full speed ahead to december 14th.

CHRISTMAS is so soon! and i'm really excited about it but i kinda miss all of the christmasy things that i used to do at home in the end of november/beginning of december. i watched the rockefeller center tree lighting tonight....by myself. i wanted to be at home, on the couch, with Fagin on my lap and my parents mulling about...but no, i was here, in "smiley miley" as my dad affectionately calls this so-called building where we live in cubbyholes. my friends made me happy again on tuesday, and they made me happy again today. but i'm burnt out. my leg started shaking during the voice recital today because i was so nervous. i didn't miss any notes, but i wish that i did better. as i watched the tree lighting and i noticed Ashley Tisdale and how she was named one of the 25 hottest stars under 25, i began to wonder if my time is running out to break into (if i even want to) "the business." so many actors and singers who are famous are...well, under 25. in 18 days, i'm going to be 19 and that's still a few years away from 25, but it's not too far. then they showed Britney Spears hosting the tree lighting at 17 years old...which is almost two years younger than me. am i past my expiration date? it annoys me because some of these people have no real acting talent and are just pretty faces. they also have no classical singing training, just vocal coaches who don't teach them about true performance like Rose does or breath control and technique then applying artistry the way that Dr. Pomfret does. and i don't think that their vocal coaches just gave workshops in Singapore like Dr. Pomfret does. they are just coaching the "singers" into how to sing all the way to the bank. but because i didn't quit school at 13 and i'm not under 150 lbs and i'm not in it just to dance like a whore and make millions of dollars but rather for the thrill of being out there and singing (which, by the way, is less nervwracking in front of a large croud as opposed to a small, intimate croud where you can see EVERYONE'S faces...) i could be past my expiration date...Socrates would tell you that there is no justice in that. and as much as the concept of Hannah Montana is cool for that age group and i'll admit to watching a few episodes, a girl should not just get a free ride to overnight sensation at 14 just because Billy Ray Cyrus is her father...she does have a good voice, BUT SO DO MANY OTHER WORTHY PEOPLE, and they won't get an opportunity (certainly not at the ripe old age of 14) to be an overnight sensation because they "don't know anybody."

sorry for the rant. anyway, i'm also really worried about the goings on in the lives of my friends. i want to be there to help them because i love them but i'm not the world's most emotionally secure person and i'm worried that i won't be able to help them (and, for my friends at home, being 3 hours away certainly doesn't help matters). i confessed to Dani and Meghan about how much i need to be noticed. i was not judged. they are amazing. the end. Dani wants me to join the "DARK SIDE" *insert Darth Vader breathing here* and Claire was informing me on our morning coffee run that i'm nuts and narotic. none of this is anything that i don't know; i just don't know how to be any other way. now, i have a headache probably from my monthly and tiredness and caffine overload. i still have to finish my bio hw and look up review questions for calc so Dr. Zeuge continues to see initiative...wow, that sounds so warped, doesn't it? I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOLWORK! AHHHH! and i won't even have any over break because we start a WHOLE NEW SEMESTER! and i'm even going to get to see Ann and Dani and Meghan over break because they're coming to NYC! so i won't completely go through "Salve Friends Withdrawl." no siree.

but here's some not so great news....there are only 3 House episodes left......and there is no House until......JANUARY. can we PLEASE give the writers what they want just so i can get my husband back? kthanks.