idealism

that's the first picture that comes to my mind when i think of idealism. i know we've all seen it...but it still makes such an impression on me. that man changed his country just by standing. that was all he had to do. if we all thought that ideally, the world would be so much better.

people don't usually get that i'm an idealist until i say something that allows for them to have the 'a-ha!' moment. they usually tell me that i'm 'so cute' or they just yell, ohmygosh, you're an idealist! that's precious.

yes. there are still a few of us.

i have hope. i know there's a bad world out there. i'm not naive. but having hope will allow me to get through it. i have something to believe in. i have faith. i pray. i'm not realistic. i have it set up in my mind that i can push myself through anything...and when i realize that i'm actually not invincible, it takes me a while to deal with that realization. i like to think that i impress people, and in spite of them seeing multiple people in a day, i'll stand out. they'll remember me. i like to believe that i'm not just another face in the croud...but the truth is, my greatest fear could be being invisible...being a number...just another face in the croud. and my heart tells me i'll never be that...because i'm an idealist.

i don't give up on people easily. i've been let down and somehow i know there will be a need for them later on. i want them to be better people. i want to forgive. i don't trust easily because i'm afraid that once i do trust, i'll trust too much and put all of my faith in someone, and be let down. and then, i'll try and find them again.

i don't like leaving anyone out or hurting the feelings of anyone who i remotely care about. in my mind, we really will all keep in touch and be BFFS forever. no joke...this is how i've set this all up. i've named my children, designed bridesmaid dresses, picked out an ideal career, and perhaps fallen in love...all by age 20. because i have a plan. because i'm an idealist.

idealists have a sort of child-like enthusiasm for the way they go about things. no obstacle is too large. no time constraint matters. stupid rules are to be broken, unless someone gets hurt (or in my case, unless it effects my grade...then i actually think, go figure.). who needs sleep? THERE IS NO REALITY.

and at that moment when i touch someone's life or make my own better by being an idealist...it is all worth it.

how old am I, anyway...

so, after I just copped to how much I want my father to act as though I'm a child, let's see....How old do you act?


[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[x] You own a credit card
[] You know how to change the oil in a car
[x] You've done your own laundry
[x] You can vote in an election
[] You can cook for yourself
[x] You think politics are interesting

TOTAL SO FAR: 6

[] You show up for school late a lot
[x] You always carry a pen/pencil in your bag/purse/pocket
[x] You've never gotten a detention
[] You have forgotten your own birthday
[x] You like to take walks by yourself
[x] You know what credibility means, without looking it up
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a week

TOTAL SO FAR: 11


[x] You know how to do the dishes
[x]You can count to 10 in another language
[x] When you say you're going to do something you do it
[] You can mow the lawn
[x] You study even when you don't have to
[] You have hand washed a car before

TOTAL SO FAR: 15


[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up
[x] The people at Starbucks know your usual
[x] Your favorite kind of food is take out
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need
[x] You understand political jokes the first time they are said
[x] You can type pretty quick

TOTAL SO FAR: 21


[] Your only friends are from your place of employment
[] You have been to a Tupperware party
[] You have realized that practically no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job
[] You have more bills than you can pay
[x] You have been to the beach
[x]You use the internet every day
[]You have been outside of the united states 3 or more times
[]You make your bed in the morning

TOTAL: 23

***Repost this with the subject as: I'm (how old you are) but I act (what you got on the test)

well, that makes me only 3 years older than i actually am...

-crash-

-crash-
sometimes all you can do
lie down
let it flow
don't let go
but by all means
let it out.
just -crash-.
just seize up that moment
for what it is
and what it's worth
maybe you can't get it back
maybe you can
but take the time you need
to cry.
cry hard
cry soft
cry long
cry short
but just cry
and -crash-
by any means necessary.
you'll get out.
you know you will
find your way
pick yourself up
you let it flow
and now it's time to let go.

nothing is EVER, EVER as tragic as it seems.
your life could end tomorrow...don't ever waste it.

RIP Jordan Krown
Portledge loves you always <3

FML.

Today, I realized that I have no idea what that ONE thing is that makes me happy. I have no reason not to...I got a 3.82 last semester, I'm a member of a nationally accredited honor society, I'm on Student Government, I have great roomates, I sing well (or so I think), I'm a mentor, and I will never see a student loan for college. Yet already I've changed my major once, I have a minor, I'm almost falling asleep in one of my classes for my current major, and I'm thinking about either adding another major or changing yet again. And yet even if I find something that makes me happy, chances are I won't make a lot of money...which means I won't be happy...which means that my parents wasted a shitload of money on a college education. My father makes a lot of money, yet he sits behind an overcrowded desk and yells at incompetent people who owe him beyond belief, all day long. They tell you that college is that time where you will figure out what that one thing is...yet, you have to pick your major SOPHOMORE YEAR...it's not just Salve. They all lie. A year and a half is REALLY not enough time to pick a major and decide what it is you want to do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE...although, when it comes down to it, there's really only two choices: live in a box, or be my father. FML.

this needs to end.

at first, it was funny.
then, it was amusing.
then, it was confusing.
AND NOW IT'S PISSING ME OFF.

no, i'm not homesick. i'm not stressed out about schoolwork...i had my midterm for the day, thank you. it's not even my "love life."

i can't even put words to it...and i know it's stupid to get upset over. it's not gonna stop me.

SO WHAT? I'm still a rockstar ^_^
right?

my head is still on spring break.

yet, there are so many things that i can't WAIT for!!!!

it's kind of scary how familiar things become. i go home and it feels like i've never left. i come back to school and it feels like i've never left. i honestly don't know where i'm happier...but i suppose that's a good problem, right? but then why am i always so excited to go home but get sad when i have to leave?

well, a few things are obvious.

NY > RI...NY > just better than everyone.. period.
friends at home--> known some as long as 15 years...friends at school-->known for just over a year.
at home, i have a REAL BED. i can eat REAL PIZZA and REAL BAGELS. yes, i ate pizza not one, not two, not three, but FOUR times this past week. that is how disgustingly much i missed honest to goodness pizza.
i can drive my car anywhere before 7PM...no stupid parking regs. but they are a small price to pay as opposed to the trolley!
and the dead obvious one: my parents, my grandma, and my dog. after 18 years of seeing them every day/week, it's STILL weird to only see them for limited periods of time, every month or so. some people here go home practically every weekend. occassionally, i'm jealous. i wish i could do that...but that would NOT have worked freshman year.

but then we examine my life here, at Salve:

my friends here are AMAZING.
i get to see a certain member of the opposite sex on a regular basis.
sometimes, it's really great to show my parents how much i am capable of living on my own...though even after a year and a half, i still doubt my capabilities from time to time.
i really like going to Jamie every week...i was at a point where i thought going to therapy once every few weeks was good enough, but if i can go every week, it sure helps things a lot.
i'm actually used to the Army Cot that Res Life calls a bed. i wouldn't choose to sleep on it, but most nights by the time i get there, i could crash on the floor.
i get to really, really connect to some awesome religious life.
most of my life, my friends never lived close by. one of the awesome things about college is that you can just drop in or hang out whenever you want.
i think i've only had one or two professors that i couldn't stomach...in four semesters, that's pretty good.

but people look at their lives at any point in time and clearly know Where Their Life Is. and guess what...i don't know where my life is. can someone's life be in two different places? before coming to Salve i only had one place to have a life. and i haven't left that life behind. i used to call it my "old life" but it's not old...i wouldn't even call it secondary. it's my Home Life. and here, i have my College Life.

i feel like i spend so much time deliberating over this particular topic.

survey time

Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
hm. not those exact words but close enough

Who are your last 5 texts from?
Bevin, Connie, Michelle, Gauri, Alli

Who was the last person to call you?
Bevin

Do you miss anyone?
i guess so

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
oh yes

What are your plans for this weekend?
still trying to figure that out

Whats irritating you right now?
i have to go back to the grind on Sunday and it's Thursday

Are you listening to music right now?
yes

What was your childhood nickname?
i've been Gracie since i was 8

Is this year the best year of your life?
it has the potential

Do you have a best friend?
quite a few

What were you doing at 8 this morning?
sleeping!

Have you ever passed out?
nope

Do you fall for people easily?
not exactly sure how to answer that.

In the past week have you gotten sick?
nope

How many clothes do you have in your closet?
HAHA...you expect me to count?

Right now do you want to kiss someone?
sure

What’s your mood?
indifferent, actually

Where were you 1 hour ago?
just getting home

When’s the last time you cried?
tonight, for a short while

Did you enjoy your weekend?
yes

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
i'd like to think so, but in my experiences, honestly it hasn't happened yet. unless the guy was gay.

Where’d you get the shirt you’re wearing?
under the christmas tree

Who do you currently like?
i think you know

Do they like you?
not sure

Sunrise or Sunset?
sunset

What movie is in your DVD player?
at school, i think a House DVD

Are you cocky?
yes, actually...

Have you ever been to Mexico?
no

Do you make your bed daily?
nope

Your favorite movie?
Ocean's Eleven, or A Christmas Story

Your favorite tv show?
HOUSE <3

Is there a tv in your room?
at school, yes

How was your day?
meh

Your favorite season?
these days, summer

Something you’re looking forward to in the next month?
Washington DC with Alli my love

Last person you gave up on? When?
i tend to not give up on people, in case you hadn't noticed...but if i had to say i would say last summer.

Last shirt you wore?
sweatshirt and tank top

If your best friend made out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, what would you do?
i'd have to be in the situation to know

Who do you know that can make you feel better if you’re not feeling happy?
a few people

What are you doing besides this?
nothing

Are you logged into any instant messanger programs?
not anymore

Do you have any dishes in your room?
at school, yes

It’s 10am. What are you doing?
on the weekend or on break...sleeping. during the week...either at class or getting ready for class. or i'm at work.

IT'S OVER!

that's right, folks...February is OVER! not gonna come for another year. but the stress hasn't stopped. i have not had this much schoolwork since high school and i'm trying not to freak out (even though i did on friday pretty much) and i keep complaining about it.

so far, for tomorrow, i have already done:

- a presentation on Trinity Church, and woke up early to go to Newport Historical Society to work on said presentation
- regular theory hw, not a big deal
- a take home 2 page essay also for my religion class


i still have to:

- read, which i probably am gonna skim again
- write an analysis paper
- read parables which are happening tomorrow.
and i have to wake up early tomorrow because we are interviewing a candidate for the new university priest/chaplain.

Shane told me to stop being a baby and do it. I told him that i wouldn't go to bed unless it was done and he well knew that. i won that spat, bwhahahaha.

on the bright side, my roomie made me hot chocolate ^_^ and i'm gonna hope for no classes tomorrow *fingers crossed*