to be critiqued...then I don't get stage fright, but rather I become a nut job perfectionist. I'd like to think that I'm a good entertainer and sometimes in a social setting I fall into entertainer mode without realizing it...I sing random notes, I overdramatize, or I fall into a stand up comedy routine. I always ask my friends where they would be without my comic relief...and my mother has to remind me to Get Off The Stage.

14. I have feelings for someone that I've had for over a year now. I'm not sure if he feels the same way about me.

15. I'm sometimes very, very sarcastic, but I have a bigger heart than most people you'll ever meet. Do something nice for me, as small as writing an inside joke on a piece of paper just to cheer me up, and I will hug all over you like you just saved my life. Recently I expressed to someone that I was very happy about something and the response was that they would have loved to be there to see me happy because they could imagine it in their head.

16. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm extremely long winded when I'm writing so I apologize!

17. I'm terrified of heights. I couldn't even look over the railing down three floors when I lived in Miley last year, without freaking out.
18. I think I've been to Disney World sixteen times and it has yet to get old.
19. I absolutely adore being from New York, though there really is nothing to do on Long Island.
20. Both of my roomates are not from the US--Laura is from Ireland and K is from Japan.
21. My 2008 calendar was of Chippendales models ^_^
22. I order take-out at least once a week, maybe even twice.
23. I claim to hate Britney Spears, yet I have seven or eight of her songs on my iPod.
24. I go through a case of water every two weeks and I have empty bottles all over my room to prove it.
25. I love to go through old photo albums--there are days when I think I look exactly the same as I did when I was little but then I see the pictures and...not so much.
26. I am allergic to: dust, mold, pollen, ragweed, and other wonderful outdoorsy things. I have been asked if I have asthma because when all of those allergens are active at the same time I have trouble breathing.
27. I have been singing seriously since I was 12 and I used to think I wanted a record deal.
28. I genuinely love to participate in class. If you know me, you know that I rarely have trouble speaking my mind.
29. I really want my mother to do this note. I'd love to see what she comes up with to write.
30. I missed my dad a lot this week after I had a dream that he came to Salve to visit me and brought me a big stuffed animal. My father is the only person in my life who I want to treat me like I'm four.
31. My favorite song of all time is Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance; according to the counters on my iTunes, I have played it 110 times. Ironically, I know very few other MCR songs.
32. I met John Stamos when I was seven, when he was in a revival of How to Succeed. I'm pretty sure I called him Uncle Jesse.
33. I ran for student government four times between middle school and high school and I never won...then I came to college and I'm on the SGA senate. Student government is honestly everything I thought it would be.
34. I don't remember the last time I went to sleep before midnight. At this point any earlier time just feels weird.
35. I love my church choir from my home church. Most of its members are over fifty but they are like another family to me. They are an extremely encouraging group of people and they are always so happy to see me!
36. Midnight Mass makes my life. Period.
37. I am a HOUSE MD FANATIC. I own seasons 1-4 on DVD, I've seen every single episode ever made, I own SIX House T-shirts and a book called The House That Hugh Laurie Built that contains an episode guide, I have a framed promo poster in my room at home, and I am guilty of owning a replica of House's Flaming Cane. I was so happy when House moved to Mondays because on Tuesdays I have student government meetings!
38. In concert, I've seen Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, Van Halen, and John Mayer, and I have been to Z100's Jingle Ball three times.
39. I take more pictures than I know what to do with.
40. I used to babysit for two families on my street and I am still close with both of them.
41. I may be the most nostalagic person you will ever meet.

and...a special fact that is just too special to have a number: I am going to be a Godparent on March 8th to my cousin's daughter who is also nicknamed Gracie!!

42. I'm working on my Bucketlist.
43. I love game shows--I watched Wheel of Fortune with my mother when I was a kid, but my favorites ever are probably The Price is Right, Deal or No Deal, or Supermarket Sweep. I even wrote a term paper in eighth grade on game shows.
44. I'm really close to my grandmother on my mom's side.
45. When people around me are depressed, I tend to take on their pain because I know how it feels, and I don't want them to go through it.
46. I can't sleep with a light on in my room.
47. I talk to my mother, Bevin, Shane, Gauri, and Michelle at least five times per week either online or on the phone.
48. I'm addicted to text messaging.
49. I slept through a class once freshman year and ever since, I wake up at least once before my alarm goes off because I'm paranoid. I actually cried when that happened.
50. I tend to leave necklaces on for weeks at a time.
51. I never lost a cell phone, though I always think I lost it.
52. I've ordered chocolate milk at a restaurant and I was over the age of 18.
53. I love going for drives down Ocean Drive with Glynnis.
54. At home, I sleep with my laptop on my bed and put on a movie or House episodes because I got so used to sleeping with the TV on at school.
55. My New York Accent comes out more when I'm with my parents.
56. I can't wait for baseball season.
57. I love chocolate chip muffins from Jazzman's.
58. I own a Snuggie, though Shane was reluctant to ring it up when I bought it. ^_^
59. Since we don't have anything like Ocean Drive at home, I love to drive around aimlessly with my friends to the most random places at random hours.
60. Bevin and I still swing on playground swings every time I'm home.
61. I never knew what Ma's, Shaw's, Brooks Pharmacy, Ocean State Job Lot, Christmas Tree Shops, or Del's was until I came to Salve.
62. In exactly twelve days I will be forever free of relying on the RIPTA as I will be bringing my car back to Salve with me.
63. I'm not a huge fan of Christian rock or the P&W genre; I tend to stick to more traditional worship songs and hymns. I am willing to give Christian rock more of a chance, though.
64. When Allie and I were in fifth grade and Ari was in fourth, we produced our own "movie" and made our parents and some of our other friends star in it. Apparently, my mother still has some of the raw footage.
65. I go shopping on Black Friday every year at Target and other stores in Broadway Mall with my mother and whoever is brave enough to join us.
66. I once wrote a sixty-two page novella about a girl from a broken home named Lexy.
The storyline actually isn't all that bad.
67. I've been compared to Little Orphan Annie, courtesy of Frank.
68. Salve and Summerstock were the best things that ever happened to me.
69. I'm obsessed with my cousins...creepy as that sounds. But I mean it with all of the love in the world.
70. I used to love going to Gauri's dad's company holiday party every year. Great Indian food, great friends, really fun dancing, an excuse to wear a pretty dress, and cute waiters ;-)
71. I honestly can't decide when the best day/night of my life was; I have too many choices!
72. I love working at State Farm and I never take off my "I'm There" rubber bracelet, in case anyone had any doubt that I was a Good Neighbor.
73. Trashy music is my guilty pleasure.
74. I own far too many pink items; my dorm sheets, wireless mouse, lamp, iPod, Skullcandy headphones, Uggs, binders, phone, wastebasket, iHome to Go, retainer case, bookbag, big puffy North Face ski jacket, curtains in my room at home, and multiple clothing items are all pink.
75. I can sing the soprano line of the Halleluiah Chorus by heart.
76. I went to All-County twice and All-State once, and I did a summer select choir program that was a week long the summer after my junior year of high school.
77. My favorite restaurants at home are La Pace and Cafe Fiorello.
78. My favorite Newport restaurants are Lucia's and Spark.
79. I order the exact same thing every time I eat at the Brick Alley Pub; the spinach and artichoke dip, without the chips. I eat the whole dip with a spoon.
80. I've learned a lot about what it means to make your own kind of music. I couldn't have done it without help because there is so much social risk involved.
81. I haven't seen my parents in two weeks; just two short years ago, that thought would have made me hysterical.
82. It makes me mad that the drink cups in Sky Ranch have been moved to the register area instead of where they used to be, next to the soda fountain. I have reached for a cup by the soda fountain when there were no cups there, far too many times.
83. I started mentoring last semester for a girl named Cassy who lives at a group home. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
84. I'm a lot deeper than people realize when they first meet me.
85. I love being at Salve, but I'm always happy to go home. I'm not one of those people who can't wait to get back to school after a break because they can't wait to get out of their house; I can't wait to go back just because I want to see my friends.
86. I'm pretty sure I had a crush on Captain Von Trapp...the character, not the actor (Christopher Plummer) or the real person.
87. As dorky as this sounds, I'd love to ride in the Popemobile.
88. I'm planning on doing a short-term study abroad session next summer. I can't do it this summer because I wouldn't miss Bevin's graduation unless I had some uncurable disease!
89. I think Obama Girl is hilarious.
90. One of the baristas at the Starbucks closest to my house knows me by my car.
91. I think I would cry if I met Andy Roddick or Hugh Laurie.
92. Aside from House, my favorite character on House is Cuddy; I have the most personality traits in common with her. Gauri and I call each other House and Cuddy, and I was Cuddy for Halloween freshman year.
93. I love crashing Summerstock cast parties at the Greenvale Diner, and at this point it's a give that I'll show up.
94. In a moment of madness last week, I thought about going for a doctorate eventually.
95. I had the most awesome two-hour long conversation last night with Ann, Ben, and Whit at Ann's house.
96. I still don't know if I'm going to go on the Spring Retreat or go to DC with my VIA class. I need to get on that.
97. At some point, I'd love to write editorials for a Catholic newspaper like the Long Island Catholic.
98. Newport is an awesome place to go to college, but since freshman year I knew that once I graduate, I'm going back to New York for good, hopefully. Coming to New England was a bit of a culture shock!
99. I've seen Joan David once this year and that depresses me.
100. I need to get more sleep!

SURPRISE!

sometimes i like surprises...like surprise parties and surprise presents and surprise hugs and even surprise visits.

but...aside from that i'm not really a fan of surprises. i need to be in control. as i just said to Michelle, i'd be very, very happy if everyone and their brothers let me know where they were all of the time. i don't like it when i don't know what i'm doing (though i'll say things like 'i can't think that far ahead' but i tend to know what i'm up to before it happens) and i don't like it when i don't know what people are doing. even when i was a kid, i didn't like it when someone was picking me up from school or an activity that wasn't my mother (unless it was my dad and he got home from work early)..if i didn't know in advance that that person was coming to get me.

ergo...today was quite a surprise. and not the kind that makes me happy. the kind that sends me through a loop. and yet, at the same time, i know i shouldn't be happy....
......but i guess i kind of am. ;-)

weekend update

i'm thinking back to this time last year (i tend to do that a lot) and i remember how i was so, so sad after Christmas break. all i wanted to do was be back at home and i was on the phone with my mom, crying, every night the first week i was back at Salve. i can remember sitting in the Miley hallway and just wanting my own bed and my own room, for that matter.

this year, however, was DRASTICALLY different. last Sunday when i went to Mass at home for the last time for a while...i did cry, but i was over it eventually. when we got to Salve i met my new roomate, Laura, who is from IRELAND! i also put up new pics and fixed the old ones on my wall that were pretty much epic failing. my parents took Glynnis and i out to the Brick then i stayed in the hotel with them that night.

Monday-got my act together mostly...and when my parents left, i actually didn't cry for pretty much the first time. i met up with Nicole and Ben later and we played on Nicole's new Wii and then watched the new HOUSE episode (which was great, but next week's looks better). Tuesday we started classes and i hung out with Sara a lot...and watched the Inaugration with Anna Mae and Phil and Nicole (and i felt really, really badly for Obama when the chief justice flubbed the Oath of Office. that was terrible!).

and then on Wednesday all of my grand decision-making skills went to WASTE. i had pretty much come to the decision that i was going to participate in the Madrigals' cabaret and be on the team for the spring retreat instead of being in the musical this semester BUT...when i got to my VIA class, i found out that our big class trip to Washington, DC is on...THE SAME WEEKEND AS THE RETREAT. WHY does conflict RUIN MY LIFE? i still haven't been able to talk to Anna Mae about what i'm going to do. i just wish everything was scheduled when i could do it all. i'd still be able to do the cabaret but that doesn't require working toward something like the retreat all semester. no fair. not at all. i went to Ann's apartment for dinner that night, then had my first Jesus and the Gospels class with Sr. Marta :-) and i pretty much forgot all about the big decision...almost.

Thursday was a relatively easy day (one class, music rehearsals, and SGA office). this semester, i'm pretty much done with the week by Wednesday night because i only have one class on Thursdays and one class on Fridays. once i clear Wednesday, it's pretty easy from there. finally the weekend came. on Friday..Glynnis and i took a road trip to Coventry to visit Shane at work (who I haven't seen in forever). came back and went all over. went to Panera for dinner with Megan, found Glynnis driving around Newport, went to see Nick and Norah's Infinate Playlist in Wakehurst with Claire and Alli and Kerrin, then we met up with Megan again and we went to Ma's and Ocean Drive..for the second time that day.

Saturday i hung out with Kelly, who it was sooooo good to see. we just went to the Brick but i don't go for lunch too often and for once on a Saturday afternoon it wasn't overloaded with tourists. went to visit my Wifey at Miley Mart, went over to Glynnis', and then went on a grand adventure with Sara which was so awesome. Sara is from South County and knows her way around Rhode Island really, really well. so we went to get our nails done, visited her mom where she works, and went to this local place called Gregg's. on the way home Sara showed me her high school, and the cute little town of Wickford. in the past two days i saw so much of Rhode Island that i've never seen before...between going to Coventry and North Kingstown and Wickford.

and now, it's *sigh* time for homework. because i had too much fun all weekend.

today, of all days...

well, that was one confusing day...yet at the same time it was awesome.

i think Fate may be playing with my heart. just when i've got a plan, i get thrown something from out of nowhere.

today was SERIOUSLY NOT THE DAY for that to happen!

and yet...it's so exciting!

this world doesn't understand!

so i got back to Salve yesterday (and i'm actually really happy to be back) and Ben told me all about FOCA...which i'd actually never heard of before.

FOCA = Freedom of Choice Act.

this act, if passed, will lift the ban on partial birth abortions that was passed in 2003 that we fought so hard for. it will also make the right to an abortion a fundamental constitutional right, remove parental consent laws for underage girls seeking abortions, allow abortions to not be limited to only licensed doctors, and force doctors employed by faith-based hospitals to perform abortions.

THIS IS A DISGRACE.

now, i've decided to be patriotic and support Obama as he is our president. and i didn't like it when Bush was in office and democrats were saying all they had to say about him and are now wanting us right-wings to be patriotic. but i'd be a hypocrite if i wasn't. but...i pray that Obama has the sense and conscience to NOT SIGN THE FOCA. it was proposed because it was said that women did not have the same equal rights as men as the right to an abortion was not a fundemental constitutional right; BUT! NO ONE, not a man, not a woman, not black or white or straight or gay, HAS A RIGHT TO PLAY GOD AND DECIDE WHO LIVES OR DIES. these are innocent lives, no matter how they came into existance.

my rant ends here.

i hate this feeling
i guess i always will
i hope that the world can understand
that some things are just irreplacable.

i know, it makes no sense
should i even feel like this?
my life would be so much easier
if this wasn't so hard every time.

doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

goodbye who?

I WORKED TODAY!!!!! YAYYYYYYY!!!!

and i was all choked up about not going to work at State Farm anymore.

maybe, just maybe, in some cases...there is no such thing as goodbye.

what's even funnier is that i haven't done any State Farm work since August...and yet the only things i messed up were:
1) i didn't know where to put my jacket because there was never a need for a jacket when i worked there.
2) i didn't know where Suzanne kept the shredder bags because i went to look for them where they were usually kept and they weren't there.
3) i wrote a credit card number where a check number goes but i caught it in time.
4) i said "good morning" on the phone past noon.

i proceded to think (and tell Margaret) that it amazed me that i remembered practically EVERYTHING. yet when i spend a semester in a class, i'm convinced that i need to re-study all of the information for a final. of course in a class it's different material every day instead of doing essentially the same work every day...but still. i forgot how confident i felt after handling a day at that place. and while i didn't do a whole lot of work, i'm still tired! but i felt needed and well-respected and all of that warm, fuzzy stuff.

and now, a true office conversation (and an example of why i love my workplace):
Suzanne: I've been thinking about getting a dog again.
Me: Oh, good! Get a bichon...they're great!
Suzanne: Well, I wanted to get a big dog...I'm thinking I want to get a Laberdoodle or a Portugese Water Dog and be like the Obamas. (insert giggle here).
Me: Oh, thanks. (sarcasm)
Suzanne: Didn't you miss me? Who else do you have to torture you all day long?

what's really so wrong anyway?
what the hell is the big deal?
get over it.

don't make me be the grown-up here
i always had to be
when i was only a child.

now i don't want to deal
i don't want to care
I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.

did all that work
just go to waste?
or should i spend my time somewhere else.

i just want to whine about it
hide in my room and be a perpetual child
and not come out until it's over.

GONE.
FINISHED.

get on your hazmat suits and take it out of the air so i don't have to breathe it.

i'd be idealistic to think it won't ever happen again.
but go crap up someone else's air with it so i don't have to feel like this.

welcome to wherever you are

christmas is over. Disney is over. Both were awesome, for the record; I got to spend some great times with my fav cousins ^_^ in my favorite place in the world. i'm already thinking about the next time i'll get to go to Disney (though i've already been there TOO MANY TIMES but who really cares?) and while i'm feeling sad that both of those things are over...i still have eight and a half days left of freedom. and if that was the beginning of a regular old break i'd be thrilled right now. so i'm going to think of it that way instead of being sad about everything ending.

i've been getting to see my 516 loves, though i miss the crap out of Gauri since she's been in India since she left my house, practically. and while i don't want my freedom to be over, i am excited to see all my Salve loves. that's the way it always goes. i must sound like a broken record. i'm working two days at State Farm next week and i get to meet baby Gracie on Monday!!!!!! and provided we don't get snowed in, Aunt Viv and Uncle Jay are coming tomorrow and i haven't seen them since my dad's birthday in JULY. i think i'm in withdrawl. the cousins are coming too and we'll get to talk in "E-language" like we did in Disney; "E-language" is something that Joe and his friend essentially made up. you say a regular word but replace every vowel in the word with the "E" sound. it sounds so stupid, but once you get going with it it's hilarious.

and today we had breaking news that leaves me unsettled. it's almost as though the situation is wishing me...Surprise! Happy New Year! but in the most sarcastic sense. but at the same time, it could turn out exactly how i want it to but i don't want to get ANY hopes up. because when i do that then..all hell breaks loose, pretty much.

but there is nothing i can do about it right now. so i may as well enjoy my remaining freedom.