big girls don't cry (??)

i'm well aware that i should be doing my spanish homework. and i did some of it. but i can't seem to concentrate on anything. i went from laughing about a very awkward situation and the HOUSE episode (which, for the record, was awesome) and i really have no reason to be sad. i had a truly fab weekend with my friends (Megan's bday cake at Laura's house & Gracie/Dani wal-mart trip on Friday, cool brunch & dedication with Rachel, wal-mart again with Claire, Megan's bday, and the black and white dance on saturday, and concert/my parents/Mass/out to dinner on sunday= reader's digest version of the weekend) and yet i do.

1) i'm homesick. there. i admitted it. at the beginning of the year, it didn't take much for me to admit that. now i've been here practically a whole year and i've changed a whole lot since then. all i've been saying is how much i don't want to go home and now i'm HOMESICK? wtf. it takes a lot for me to admit it now, even to myself. but indeed, i miss my parents despite seeing them yesterday, i miss Bevin and Gauri (who may i add i haven't seen since March) and Alex and Ari and Allie and Jaclyn and Marissa and Gina (must pick spa day!) and my other cousins and St. Mary's and Michelle and Sam and everyone at home in general, some of who i haven't seen since January. i miss my car and drive-through starbucks and ralphs and watching the Yankees on the YES network instead of watching the score on yankees.com. i miss Z100 and NYC and even portledge, particularly at this time of year when i know the cherry blossoms are out. and i miss my DOG insanely.

2) while i'm homesick, the weekend with my friends here made me realize how much i'm going to miss them. we will visit each other over the summer but i've been seeing most of these people every day. i've known them what, seven, eight, months and i have best friends that i never knew existed seven, eight months ago. a lot happened in a short amount of time. i'm really, really going to miss them. i wish i could have a moment where i didn't miss someone. i guess that's how life works when you go to college, and therefore for the rest of your life--you're always missing someone.

3) good segway into issue #3, taking up about 50% of my brain and all of my heart.
song lyrics are required here, and the poems in past entries will explain. i want to keep believing and hoping and wishing and praying and all of that stuff. i want that fairy tale ending but it doesn't seem likely. i mean, the semester ends in 10 days and we'll go our separate ways.

I'M JUST NOT READY TO DEAL WITH THAT YET.
i do denial really, really well.


i hope you know
i hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you.
it's personal
myself and i
we got some straightening out to do.
i'm not gonna miss you
like a child misses her blanket
cause i've gotta get a move on with my life.
it's time to be
a big girl now
and big girls don't cry.

haha. yea right. big girls cry all the way back to NY. someone explain where the "good" is in "good-bye."

YOUNG 305!

we got a really really huge triple for next year :-) and it's quieter than Miley, has its own bathroom, and i can look out my window into Dani's house. hahahaa.

yay excited!

another poem.

so the day shall be here soon

we'll part company and we'll say goodbye

pray to God it's not forever

my mom will say 'it's time to go, honey.'

and all i'll want to do

is to tell you how much

i love you

and shout it to the world for crying out loud.

then she'll load me into the car

pack my bags

and hand me the damn kleenex

as she puts the car in drive

signals left onto the last street out of town

and we drive away.

'LAST EXIT IN RI'
no
no
nooooooooooo

hopefully i'll fall asleep

before i can cry

all the way home.

poem because i'm moody.

she's so happy

excited
confused
and so
empty.

wanting to be here

and not wanting to leave

but at the same time

she dreams of her own comfy bed.

and her friends

but her friends are here too

and so is love.

she wants to capture

every last second

every last smile

every last photograph

every last chance

to say what's on her mind.

before he gets up

and leaves

forever.

sometimes it's so easy to forget

how good you have it.

the truth of the matter is that this world really isn't fair. you go through high school with everyone scaring you about college and getting into college and how hard that's gonna be with the phrases like "how do i market my child for college?" and "oooh gracie where did ya hear from? because I heard from such and such university" with the undertone of my colleges are so so so much better than your colleges and shit like that. then you actually get here, it's absolutely amazing minus the first two homesick weeks and the small ass dorm room and all the weight you gain and the showers with the flip flops. but i'm not even here for a whole year and they're hi-tailing us into a lecture hall to hear about...careers. yup. all i hear Shane talk about is job interviews this and application that...but he did GRADUATE college already and should be worrying about that. doesn't mean that hearing about it doesn't scare me like the presentation did. like my mom always says about fads and the way that young girls dress, it gets younger and younger. we're being pushed into the next stage of life already...can i please just get through this semester and then we'll talk? thanks.

but the truth of the matter is that while the world may not be fair, God is. Rachel told me today that i think like a 5-year old and i laughed and called an 'idealist.' i don't want to see people get hurt. i think things like 4/20 are stupid. i can't think about oral sex without getting grossed out. i like to sit in the front row of my classes and freak out about school and my GPA. i write pathetic love poems. i pray for everyone and everything. i don't like it when people get mad at me. i don't want to think about the next stage of my life. i'd kind of like to stay in college forever but at the same time i'd love to get into bed with my mommy like i did when i was little. but it is true that God is fair. God grants good friends to good people. He gives us things in life that we probably don't deserve but He loves us enough to give them to us anyway. i don't think that God planned for the world to turn out this way, but if you believe that God is there, then He really, really will take care of you. my friends are the proof that God is there because I see Him in them. i know that i don't see God in everyone and i get all judgemental and crap. i suppose we all have our flaws, but maybe i should trust a little more...

it's just so easy to forget how good life can be.

fall semester 2008

my schedule that shall begin my sophomore year at this wonderful place we call Salve. that i really don't want to leave for the summer.

intro Economics--DR. LAWBER!! oh yea, that's right. *victory dance*
Philosophy & Responsibility-- Dr. Hersh- i've waited forever to have this man as a professor!
Earth Science--Dr. Nugent, not any relation to Nuge haha. easiest science course i could come up with.
Theory II-- Mr. Davis
Social Work--Dr. Sylvia- Claire had her this semester and really liked her.

and of course, voice, mads, chorus.

and oh yeah, i'm DECLARING. life of musician poverty, here i come.

and...MY EARLIEST CLASS IS AT 10:00!! no more 8:30s for me.

now if only i could get course rosters........

now are you sure you want a piece of me??

i don't understand. i've had a great week. and i feel as emo as hell. maybe because i was interrupted and that's just not right. i tried with everything i could to laugh it off all day.

YOU'RE DEALING WITH THE WRONG CHICA BECAUSE I DON'T GO AWAY EASILY. i want to get what i came for and i'm not as naive as i look.

maybe my acting presentation today has something to do with this stupid mood also.

whatever. i got into VIA and i won a prize for my collage and my parents will be here on wednesday to go out for their anniversary with me.

and for some reason, i wish they were here right now. yet i don't really want to go home.

and for the record, CROCS ARE THE SHIT.

i'm a new soul, living in a strange world, trying to learn a thing or two about give and take...

i've been a lazy bum about updating this so here we are.

i think i could say that the past week at salve has been really, really great. i don't want to get into the intricate details of the retreat, but Rachel and i gave our talk and i made a lot of new friends. i always thought that i was really, really good at reading people and what they were like, just from first glance and that i have really good instincts about people. some of the people who i hang out with on the retreat completely defied everything that i thought about them at first, even if the first time that i saw them was not at the retreat. i'm not sure what to make of that because i don't trust others too easily and i trust my instincts a whole lot more. i think i'm gonna go with having a little trust this time and allow these people into my life--instead of pushing them away the way that i've been known to do sometimes. it scares me, because i'm usually right about people, but i'm going to give them a chance because they've shown themselves to be really great people.

aside from the retreat, which just put me in an overall good mood for the week, i was happy except for my staying up until 4am on thursday with ridiculous amounts of work and i had to see the stagefright show. then i went home with Rachel and surprised Ari when we came to her show :-) we saw her and Bevin and Allie on saturday and we really had a blast. Rachel practiced her NEW YAWK accent which was priceless and we went to the yankees game on friday...and sadly they lost. now i'm back here and ridiculously hungry!!

prayer intentions: ukwur. <3