stress x core.

today was supposed to start off like any other day. i had plans to meet Claire at 9:45 and then we would walk to o'hare and have coffee at jazzmans. i rolled over at 9:26 to discover that my alarm had failed to go off. i couldn't even believe it. i had 20 minutes to get dressed and meet Claire...so much for the shower that i was supposed to take around 8:30. i found clothes and brushed my teeth without a sink, then knocked on Claire's door. after we had coffee it was time for portal where i almost sat in the back but Chelsea told me that the rest of the class would know that something was up. i've officially been suspended from speaking in portal unless i raise my hand. so i sat in the front and only spoke...well, twice. Dr. Lawber wasn't teaching today and Dr. Hersh didn't know that i've been suspended from talking. i was thereby in the clear. during the remainder of portal i was a little spacy and relieved myself from stress by reminding myself that i didn't have rehearsal tonight and could study for my calculus test without any worries.

on my way to history, i ran into Holly, who informed me that we had rehearsal tonight. there was a schedule change. i wanted to cry then, and then when i got to history i realized that i did the wrong reading. Mrs. Murphy called on me to answer a question that the rest of the class couldn't answer....and i couldn't answer it either...because i didnt do the reading, or the right reading. i straight up told her the truth. i hope she's not mad at/dissapointed in me. i've heard that i'm not supposed to do the work for everyone, but...then we broke up into groups to go over the stuff we were supposed to have prepared for the dbq...i'd done none of it so far. i've had a lot of work and had a lot of rehearsal and is there really anything so bad about wanting to have friends and have fun with them? i'd love to know what would happen if just one time i didnt do the reading or i was actually able to resist talking in portal. i'd love to know if it would be so bad to not show up to mads or leave for university chorus. most of all, i'd love to cut calculus. once. everyone else does. i've never been one to do something because everyone else does (except for those stupid birkenstocks that i wanted because everyone else wears them and i thought they were cool...) but the worst part would be that i couldnt live with myself. if i wasn't there, then when Dr. Zeuge asked if anyone had any questions at the beginning of class, the silence would probably warrant awkward turtle x15. i'm supposed to be able to handle this. i'm built to last. i can handle crap that comes up. i was the lead in the play and was in three clubs and played soccer and taught religion and sang in the church choir and was in band and chorus all in ONE school year. but i like being with my friends here and talking with friends from home until midnight. i wish i could do that more often, i wish i had more time. i just would feel like a lazy bum if i didn't overwhelm myself. Ann asked me a while ago if i liked to burn out...i don't like how it feels, but i'm afraid of living with myself if i don't push myself enough that i could potentially burn out. and i really want to go to the Darfur march on Saturday...but no, i may have rehearsal.

i spilled out all of my stresses of the day to Sara, my student mentor. i feel bad and i feel like i was wasting her time (though she assured me that i wasn't). i'm always feeling like i'm wasting everyone's time that's over the age of...well, adults or people in that mentor-like position. i just like to talk to people who understand that 16 total points constitutes a small quiz, not a TEST, at least not in my experience. every test that i've had so far in college has been at least 50 points, mostly 100. and partial credit should be awarded for showing your work. which reminds me that i need to study calculus so i get above a B and thereby can make Dean's List for the semester (at least a 3.6 and no grades below B). i'm a lunatic. i know.