a hundred miles seems pretty far...but they've got trains and planes and cars

...i'd walk to you if i had no other way...

today was halloween. i love halloween. i always did. i guess i always will. two of my favorite things are completely legal on halloween: dressing up and pretending to be someone else, and eating as much candy as humanly possible. this year, however, was different. i went trick-or-treating with Lily and we had a good time. we got a lot of candy and we laughed at ourselves when we were attempting to trick or treat for Unicef without a Unicef box...and when we were spraying Lily's hair with that glow in the dark hairspray, and when we accidentally went one house twice. we obviously had fun, but i became homesick for the first time in a while. i've been so happy here aside from the workload and my friends are amazing. so are my friends at home, who i've spent the majority of halloweens with in my lifetime. i missed my street, i missed the kids, i missed seeing Lexi and Nicole and Jillian in their costumes, i missed going to my grandma's and showing her my costume, i missed me and Gauri being so excited about going out trick or treating that we barely touched our hw, i missed Fagin going crazy with the doorbell constantly ringing, i missed Allie and Arielle (who i've spent most of my halloweens with), and over the weekend i was so sad that i had to miss Bevin's halloween party. i was, however, SO glad that Lily wanted to go trick or treating, because i never would have asked anyone to go! and, well, there's nothing like free candy. and it wasn't too hot or too cold out, so that was a plus. i do, however, think my mom missed me more than she let on.

i may get to bed by 12:30...i did most of my hw, i'm sitting here with my Cuddy makeup still caked on and my Cuddy hairdo still remains in tact. and tonight, Cuddy wore flats. no way i was walking around in heels. i'm so happy that i don't have a lot of work for a lil bit, and i'm excited for the concert this weekend and to see MY PARENTS!! however, i have no idea where K is, i still have to finish my calc hw, and i miss home terribly. i really hope that Bevin can come up with my parents. that would make my life. aside from being sort of homesick, all is pretty much right with the world. there is a big ass pile of candy on my bed...what could go wrong?

i watched this cool show called Phenomenon (sp?) which was escentially a reality show for Houdinis of the future. Criss Angel is one of the judges, which pretty much says something right there. Mike Super, the magician who came to Salve, was on it and actually performed one of the tricks he did here. i loved that i knew what was going to happen. the show was extremely appropriate for halloween. i really loved it. and i did get to watch House last night! i honestly thought it was the best show of this season. Foreman is back, essentially, and the wars are on between Foreman, House, and Cuddy.

i should probably sign off...maybe, just maybe, going to bed by 12:30 will happen. i'm so excited for this weekend.

[there's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout]

...cause ur just as far in as you'll ever be out.


i don't know why teachers/professors seem to take pleasure in loading their students down with work, but they certainly seem to. i don't feel homesick, but i felt derpessed because my Aunt Flo came on Saturday, and i threw a fit on Sunday over...spilling chocolate milk. lo-sar much?
i had my bio test today, i had a buttload of reading that i didn't understand, and i have a dbq due tomorrow. and i didnt know what was going on with other crap, so i completely lashed out at my mother and at K for no reason that was either of their faults. but once i settled down, i realized that after tuesday (whilst this meant not being able to watch House and taping it instead) i would have barely any work the rest of the week. i realized that tomorrow is Halloween, which i keep forgetting, and i'm actually going...trick-or-treating with Kim and Lily. i'm such a dork, but i'm so excited to go. so i calmed down and felt better. i need to do laundry desperately, but i'll figure it out. i was even able to go to sky ranch with Dani last night to take a study break. we has a laugh with Shane and Shirley and then we talked FOREVER and then i had to go study bio.

today started out great because i got a 100 on my calc test. no joke, 100. i was so effing happy. then lunch was fun per usual. then spanish was hilarious, and the bio test was truly not that hard. now i have mads and fun night at campus min and then i have to do the dbq. dinner will prob be sky ranch again...but the fact that my parents are coming friday also helps. i just have to get through tonight. that's all. and then i'll ultimately be home free.

weekends at salve are fantastic.

so i've semi-recovered from my spanish test meltdown.

i'm having a hard time typing b/c Claire and i bought fake nails today. and it was fun. i bought black ones with pink skulls all over them and they are so emo and me at the same time. i went to wal-mart yesterday and today. i'm really sick of public transportation and of that shopping center where wal-mart and tj maxx and old navy all are. i made K and Kerri go yesterday and attempt to find halloween costumes but wal-mart had nothing, so we tried stop & shop (?? why ??) and only found little kid costumes and stuffed animals that Kerri liked to talk to. we then went to this awesome vintage store where K found a shirt to wear and i found this denim jacket that i was in love with. i didnt buy it b/c i was worried that i'd outgrow the embroidered poodles that were all over it. we grabbed a quick bite at panera and then we came back and i took a nap because a day of running to catch the bus and trolley was semi exhausting. then Ann came over to our wee little dorm and we got ready for the halloween dance! and then we had an adventure on the way there with K and Megan...but it was fun.

i'm not going to go into every detail of the halloween dance except that it will go down as one of the greatest nights of my college career. and i have a whole new appreciation for that really dumb "crank dat solja boy" song. on the serious side, i realized how lucky i was to find people like the friends i have here. i was so scared that i wouldn't find friends and it just took me a lil longer to find them. not every day is amazing, but the weekends have been. i get so stressed out and feel so miserable during the week because schoolwork tends to depress me because i'm just so freakin intense. but i intensely danced last night, and i intensely dressed as Cuddy, and it was amazing. and i intensely sweated and hopefully i started to shed the pounds that i put on since i've arrived at college. i did feel bad b/c Ann and Megan and i walked back in the rain, and then Ann needed to change and go back to her apt, so i called the shuttle for her but we forgot that it stopped at 1am...whoops.

i slept until forever saturday morning. then i watched House, of course. and then Claire and Chelsea and i went to panera and back to...wal-mart! we wheeled our cart (loaded up with CRAP) into old navy, b/c we didnt want to carry it all before we got back on the bus. and then the 62 bus was out of order which was a pain, but we took the 63 and it turned out ok. i didn't almost throw up like yesterday when we had a really bad driver. we came back and i actually got up my courage to watch a scary movie with Claire and Megan after we put our fake nails on. now i'm not really wanting to go to bed, i'm talking to Sam!! and she's feeling better.

I SERIOUSLY DON'T WANT THIS WEEKEND TO BE OVER!!!!

highs and lows

i really wish i could think positively.

class averages to my estimation thus far:
portal: A.
history: between A- and A.
spanish: hopefully A-, if she counts participation as much as she says she does...
bio: A.
voice: B+?? should be better since its music...
calculus: B-. after today, we shall see. let's say calculus was that guy who shot House during the Season 2 Finale.... that's how much i hate it.
chorus and madrigals: what do we get graded on anyway??
NSS: see chorus and madrigals. but we did have a paper and i dont know what i got on it yet.

i'm honestly two people--rational gracie, who wants to go to bed earlier than 1:30 having not overstudied, who wants to start eating like a human being instead of a steam shovel, who wants a shower in the morning instead of at 1am, who speaks of the days of Mom instructing "you can't do every activity, something has to give," who responds to all of her emails from caring friends, who says that it's ok to get an 80 once and a while just as long as it's not due to poor effort, that it's okay not to be in the honors program, who wants to get laundry done and knows that it's not practical to do it less than once a week, who longs for a better, less rushed, more relaxed life, who is escentially the voice of reason. irrational gracie, on the other hand, can be a bitch when she doesn't get her way. an 80 is unacceptable. an hour of studying couldn't have been enough. she rarely wants to go sleep at night, she drinks 20 ounces of caffinated coffee a day, she pops dark chocolate for quick energy bursts, she frowns on socializing too much, she gets a high from going to rehearsal, studying for two tests, and doing bio homework--all in the same night. she doesn't respond to her emails because she can't hear the kind words that people are speaking about her. she proclaims to be an inviincible stoic but when her head hits the pillow at night, she realizes that she isn't as she emotionally cries as she looks up at the TV and listens to House tell Cuddy that she "can't think that everything is her fault unless she thinks that she is all powerful," and that she's "not happy unless everything is right, but too bad, nothing's ever right...the only thing is...you'lll never be happy." irrational gracie looks up and wants to come out of her hard-ass shell and give Cuddy a hug, because they are one and the same.

i'll stop being emo now, i promise. i am, however, pissed off about my spanish test. i thought it was easy. there was not a single A in the class. i was embarassed too, because i had an outburst in class once i received my grade of 80. this was followed by one last night, when i threw a book in rehearsal for cutting off Meg's (Lady Macbeth's) lines. i am such a perfectionist, idealist, yea you can come up with a few more choice words. but honestly, when five people out of 25 or say in a class fail the test, and there are no A's, maybe it could be because we never learned that "que" means "what" and not "who," or we didn't go over the exceptions to genders on articles. without that dumb test, i haven't got a grade below a 92 in spainsh. she does drop your lowest grade, but what if one day i get a 60 due to lack of sleep or just couldn't study after play practice? i know i'm flipping out. i just can't help myself.

on the bright side, the calc test was not that bad, and my voice lesson was cancelled today, so i went to my mailbox and saw that Dad sent me a letter, an old picture, and a very handsome piece of paper with Ulysses S. Grant stamped on it, along with the words "In God We Trust" so now...i'm officially UN-broke. lunch was supremely fun, and i can't wait for the halloween dance tomorrow, for which i'll be dressing up as...how ironic...Cuddy. and.....tomorrow's FRIDAY! yay, FRIDAY!!!!!

i really should do hw...then again, i'm not allowed to talk in portal anyway, remember? does it really matter? irrational gracie, that's your cue....

stress x core.

today was supposed to start off like any other day. i had plans to meet Claire at 9:45 and then we would walk to o'hare and have coffee at jazzmans. i rolled over at 9:26 to discover that my alarm had failed to go off. i couldn't even believe it. i had 20 minutes to get dressed and meet Claire...so much for the shower that i was supposed to take around 8:30. i found clothes and brushed my teeth without a sink, then knocked on Claire's door. after we had coffee it was time for portal where i almost sat in the back but Chelsea told me that the rest of the class would know that something was up. i've officially been suspended from speaking in portal unless i raise my hand. so i sat in the front and only spoke...well, twice. Dr. Lawber wasn't teaching today and Dr. Hersh didn't know that i've been suspended from talking. i was thereby in the clear. during the remainder of portal i was a little spacy and relieved myself from stress by reminding myself that i didn't have rehearsal tonight and could study for my calculus test without any worries.

on my way to history, i ran into Holly, who informed me that we had rehearsal tonight. there was a schedule change. i wanted to cry then, and then when i got to history i realized that i did the wrong reading. Mrs. Murphy called on me to answer a question that the rest of the class couldn't answer....and i couldn't answer it either...because i didnt do the reading, or the right reading. i straight up told her the truth. i hope she's not mad at/dissapointed in me. i've heard that i'm not supposed to do the work for everyone, but...then we broke up into groups to go over the stuff we were supposed to have prepared for the dbq...i'd done none of it so far. i've had a lot of work and had a lot of rehearsal and is there really anything so bad about wanting to have friends and have fun with them? i'd love to know what would happen if just one time i didnt do the reading or i was actually able to resist talking in portal. i'd love to know if it would be so bad to not show up to mads or leave for university chorus. most of all, i'd love to cut calculus. once. everyone else does. i've never been one to do something because everyone else does (except for those stupid birkenstocks that i wanted because everyone else wears them and i thought they were cool...) but the worst part would be that i couldnt live with myself. if i wasn't there, then when Dr. Zeuge asked if anyone had any questions at the beginning of class, the silence would probably warrant awkward turtle x15. i'm supposed to be able to handle this. i'm built to last. i can handle crap that comes up. i was the lead in the play and was in three clubs and played soccer and taught religion and sang in the church choir and was in band and chorus all in ONE school year. but i like being with my friends here and talking with friends from home until midnight. i wish i could do that more often, i wish i had more time. i just would feel like a lazy bum if i didn't overwhelm myself. Ann asked me a while ago if i liked to burn out...i don't like how it feels, but i'm afraid of living with myself if i don't push myself enough that i could potentially burn out. and i really want to go to the Darfur march on Saturday...but no, i may have rehearsal.

i spilled out all of my stresses of the day to Sara, my student mentor. i feel bad and i feel like i was wasting her time (though she assured me that i wasn't). i'm always feeling like i'm wasting everyone's time that's over the age of...well, adults or people in that mentor-like position. i just like to talk to people who understand that 16 total points constitutes a small quiz, not a TEST, at least not in my experience. every test that i've had so far in college has been at least 50 points, mostly 100. and partial credit should be awarded for showing your work. which reminds me that i need to study calculus so i get above a B and thereby can make Dean's List for the semester (at least a 3.6 and no grades below B). i'm a lunatic. i know.

feel better sam <3

So Samantha has meningitis. not the bacterial kind, though...not the kind that House and Cuddy thought that guy in the episode Airbourne (3X18) when they were on the plane and had nowhere to do an LP. (actually...Cuddy only thought so...) Frank called me today to inform me and i sent my mom to send some love her way. I WANT TO COME HOME AND SEE HER but there are three and a half stupid hours separating us and unfortunately i can't defy the laws of gravity and sprout wings and fly to NY in under an hour. Frank knew i would be thinking this and would be worrying, and thus he yelled at me. my friends know me way, way too well.

i have a Spanish test tomorrow and i appear to not be caring. i will when i'm done with this entry and i panic because i don't know the verbs and i'll practically go into cardiac arrest. i also want to get other work done so i can watch House tomorrow without having to worry about doing work after. Dani and Erinne are coming to watch with me so we'll be a lil bit crowded in mine and K's teeny tiny dorm room. i hope we involve some food...in other news, i got a 92 on my history midterm! my first college midterm! not like i didnt study like a lunatic, but i was still happy. i lost most of my points because i ran out of time on the essay. what a surprise. if it weren't for time constraints, i would have done so, so much better on the SAT. i do, however, really like college. i like living on my own to some degree. i like decorating my very own space for Halloween. my friends at home live all over the place, but here my friends are either neighbors or just a few blocks away. it's an awful lot of togetherness, but i like it. i always used to complain how long it took to get to Gauri's house. once we started driving, that problem was a lot easier handled and we didn't have to rely on our parental chauffers to drive us to one another's houses...we just were together every afternoon. :-) i miss those days. i miss Gauri.

i get the feeling that something is going to happen that will work in my favor, but i don't want to elaborate...if it happens, i will elaborate. i'm really happy about the thought of it.

i need to go study, so FEEL BETTER SAM and i love you & i'm thinking of you!!

new blog.

so Becka's new blog gave me the idea to start doing this again. i probably don't have time, so if there are only updates once a week or so don't shoot me. i'm calling it undefined because i'm trying to figure out myself. that definition changes daily, sometimes hourly, and when "Aunt Flo" coms to visit, perhaps minutely.

i'm trying not to call myself weak because i invited my parents to come up this weekend when they weren't scheduled to come up. i just wanted to see them. before college, i was only away from home for more than 4 days so two weeks is truly a stretch. i am, however, so glad that they came. it was just like how life used to be, before everything changed and i threw myself into the world where i live three and a half hours away and in which i actually take care of myself and start acting like an adult by doing arduous tasks i.e. laundry. my parents have informed me that i need to do other things here besides study. i should get out and walk, i should excercise, i should go to a football game. i used to be one for school spirit...not so much anymore. i used to like to paint my face in school colors and make up cheers for teams. after school spirit was not always encouraged at portledge, i kinda lost my spark for it. in seventh grade when i ran for student council president, i informed the entire middle school that school spirit needed more "oomph." Alex Schattner won't ever let me live it down, but that's ok. i deserve it. :-) i was voted most school spirit which didnt end up being true at all. i have faith in the music & theatre departments. that's where spirit comes it and is truly welcomed.

i'm so glad that though i've been lonely, i've made great friends at the same time. Karou is the best roomate in the world. i hear people talk about roomate issues and i never have to worry about anything. we decorated our room on Friday for Halloween. K never celebrated Halloween in Japan, so the idea of it is so new to her and she's so excited about it. Kerri is home this weekend and her bf went with her. i hope all of the introductions went over ok. Claire comes back at 5 today and i can't wait to see her and hear all about Grease. Dani and i talked about stuff on Friday and i'm so happy that she trusts me. Ann, Andrea, and Steph listened to me tell stupid hs stories at lunch on Friday for almost an hour. i'm amazed that they could listen to me for that long! and rehearsal has just been AWESOME and i love being in a cast in which the director doesn't have to yell at everyone to be quiet throughout rehearsal.

while i'm making great friends and i have awesome teachers (Dr. Lawber, who the rest of the class wants to "overthrow" but i really like and enjoy, Mrs. Murphy, who is like my fairy godmother with a history book, Mrs. Hawkridge who can be my new fav director, Dr. Pomfret, who is my voice teacher and really helped me through one of my infamous outbursts the other day, and Don, my choir director) i miss NY and Bevin and Gauri and Ari and Allie and certain parts of portledge (VGS who beat lwa AGAIN!! and Ms. Oehrlein and Mr. Hoyler and Mrs. Johnson and Ms. Atkins and no one laugh but Mr. Peek and running through the hallways with Haley and Anna and Marissa) and i miss just getting in Sparky and going to Ralph's and Starbucks and Million $ Deli whenever. I miss going to choir practice and socializing after Mass. i wish i was going to be home on Halloween. i miss going to my grandma's house and raiding her fridge and just sitting on her bed. i miss MY DOG. i wish i was there with Samantha who is in the hospital :-( and i could go visit her and bring her decent food. i've decided that i'm not going to live in New England forever...Erica was right, the lifestyle gets to be too laid back and NOT what i'm used to. after i graduate, i'm going home. and i don't want to leave there again.

time to get back to...you guessed it, studying. hopefully i'll post again sometime this week. and once again, CONGRATS VGS!!