ooh, i'm CONFOOSED. haha

back to Salve tomorrow.

i don't know whether to be excited or sad. both, i guess. i've missed Salve all summer and now i get to be there...but i get to miss NY.

i've wanted to cry all day. and then i'll hear something that randomly reminds me of Salve and i'll get excited. and i'm going to miss Rachel.

and i'm nervous about...seeing 'you.' i've been doing that stupid thing that people do in the movies..rehearse what they are going to say in the mirror when they first see that person. hasn't exactly worked...i don't know what i'm going to say except....'hi.' wow, imaginative. it's been a really long time.

and i'm not looking forward to the irrational gracie voice in my head yelling at me to study more. contrary to popular belief, I DO NOT LIKE TO STUDY. i just like the results.

i'm all mixed up!!

wait, WHAT?

so i have officially wasted time this summer.

prepping to miss you.

and i thought i'd never see you again...but NO! i'm going to see you in a week and a half, like everyone else who i missed all summer.

i don't know whether to laugh, cry, jump for joy, slam a door, or just wonder how the hell i'm going to go about this.

my all time song list, in no particular order

Don't Stop Believing-Journey
Born to Run-The Boss
Livin' on a Prayer-Bon Jovi
Welcome to the Black Parade-MCR
So What-P!nk (new, I know, but it makes the list)
Baba O'Riley-The Who
NY State of Mind-Billy Joel
Vienna-Billy Joel
There Are Worse Things I Could Do-from Grease
Thunder Road-The Boss
Baby, It's Fact- hellogoodbye
Good Morning Baltimore- from Hairspray
South Side- Moby ft. Gwen Stefani
For Good- from Wicked (so cliche!)
and of course Ave Maria.


probably more to come. i think you can tell a lot about a person when you see their all time song list.

WHY??!!

WHY is this so difficult?
i had such a great night, a great day, and most stuff this week has been GREAT. and now i'm sad.

i think there is no one else in the history of the world who is as bad at good-byes as i am; especially good-byes to people who You've Really Given A Piece Of Yourself To and actually...TRUSTED. and who You've Never Met Anyone Like Before and Would Follow Around All Day Even Though You're A Leader and NEVER a Follower and Feel No Sexual Attraction To Whatsoever Seeing As You're Straight and She's a She. and who you kind of aspire to be in your next life but you only write that here....so...how do you say good-bye (even if it IS only temporary and you KNOW that they aren't GONE from your life...and has even requested an invitation to Your Future Wedding) to someone like that? ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT PERSON SIGNED YOUR PAYCHECK ALL SUMMER????

HOW???!!!!!

there enlies my frustration of the evening. i think i need to go watch House.

and we thought these days would last forever

what was this summer all about?

it was about learning to balance a new time-consuming job with a hectic social life.
it was about finally conquering the Northern State Parkway. all by myself.
it was about a project failing and learning to pick up the pieces and smile on.
it was about newfound struggles with my parents that we learned from and worked through.
it was about missing someone, a lot, but not letting it effect me.
it was about learning new things about myself.
it was about those crazy pictures that capture it all.
it was about reunions and hugs and brownie sundaes.
it was about meeting some really, really special people who i can awkwardly attach myself to, and further awkwardly attaching myself to special people who were already part of my life.
most of all, it was about being together, no matter what we were up to.


and....to lighten the mood....MY HOUSE SEASON 4 DVDS ARE HEEEEERE!!!!

'it's not goodbye, it's see you later'

i had to say good-bye to Margaret a half an hour ago.


i have to say good-bye to Christina in a little bit.


i have to say good-bye to Gauri TONIGHT.


i royally suck at good-byes.


:-(

doesn't everyone come and go?

if i was just going back to the fun part of Salve i'd be so, so excited right now.

but i'm not.

and i have to go back to missing people. but different people than the people from Salve that i've been missing all summer.

why can't i be one of those people who loves one place and hates the other? that would make leaving the place i hate and going back to the place i love so, so much easier.

i never made anything easy for myself.

i KNOW that EVERYONE GOES THROUGH THIS but i just feel things deeper than a lot of people do (and the people who love college and hate home or hate college and love home only go through it once...i get it when i leave college and leave home). i've been told that i 'take friendship very seriously.' let me rephrase that...i take ALL relationships very seriously.

i am SO, SO sick of random people Who Knew Me When I Was As Big As Their Leg asking me how college is and If I'm Excited To Go Back. now i'm going to have to answer how my summer was and talk about what i did. i think it's going to be that way for the next three years. after a while you sound like a broken record.

i need to make an album of pictures from this summer. there are so many.

and...i'm really, REALLY going to miss Margaret and Suzanne.

be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it.'

when i was in middle school all i ever wanted was to be THAT girl.

the one who everyone wanted to be like. instead i was the girl who wanted to be like them.

eventually i let that go and decided just to be me.

apparently a lot of people liked that idea because now i'm the person who everyone wants to be with.

don't get me wrong. it's a blast. usually.

a half of tank of gas lasts three days.

people call me not once, not twice, but three times in the same day to do something that night once i don't pick up the first time.

i see my parents a sum total of an hour a day.

i don't have time to breathe.

i'm so tired i could cry.

i clean out my text message inbox twice a day...and clear out my voicemail once a week.

and of course there's that pressure of being THAT person.

and sometimes it goes to your head and boosts your ego to a fault.

people keep things from you because they value your opinon so much that your dissapproval would kill them.

i always said that i would love to have all that power.

now i kind of wish i could go back to being a social outcast who spent friday nights with her parents or on the couch watching movies or babysitting, with no cell phone or facebook or even a car to get to all of these places. i didn't have time for myself before. i could never be famous. and i always thought i'd love to be...but if i'm overwhelmed now, imagine how i'd feel if i were famous.