big girls don't cry (??)

i'm well aware that i should be doing my spanish homework. and i did some of it. but i can't seem to concentrate on anything. i went from laughing about a very awkward situation and the HOUSE episode (which, for the record, was awesome) and i really have no reason to be sad. i had a truly fab weekend with my friends (Megan's bday cake at Laura's house & Gracie/Dani wal-mart trip on Friday, cool brunch & dedication with Rachel, wal-mart again with Claire, Megan's bday, and the black and white dance on saturday, and concert/my parents/Mass/out to dinner on sunday= reader's digest version of the weekend) and yet i do.

1) i'm homesick. there. i admitted it. at the beginning of the year, it didn't take much for me to admit that. now i've been here practically a whole year and i've changed a whole lot since then. all i've been saying is how much i don't want to go home and now i'm HOMESICK? wtf. it takes a lot for me to admit it now, even to myself. but indeed, i miss my parents despite seeing them yesterday, i miss Bevin and Gauri (who may i add i haven't seen since March) and Alex and Ari and Allie and Jaclyn and Marissa and Gina (must pick spa day!) and my other cousins and St. Mary's and Michelle and Sam and everyone at home in general, some of who i haven't seen since January. i miss my car and drive-through starbucks and ralphs and watching the Yankees on the YES network instead of watching the score on yankees.com. i miss Z100 and NYC and even portledge, particularly at this time of year when i know the cherry blossoms are out. and i miss my DOG insanely.

2) while i'm homesick, the weekend with my friends here made me realize how much i'm going to miss them. we will visit each other over the summer but i've been seeing most of these people every day. i've known them what, seven, eight, months and i have best friends that i never knew existed seven, eight months ago. a lot happened in a short amount of time. i'm really, really going to miss them. i wish i could have a moment where i didn't miss someone. i guess that's how life works when you go to college, and therefore for the rest of your life--you're always missing someone.

3) good segway into issue #3, taking up about 50% of my brain and all of my heart.
song lyrics are required here, and the poems in past entries will explain. i want to keep believing and hoping and wishing and praying and all of that stuff. i want that fairy tale ending but it doesn't seem likely. i mean, the semester ends in 10 days and we'll go our separate ways.

I'M JUST NOT READY TO DEAL WITH THAT YET.
i do denial really, really well.


i hope you know
i hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you.
it's personal
myself and i
we got some straightening out to do.
i'm not gonna miss you
like a child misses her blanket
cause i've gotta get a move on with my life.
it's time to be
a big girl now
and big girls don't cry.

haha. yea right. big girls cry all the way back to NY. someone explain where the "good" is in "good-bye."