full speed ahead to december 14th.

CHRISTMAS is so soon! and i'm really excited about it but i kinda miss all of the christmasy things that i used to do at home in the end of november/beginning of december. i watched the rockefeller center tree lighting tonight....by myself. i wanted to be at home, on the couch, with Fagin on my lap and my parents mulling about...but no, i was here, in "smiley miley" as my dad affectionately calls this so-called building where we live in cubbyholes. my friends made me happy again on tuesday, and they made me happy again today. but i'm burnt out. my leg started shaking during the voice recital today because i was so nervous. i didn't miss any notes, but i wish that i did better. as i watched the tree lighting and i noticed Ashley Tisdale and how she was named one of the 25 hottest stars under 25, i began to wonder if my time is running out to break into (if i even want to) "the business." so many actors and singers who are famous are...well, under 25. in 18 days, i'm going to be 19 and that's still a few years away from 25, but it's not too far. then they showed Britney Spears hosting the tree lighting at 17 years old...which is almost two years younger than me. am i past my expiration date? it annoys me because some of these people have no real acting talent and are just pretty faces. they also have no classical singing training, just vocal coaches who don't teach them about true performance like Rose does or breath control and technique then applying artistry the way that Dr. Pomfret does. and i don't think that their vocal coaches just gave workshops in Singapore like Dr. Pomfret does. they are just coaching the "singers" into how to sing all the way to the bank. but because i didn't quit school at 13 and i'm not under 150 lbs and i'm not in it just to dance like a whore and make millions of dollars but rather for the thrill of being out there and singing (which, by the way, is less nervwracking in front of a large croud as opposed to a small, intimate croud where you can see EVERYONE'S faces...) i could be past my expiration date...Socrates would tell you that there is no justice in that. and as much as the concept of Hannah Montana is cool for that age group and i'll admit to watching a few episodes, a girl should not just get a free ride to overnight sensation at 14 just because Billy Ray Cyrus is her father...she does have a good voice, BUT SO DO MANY OTHER WORTHY PEOPLE, and they won't get an opportunity (certainly not at the ripe old age of 14) to be an overnight sensation because they "don't know anybody."

sorry for the rant. anyway, i'm also really worried about the goings on in the lives of my friends. i want to be there to help them because i love them but i'm not the world's most emotionally secure person and i'm worried that i won't be able to help them (and, for my friends at home, being 3 hours away certainly doesn't help matters). i confessed to Dani and Meghan about how much i need to be noticed. i was not judged. they are amazing. the end. Dani wants me to join the "DARK SIDE" *insert Darth Vader breathing here* and Claire was informing me on our morning coffee run that i'm nuts and narotic. none of this is anything that i don't know; i just don't know how to be any other way. now, i have a headache probably from my monthly and tiredness and caffine overload. i still have to finish my bio hw and look up review questions for calc so Dr. Zeuge continues to see initiative...wow, that sounds so warped, doesn't it? I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOLWORK! AHHHH! and i won't even have any over break because we start a WHOLE NEW SEMESTER! and i'm even going to get to see Ann and Dani and Meghan over break because they're coming to NYC! so i won't completely go through "Salve Friends Withdrawl." no siree.

but here's some not so great news....there are only 3 House episodes left......and there is no House until......JANUARY. can we PLEASE give the writers what they want just so i can get my husband back? kthanks.

there's no place like home.

i want to go back home. now. our ride home on tuesday, where Gauri and Kaoru and i watched Cars and that made me happy, was unbelievably short and i actually got to watch House at a reasonable hour =) on wednesday, i went and visited the world and put about 40 miles on Sparky in one day, just from going around long island. my mom and Kaoru went and got stuff for Thanksgiving and then we met back home and made pumpkin pie and went to Michael's, which my mom and i do every year on the day before Thanksgiving. then Kaoru and i met Sam and Michelle at Friday's!! turns out Sam didn't have meningitis after all. she had (spelling may be way wrong..) Gayamba-Ray Syndrome. i'd only heard of it because...it's often a possible diagnosis on House! but just to show how rare it is, it's never the answer to the final diagnosis. yet that's what Sam had. after we ate we drove around aimlessly for a bit which was fun.

Thanksgiving day started out like any Thanksgiving day. we watched the Macy's parade and ate pumpkin pie for breakfast. then i went and picked up my grandmother and almost got into an accident because of the dumb new security system at her development. then my aunt and uncle and Gina and Joe came, and we played Apples to Apples :-D and then ate and ate and ate some more. after the massive eating Gina and Kaoru and i went to pick up Bevin (but we showed Kaoru my school first..) so we could sing Christmas carols to ring in the season!! since we didn't have time to rehearse, it was fun and the best parts were 1) Bevin introducing me to The Friendly Beast, a really great Christmas song that i'd heard before and never knew the name of, and 2) the most hilarious rendition of the 12 days of Christmas EVER. we assigned everybody a part. well, first of all, Joe didn't want to do it, so my mom wanted to give him the partridge in a pear tree. Kaoru never heard the song before. i stuck my dad with two turtle doves again, and he also did the funniest seven swans a swimming ever. the song took about 15 minutes by the time we sorted it all out.

then on Friday, we got up around 7:30 and headed to Target for the doorbusters. in case anyone didn't know, i LOVE Black Friday. i bought so many Christmas presents for only $150. Target is amazing. and Kaoru survived Black Friday! we went into the mall for a bit for more doorbusters, and were on our way home by 12:30. we had lunch with Christina, and then kind of hung out and i talked to Arielle for a while. then my dad came home and we took Kaoru to NYC! we drove around and ate at Fiorello's (of course...). on Saturday i got my hair done and then we went to my aunt's in New Jersey but before we went to her house we took Trish and Joseph to see Santa which was hilarious. then we all hung out at my aunt's house and ate some more. Sunday was back to Salve with Gauri. and now i'm here and i want to go back.

it is now Christmastime, one of my three favorite things EVER (the others are Disney World and the Last Week of School) but i feel sad today because 1) it's raining, and 2) i miss home already. i want to enjoy the time here the way my dad was saying, but i'm feeling like i just want to make it for two more weeks of classes. and then i get to come home for FIVE WEEKS. and that begins with my birthday. wowie. but i'm still wishing that i could sort of fast forward to the 14th when we get to go home. and yes, i love my friends here. but i just want it to be easy, to have all of my friends here together. i really do love it here. i just want all of my friends to be in one place. and i want my parents to come back. i know they will be here for the Christmas concert but does it make me completely babyish that i want them to stay for those two weeks?

i try hard not to talk like this but...

i'm SO SO SO SO SO SO SO excited!!!!

reasons being:

1) i will be HOME in the 516 in approximately 32 hours...that's about equivalent to how much i've slept this week. haha.
1a) i'm seeing Gauri in approximately 27 hours!!!!
2) after we closed Maccers last night, we danced around the theatre. i kid you not. we DANCED, to takin' care of business and the "new shoes" song. we conga lined and danced on the table. it was amazing.
3) i told Amanda, and i made her day!
4) aside from really dumb spanish and bio hw, i am done with schoolwork for a while.
5) K is coming for Thanksgiving and will get to go in Sparky.
6) House is on tomorrow...
7) i'm on a caffine high.
8) I'M DIRECTING GREASE THIS SUMMER! AHHH!

that sums up my mood right now. i'm going to quit while i'm ahead. :-)

takin' care of business

and workin' overtime.

so i've come to the conclusion that i've underestimate Salve's theatre department. at the beginning of this week i was thinking not exactly that no one liked me but that no one "felt" like including me. i've realized that there are some people who just change the dynamic and when the enter the room the people that i actually like tremendously...change. it doesn't make them lesser people. people just behave differently around certain other people. i've also decided that i admire Amanda a lot. she sort of reminds me of me in that she has those annoying, bulldog, sort of mannerisms, but except for the fact that she drinks and that she's skinny, we're really similar. i think she's just a great leader and takes this so seriously. she's also talented and while she didn't get the "lead" role, she was always helping and as Mrs. Hawkridge put it, she's the "go-to girl." she does the little things that no one notices to get the cast revved up and excited and focused to go on stage. i could use her right now...act one is going on as we speak, and i'm not exactly focused. i am, however, exhausted. i'm going to be happy to go home on Tuesday (!!!!!) and i'm sort of going to be happy that the show is over, but at the same time, i don't want the show to be over. i decided that while i will welcome the absence of some stress, i'm going to miss it. i'm also not sure if i'm going to try out for Hay Fever, the next mainstage production. it's a small cast, and i may want to not have the stress. but doing the show, the actual show, is worth the stress of cramming rehearsals and massive amounts of work into...one week. and i'm guessing that i don't have much to worry about. I got an email from Mrs. Medeiros saying that i had at least a 92 average and one particular assignment was optional for those of us who had a 92+ average in bio. i guess i did okay on the test.

anyway, BEVIN is HERE! and she's handling what happened this weekend (details, on a blog, would not be fair.) really, really well. on friday night Bevin and my dad picked me up from the Friday night show and we met my mom and Aunt Viv and Uncle Jay at Brick Alley. we went to the Cliff Walk on Saturday morning, then we ate breakfast in Miley and went into town. we went to the Music Box and Pleasant Surprise and of course i needed starbucks. then i had to do the afternoon show, and my parents, Bevin, and Aunt Viv and Uncle Jay all came to the evening show (where the fab cast of Maccers got yet another standing ovation) then all of us plus Dani went back to their hotel. we had diner take-out and laughed really, really hard. Dani fit right in with my parents and Aunt Viv and Uncle Jay, and Bevin actually "gives it back" to Uncle Jay. it's really, really funny. then Dani took Bevin and I back to Miley and we watched the end of Forrest Gump. we got up early again and went to the Black Pearl and Gabby came. i'm still kinda full from that right now. i freaked out because i couldn't find my North Face (with my iPod in the pocket...) and i also couldn't find my outline for the histoiographical essay that i STILL have to write...that i should be doing right now actually...but everything was found and once again, i freaked out for NOTHING. i need to stop doing that....the jury is still out on how...
Gabby was trying to get me to ask Mrs. Murphy for an extension on the essay, my dad suggesting cutting portal so i'd have time to finish it. everyone is always teasing me for doing things the "right" way and to be honest i'm getting sick of people telling me how to be. i know people mean well and "they do it because they love me" but i'm tired of people telling me that i should take shortcuts. i actually did ask to do AlcoholEdu at a later date but i wasn't allowed b/c its run by a big company. that's what happens when i make a small attempt to help myself. something doesn't work out and i'm still running around like a chicken without a head.

i am so tired and i feel bad saying this but i'm pissed off that we have a Sunday night show. it's not our faults that we sold out...we are just talented and people want to see us. if they can't too bad. then again if our theatre was even a tad bit bigger imagine how few shows we'd have...

all's well that ends well.

we can start out by saying that Hell Week was truly Hell Week. in the middle of rehearsals until midnight, shows beginning on Wednesday, and Mrs. Hawkridge's breakdown (and compared to other director breakdowns that i've witnessed, it wasn't too bad.) i had to figure out what classes i'm taking next semester, do a history presentation, have a bio test, have a calc test, have a spanish test, fill out random bio worksheets, do a portal paper, and do random portal readings. and Wednesday night i just lost it. and my parents got mad at me for the thing that is the opposite of what most parents get mad at their kids for--for stressing out and putting too much pressure on myself and for crying over a test that i may not have time to study for, and for not getting enough sleep and not eating healthy. i feel as though i'm in a big kunundrum--if i don't study because i simply wanted to get some sleep, the teacher would make me take the test anyway. so what are we getting graded on...who stays up the latest?? society seriously has it all wrong. nevertheless, i stayed up until 145 studying, the same time that i stayed up until all week. i got up early the next morning to study, and Dani quizzed me at lunch. i still didnt feel ready though. the test turned out alright, and i proved to myself what i keep trying to prove to the world--that nothing phases me. i got an A on my calc test and a 92 on my spanish test. booyah. (and Lily got a 95, and Kim got a 90. Senora Borrero called us the "A Club." )

thursday, however, was so, so much better. i decided to mend the fence with my dad, once Meg's ipod in the green room was playing "For Good" from Wicked. the part of the song that convinced me to make the call was "and just to clear the air, i ask forgiveness for the things you blame me for. but then i guess we know there's blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore." i thought about it. i'm a jerk. my dad's a jerk. and that's ok. we can be jerks together. and it really, really doesn't matter. because the bottom line is that i love my dad, so, so much. for many reasons. he works so hard to make enough money to send me to Salve (which really isn't cheap) and to buy me a car, and to randomly send me money when i want it, and to have kept a roof over my head for almost 19 (in 29 days) years. not everyone gets to go to Disney World all of the time, not everyone gets to go out to dinner all of the time, not everyone gets to call up their dads and say, "can u get me concert tickets from mr. so and so who you know at MSG," not everyone gets to go to a school where the teachers become Your Heroes. i'm not bragging, i swear. i just know that i'm very, very lucky. and it's all because of my dad. my life is not perfect. but i really am glad with the life i have and the friends that i have and with the numerous other people who have entered my life. i'm the one who makes my life difficult. the only problem is that i don't know how to fix it. i don't feel like i'm worth all this. the only way that i do is if i push myself into overdrive. apparently, that's immature. i thought being immature was going out drinking and partying when you should be studying. i never thought of studying too much as being immature. i always thought i was being responsible and beyond mature this way. i hate when you think you're doing everything right and all of a sudden, you come to believe that you've been doing everything wrong, for Your Entire Existance. however, i must say that i have amazing friends. i almost came apart again when i kept getting answers wrong (perhaps a function of a sum total of 18 hours of sleep for the week?) when Dani was quizzing me. Dani pretty much said, "out with it." then she and Ann told me that i'm doing too much. Dani pushed me to finish what i was studying. and i got through it, with her constantly reminding me that i was ready to take the bio test, and Ann making funny faces at me to remember certain sections of the test. Ann also mentioned that she never sees me, because we both do too much stuff. i love my friends. i honestly don't know what i'd do without Dani and Ann here.

once the bio test was over, and Senora Borrero forgave me for not having time to do my spanish homework, i was much happier. i also needed to solve another issue (which i've pretty much solved) and then something else really fantastic happened, with That Person Who I Want To Tell How I Feel About Him. no, i didnt tell him, but i think we're getting closer. and the fantastic cast of Maccers got a STANDING OVATION!! i also remembered all of Mrs. Hawkridge's notes from Wednesday...and i asked her about it later and she said it was perfect (!) this was, of course, after i buried the hatchet with my dad, who is actually feeling badly about the whole thing. i think i'm actually getting to accept that he does, in fact, love me.

today has been good. i got up a 7am (after a whopping 5 hours of sleep--i talked on AIM with Gauri until 1am....) and registered for my spring classes...I GOT INTO ALL OF MY CLASSES!!!! i think i am one of the only Salve students who was that fortunate. i went to coffee with Claire and then had an interesting portal class, went down to Carey Mansion to sign up to practice my song for the vocal recital with the piano player, ate lunch with Ann and Steph and Andrea (i have a class with Steph. yay!), went to the registrar's to sign up for mads and chorus for 0 credits so i'm only at 17 (fake credit overload, as i affectionately call it...) and then went to CVS and Stop & Shop with Kerri, where i realized the true difference between us...Kerri's arms were filled with frozen dinners, and mine were filled with...well, sugar. it was actually pretty funny.

now i'm so ridiculously excited.....because.....BEVIN WILL BE HERE IN 7.5 HOURS!!!!!! omg. we haven't seen each other in SIX WEEKS which is the longest we've ever gone. as Dani would say, SQUEE!

my OFFICIAL list of classes for next semester:

ENG 150/ What it Means to be Human- Dr. David (never heard of her...)
GST 112/ NSS- Ducha
MSC 221/Bach to Rock: Music 1750 to present- Dr. Day (supposed to be good! and this is the class i have with Steph.)
Individual Voice
Chorus
Mads
PSY 100/Intro to Psych- Dr. Martasian (yes, i made it into her class. i can't wait to have her.)
SPA 112/ Elementary Spanish II- Sra. Borrero
THE 102/ Intro to Acting and Improv- HAWKRIDGE!!!!

i kinda like the way next semester looks. :-)

i'll be home for christmas

you can plan on me. <3

let's just say that it's only sunday and i've had it. i have a mental block on this dumb history presentation. i don't know what to do with it anymore mainly because i didnt understand it in the first place but i had no clue that i didnt understand it. i'm just...so tired. i'm not exceedingly distracted, but distracted enough that i just don't want to do this. and i sent Mrs. Murphy an email, hoping that she could help me, but she hasn't answered and it's annoying me. i'm still glad that i didnt sign up to do this on wednesday. i would have had to finish this AND to write my portal paper for wednesday. i'm hoping that the portal paper will be easier than this. i couldn't get a lot of work done during rehearsal just because of all of the commotion that goes with the first dress rehearsal. and i almost freaked out because everyone was doing their makeup like old pros, and i felt dumb and clueless. i hate feeling dumb and clueless separately, and when you put them together, you have....a disgrunteled freshman who has NO idea what's going on. and as much as i love it here, I WANT TO GO HOME! and not in nine days, but NOW! i haven't been home in about five weeks. it's not as though i haven't seen my parents, but when i see them its for two days and then they have to rush out of here. and they're the ONLY people from home i've seen. i haven't seen Bevin, Gauri, Arielle, Allie, Alex, Jaclyn, Marissa, and my grandmother...for five or more weeks. i missed Uncle Joe's 40th birthday celebration, which is something i've been looking forward to for a long time, and i haven't seen any of my cousins from my dad's side since the SUMMER. and Bevin and i haven't gone more than 2 weeks without seeing each other since we've known each other...i can't explain how happy i am that SHE'S COMING NEXT WEEKEND!!

the play has been a positive experience, no doubt, and i'll just be able to put another notch in my metaphorical belt that is my resume. i just can't believe the amount of work that i have to do this week, of all weeks. i've never had a test the day after opening night before. i also miss the JCC terribly, and now i realize how much easier HS and JCC theatre was compared to this. there's so much more detail that goes into this...and our costume lady is nice but completely nuts. i have no idea how Mrs. Hawkridge doesn't completely lose it with her when she butts in about details both that have to do with costumes (understandable...)and with details that have NOTHING to do with costumes (not understandable!!) but Mrs. Kadic made us the most amazing lunch before the run through and the madness that goes with a run through in costumes and makeup and "OMFG WHERE ARE MY SHOES AND TIE AND COAT AND BRA AND MAKEUP AND #(*#&@*&@*!!!!!!!" and we didn't even warm up. all i can say is..wow.

funny story from yesterday-- Dani and i got lost coming back from Providence. we somehow ended up in Connecticut. and we had to call my dad to get us out of there. the end.

i need to get back to work. i'm all out of ambition, but usually that doesn't stop me. i don't want to break but i feel it coming, and we haven't even started shows yet. rehearsals are usually more stressful than the actual show for me, but i just...don't...want...to....do...it. i need to keep thinking of Christmas. then i'm bound not to break...no pun intended, i promise. thank goodness i'm still cracking jokes.

easy mac alfredo is a disgrace.

it should be renamed easy mac alfredo SOUP.

that's a weird title for a post, but i'm sitting here, really hungry after a five hour rehearsal during which i pretty much did homework, with the stuff on my lap and i was expecting fettuccini alfredo. but no, i get a soupy imitation mixed with some counterfeit noodles. i'm not saying that i wouldn't eat it again. it's just not...fettuccini alfredo.

i'll get on task, i promise. i think tuesday was my last update, so i'll start with wednesday. wednesday was the beginning that all actors say they loathe but secretly love. it began a week of no sleep and doing hw at the absolute last minute while going to class with bags under our eyes. wednesday marked one week to Macbeth....HELL WEEK. it began jazzmans with Claire of course, then combined portal class (always more fun with Erinne ;-) ) then history and i honestly dont remember wednesday's lunch. went to a boring lecture on how to register for classes. then i procrastinated with Kaoru and Asako-- side note! i LOVE Asako. she's really funny and apparently thinks i'm glamorous (?) k side note over.-- went to Campus Minsistry BBQ, attempted studying for spanish (the test that she told us about on TUESDAY that we were going to have on THURSDAY!!) had massive rehearsal. Mrs. Hawkridge gave me the same note on wednesday that she gave me tonight and i realized why i was doing it. apparently i'm talking too slow and i don't have enough urgency in my voice when Lady Macbeth has gone off a rail. i'm afraid to have urgency b/c when i've had it in the past, i've made the so-called "screech" and i seriously don't want that to happen again. i don't want my parents telling me after the show that i was out of character (even though they've never acted...yes, Dani, i'm OCD. yes, i do care what they say). came back around 11 to do spanish. blehh =\ and i did something momentous. i didn't study for Mrs. Mediros' daily bio quiz. i did the worksheet, so i knew that i would be okay for the open notes part...but i actually barely opened a book for the other part. it was only 11 by the time i was back in my dorm, but i was just...so tired.

thursday-- no rehearsal amazingly. calculus ;-x then lunch with some bests. Dani and i watched her brother on YouTube right smack in the middle of the caf. no joke. and she was proud of me for not studying for bio. then i went to study some more spanish and then we had the test...which i think was okay. Sra. Borrero loves me (though she loves Lily more...) so i think she'll take that into consideration. then bio and right in the middle of bio, i remembered that the director's showcase auditions were that day. i had showed up to the audition on wednesday, thinking that was when it was. lo and behold, the auditions were from 2:30 to 4:30 on THURSDAY and my voice lesson was from 4 to 5ish. Nicole told me to stop flipping out and i should have, because when i showed up at 5:00 after voice, they let me audition. i'm not sure if i got cast, but Mary Beth and i had fun doing a scene. then mads/chorus and i walked back with Ann to her house, then dinner at sky ranch with Danny and i rejoiced when the CHRISTMAS commericals were being shown and b/c i had NO SCHOOLWORK to do!! so i came back and watched the sisterhood of the traveling pants with Claire and Karou (who never saw it before!!) of course, i started crying at the end, when the girls said that they knew how matter how far they went on their own separate paths, they would always find their way back to each other. i started crying hysterically, i'll be honest. Karou was worried that i wasn't ok..but i was. i just realized how much i missed my friends from home, the friends who know me best, the friends who i'll love forever.

friday-- Claire and i went to jazzmans early, so she could get online to get tickets for the Avril Lavigne concert. Claire and Avril= me and Hugh Laurie, maybe moreso, more like me and Rosie O'Donnell when i was like 9. and she almost didn't have the tickets!! then we had a plenary for portal which i tried not to cry during. (side note--the voice that was narrating was Brad Pitt's. love how i know that.) i had lunch with Ann and Steph and Andrea then i had a meeting with Ducha for my classes for next year. i started my history presentation and talked with Allie for a while--apparently we're having a Sexy Party in december. this should be good. i'm kinda excited and of course i'm nervous b/c supposedly Arielle bought me a really dirty sexy gift. don't get me wrong, dirty jokes crack me up. i just don't like dirty jokes that i can...wear. then i went bold and did something momentous...I DECLARED MY FIRST MINOR as THEATRE!!!! Mrs. Hawkridge was thrilled to sign that form. i'm declaring music as my second minor, but the jury is still out on a major...i ate sky ranch with Katya, then i went to the longest rehearsal ever. now i'm back and i found out that 1) i missed 101 Dalmations starring Mr. Hugh Laurie. 2) Dani is now kidnapping season 2 of House. 3) ARIELLE GOT FACEBOOK!! and of course 4) don't buy easy mac alfredo...well, don't buy it if you're expecting the real stuff.

here's an idea of my schedule for next semester:

ENG 150- what it means to be human (Prof ?)
GST 112- NSS (Ducha)
THE 102- Intro to Acting (HAWKRIDGE!!!!)
PSY 100- Intro to Psych (Martasian--i hear she's fantastic)
MSC 150- Individual Voice with Dr. Pomfret
SPA 112- Elementary Spanish II (Borrero)
MSC 300 (hopefully)- Music Theory III (Davis)
Mads and Chorus (Don)
NO MATH AND NO SCIENCE!! yeaaaaaaaaaaa

now i'm going to bed. yay. good night <3

you can do what you want, just seize the day

what ur doin tomorrow's gonna go ur way.

i want to tell a certain person how i feel about him. Dani thinks i'm obsessed, Ann thinks he feels the same way, and others have said that i need to pursue this. i've always been outspoken, and i've always been good at expressing in other ways how i feel about a particular guy. i never have, however, been good at actually saying the words, "i like you...or as they would say at the local junior high, i like-like you." my new theory is that you know you like someone when you promise yourself that you're not going to make that daily pilgrimage to see them and lo and behold, you kinda mosy over in that direction on automatic pilot. i want to tell him how i feel. i'm trying to figure him out. and if he does feel the way that i do, he's prob also afraid to say it out loud.

i'm already listening to that Mariah Carey Christmas song, "All I Want for Christmas is You." This year, it's actually true. i wonder if he would think i'm a freak if he knew that.

usually, i don't like mondays, and i want to shoot the whole day down

-but today, i didn't!!-

the weekend. (can i think back that far??) on saturday, Hurricane Noel came to Newport, so there wasn't much that i could do with my parents. i learned later that poor Claire couldn't even go to Salem with her friend from hs...but at least they got to see each other in Boston. my mom and i went to my new favorite store...Christmas Tree Shops!! the discounts were unbelievably amazing and i actually started Christmas shopping. i mostly bought tissue paper and bags, b/c i won't be able to use Mom's stuff when i'm wrapping presents for my Salve friends. so now i have home gift wrap and college gift wrap. lovely. then we went back to the hotel, and my mom and i literally crawled back into bed, just like when i was a kid. it felt so, so good and i wondered how i can ever be too old to crawl back into bed with my mommy and just lay there. i never get to do that anymore. i'm always running everywhere and i'm always thinking about schoolwork/maccers/chorus/campus min/need to lose weight/my friends that i just never, ever get to just relax. and most def not with my mom, considering i didn't see her for two weeks. you do come to appreciate your parents even more when you go to college, and they learn to appreciate you more. i've realized what a bitch i've been to my mom throughout my hormonal years...and i still am sometimes. i'm always running her around to do favors for me or when we plan to do something the two of us, one of my friends usually manages to work themselves in...or i manage to work them in. my mom, being the saint that she is, will always say that it's ok if someone joins us, but i know that she's just being nice. on saturday there were no interruptions, even if it was just for an hour or so. i think she really appreciated it, and i realized how much i missed her.

wow...long tangent, but that's what a blog is for, right?? around 230 we went out to brave Noel (my dad included), went to marshalls to buy me some much needed intimate apparel, and they got me starbucks. then i came back to good ol' Miley to get ready for...my first college choral concert! poor Kerri had yet to pick up her concert dress from Carey Mansion (which is a 15 min walk from Miley, on a sunny day) and had, unknown to me, twisted her ankle on Friday at her bf's house. so she had to get a security guard to open Carey up for her, walk the 15 mins in the rain with her ankle, and walk the 15 minutes back to Miley. by the time the poor girl got to my room to get ready, i was amazed that she was already wearing her dress. we actually had fun getting ready, because we are just that cool. Karou's friend, Asako, was also here, and i was making everyone laugh...i won't go into details, it's kinda X-Rated. we then braved Noel yet again when Kerri and I had to walk to Ochre Court in our dresses and pray the we didn't ruin our freshly straightened hair. the concert, once we warmed up and putting the great duct tape saga aside, was amazing. Kerri, Tim, Cezanne, Steph, Ann, and I had a lot of fun backstage, and aside from getting a little lost in Exaultate Deo, we sang well. my parents were really impressed, Kerri FINALLY met my father, and Noel FINALLY let up by the time my parents and i headed for Brick Alley for dinner. :-)

Sunday- i went to Mass at 1130 because my parents weren't going to be there for the later Mass and we wanted to go the three of us, just like it used to be. we went to brunch at Annie's and we continued to be all cliched and say how much we loved each other. then they came back up to my room with me and helped me clean up. amazingly, i didn't cry when they left. i made myself stop. i went down to Miley Mart and kept Ann company while she was working. we tried to do hw...lost cause at some point, then Emilie showed up and Ann read Patricia Polacco books that she was using for one of her cool elementary ed reports. then i had rehearsal for Maccers and cried a bit after my scene because the whole premise freaked me out. as the doctor, i had to keep the tears down b/c the doctor wouldn't cry in a spot like the one that Lady Macbeth was in at the moment. my mom said that makes me a first class actor. i so wish that was the truth. then i came back, did hw, and had great convos with Gauri and Bevin :-)

Monday- went to jazzman's with Claire per usual. portal. history (and i got an A- on the DBQ that i did in 1 night and taped House for!) and then i realized that i lost one earring. i told Mrs. Murphy to keep her eyes out for it, and then i retraced my steps all the way back to O'Hare. i finally found it when one professor who i have no idea who he is or what he teaches, picked up something on the path that led to O'Hare and McAuley...i immediately stopped him and said THAT'S MINE!! unfortunately the really cool piece of shell that the gold part of the earring rests on was gone, but i can prob take that part off the mate and then i can wear them again. then i had lunch, did laundry, talked to my mom for over an hour, then did some hw and then Dani and i went to sky ranch for dinner. we really opened up about our respective past lives, and of course we managed to laugh when we came back to my room to watch last week's House and we brought Shane a mallomar. i think i cheered her up too. (i heart Dani, in case anyone doesn't know.) then Erinne and Nicole came over and we did the bio take home quiz, then i talked to Bevin and Sam, practiced singing, and voila. and somehow i managed to buy the SNL episode on iTunes that was hosted by none other than Mr. Hugh Laurie :-) and I'm going to bed before one!!!! WOW.

a small snippet from a Gracie/Gauri moment:
coolsmartmaya (12:25:28 AM): yeah we would have had this moment where we would have looked at each other and then there would be like loud snicker and we'd burst out laughing and i'd start coughing and people would look at us and we'd be like "but...you....don't....ahahahahaaaaaa" and not finished our sentences because we'd be coughing so hard
coolsmartmaya (12:25:39 AM): and laughing so hard
coolsmartmaya (12:25:55 AM): and then when we'd stop and explain it, nobody would laugh.
coolsmartmaya (12:26:21 AM): And that Ladies and Gentlemen, is a typical Gracie-Gauri inside joke/memory.

and a small snippet from a Gracie/Bevin convo:
"I love our conversations because you and I can have conversations where one minute we're crying and the next minute we're bursting out in laughter."

did i mention how much i miss my friends and how much i love them??

in a good mood.

hmm...where did i leave off? halloween, i think, and missing my friends.

yesterday was All Saint's Day, and Father Tom gave a sermon at Mass that I truly got a lot out of. i was happy, becasue Father Tom is a great guy, but he is sometimes hard to follow. yesterday, however, i had no trouble at all. he talked about the Saints, and how they were truly ordinary people who had no idea how many lives they had touched. he then added how there must be people in our own lives who truly touched our lives in that way. i thought about it, and i realized how many of my heroes were from Portledge. as much as high school was crappy, i had some of the greatest teachers in the world. Mr. Mac, Mr. Hoyler, Mrs. Johnson, Mrs. Schuessler, Mrs. Rigg, Ms. Nugent, Ms. Atkins, Ms. Oehrlein, and--nobody laugh but Mr. Peek-- will always be my heroes. they touched my life in a way that is truly irreplacable. Dr. Lawber, Mrs. Hawkridge, and Mrs. Murphy are awesome, but i just don't have the same relationship with them--yet. who's to say that they won't be up there in time, but those people from Portledge will always be my heroes. something really awesome happened yesterday that i won't go into details of...and i got a 93 on my bio midterm =)

today i had coffee with Claire and then portal--then i had lunch with some of the bests, spent an hour in the box office in Megley theatre with Allison, and finally made my way to the *bleep bleep bleeping* ATM in town because the *bleep bleep bleeping* ATM in Miley hasn't worked in forever. then i went to Ann's house on campus and we "hemmed" our extremely long concert dresses with duct tape. then Ann, Steph, and I watched part of The Holiday which i kinda want to finish now. showered, dressed, met Steph and Allison at sky ranch and went to rehearsal. Allison is having major roomate issues and i feel really, really bad for her. rehearsal was good. i actually have confidence in Maccers--i've never had confidence in a show with two weeks to opening night before!! then my parents came!

i had a heartfelt reunion with my parents, and my dad uttered the words i've waited years for, that he didn't realize how much i meant to him until i wasn't living at home every day. as much as i miss them, i miss Fagin, i miss my bed, i miss NYC, i miss my grandma, and i miss my friends beyond belief, i honestly think and believe that this is the way that it should be right now. my dad has never appreciated me in this way, or at least he never realized how much he appreciated me. i wish that i could put my friends from home in a gigantic box and bring them to Salve, the way i brought my clothes and my shoes. i feel like it's almost a double edged sword--if i'm here, i miss my friends at home, who have been there forever, and if i go home, i'll miss my friends at Salve, who i've only known a few months but we've already had some amazing memories. i wish that i could be with everyone all together, in one place. but being away makes me even prouder to be a New Yorker who says "dawg" and "cawfee"--my friends from Salve tease me about that a lot. i really miss being 40 minutes or less from NYC. and, i appreciate my best friends even more. we have to make more of an effort to talk and the distance has forced me to be better about keeping in touch with people. there are now more people to balance, but that only means that i'll have more happy memories. i'm so glad to be happy. i'm staying with my parents in the hotel tonight, and all feels right with the world, finally. my dad said to me tonight, "so i guess college is pretty good now, huh?" it was a rhetorical question that i was happy to say "yes" to. Dani lectured me last night about how i need to relax...my parents, Bevin, Arielle, Gauri, Alex, and Dr. Lamonica have all told me that at separate times. i'll figure it all out.

i just need to learn a lesson from this quote from one of my fav movies, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for.